I've been reading /r/redpill and /r/RedPillWomen for a good six months now, and I feel very confused with things.

I guess first you'd need to know that I've always considered myself a housewife type(20F). Though I've always been above average in intelligence and schooling, I've never felt the need or want to do anything with it. I've always just wanted to find a man to fall in love with and have children with. Last year I realized that in todays world, because of feminism it's just not gonna be that easy. I'm going to have to have a career, so I've enrolled in uni.

I'd like to let you know firstly that the alpha/beta/value thing has never been an issue with me. If I've "friendzoned" a guy, it doesnt mean that he lacks qualities I want, it means I dont find him physically appealing. Unfortunately for me, my number of guys I've slept with is at a very high number, 15. That's not because I'm a slut (though I'm sure some of you will disgaree), but because everytime I meet a guy who I have similiar interests with and find appealing, I start dreaming of a fairytale wedding and life with them. This has led to my number going up because the minute I start actually dating them, I want to please them in any way I can.

This has also led me to date some of the most random bunch of men. The guy I'm planning to spend the rest of my life with (18m, been together 6 months, and this time it feels so different) is in every way what you would call beta. He's submissive, gives me everything I want, drives me anywhere, buys me anything, tells me how much he adores me all the time. This doesnt make me respect or love him any less. I'd do anything for him. He's not the perfect bodyshape, he's got a little pudge on him but I think he's a massive teddy bear. I adore him. I hate that he lets me get my own way because I feel he deserves much better than me, I'm not sure what he sees in me at all. I'd honestly die for him. I'd do anything he'd ask. He is my entire world and I want to protect him and make him feel good. I don't care if he's rich or poor, or sick or healthy. I've chosen him and until he gets sick of me, I wont leave.

I'd like to bring up a couple of my different exes in order for you to maybe understand. My last ex, B, was a 24m and a millionaire. His father owned an extremely wealthy company and B and I were together for a whole year. At first when I met B, we had alot of the same interests. He treated me very special but as it went on, his family and I realized he was mentally ill and in the midst of psychotic break. He was having grandiose delusions. I looked after him the best I could, but eventually he got put into a hospital for a few weeks. When he got out, he was quiet, boring, sad and uninterested in me. He would come over and say 3 words to me. He wasnt even interested in sex. I did not cheat. I did not get angry. I had made my choice as far as I was concerned. However, when he did tire of me, he left the state to avoid breaking up with me, and just decided to never contact me again.

The ex before that was 22m named J. I've spoke about J before on TRP and was told he was the epitome of alpha and how I must miss a true alpha's cock. This is not the case. J is as beta as beta can be. He is scum of the earth. I met J online, and we started hanging out. He wasnt all that attractive but we had so much in common, I thought I'd give it a chance. He had had a difficult past. He was homeless, his mother and 8 siblings lived far away. He had talent playing the guitar and an open mind that ment we could discuss crazy government conspiracies and laugh together. After 2 months of dating, he was about to be kicked off the couch he was living on, so my parents invited him to live with us as long as he paid rent. Within a week he stomped on my foot during an argument and broke it. I thought it was an accident. I wasnt the kind to stick around for domestic abuse but I didnt realize that was what was happening. I loved him. I had chosen him to be my partner. The abuse only got worse over the year we were together. It went from kicking, to punching, to strangling, spitting in my face, knives etc. I wont give you details, it's not necessary and I'm not asking for you to feel sympathy for for. I just want you to realize that I chose him, despite him lacking money and any real value.

After I broke up with him, he came to my house and assaulted my mother, attempted to burn my house down and caused 20k damage to my house. We were very lucky that all he did. Restraining orders were put down and I had to move away for my safety.

I've been with many partners in my time (including a 3 year relationship and I'd like to add in that I have never, ever cheated on a partner), my need to please men had me giving up my virginity at 14 to my first boyfriend because of my fairytale mentality. As I try to strip myself from it more and more everyday, I hate the world I live in.

I dont care if my man is alpha or powerful, or rich or poor, as long as he loves me more than other women, the same way I love him. As long as he accepts me and respects me. Because if I could possibly find a man (maybe even the one I have now if he doesnt tire of me) who would love, respect, protect me then I would give him everything I am. I would cook, clean, raise our children, make him feel amazing, protected, loved. I'd do anything for him, no matter what happens. I'd jump in front of bullets for him the same way I would for any potential children we'd have with each other.

So tell me redpill, where is there a place for a person like me in the world? Someone stuck in the middle, not quite blue pill and yet not fitting the ideals of redpill? Shall I grow old, being forever dumped and eventually hit the wall and die an old cat lady?