Holy shit, that might very well be the crappiest title I've ever come up with.

AskTRP, I respect your time (and mine) enough not to waste it, so I'll get to the point.

I've been a massive blue pilled beta all my life. You know the stories, complete oneitis, LTR, at one point I was such a massive dumbass she could've killed my entire family and I would've said "we'll work on it". Of course, she quickly grew tired of me and dumped me after 5 years together. A bit after that and in the wake of the breakup I found TRP and swallowed the pill.

Swallowed being the key word. (Guess I'm sticking with this shitty metaphor).

It's there, in my stomach, and I have no desire to spit it back up. I also can't seem to digest it.

Here's what I've done since I swallowed the pill:

  • Lifting. Doing 5x5 Stronglifts and progressing regularly while keeping track of calories. Went from a skinny, completely flat dude to this: https://imgur.com/a/NI8WM . Still not where I want to be, but getting there.

  • Meditating: Do it every day when I wake up for 20 min using Headspace.

  • School: I never struggled with this in the first place, but I'm writing my masters thesis now and I applied and got accepted for a merit scholarship, basically meaning that when I'm done with the masters my PhD is paid for.

  • Social: Went out at night for the first time. Drank a beer for the first time. Went out alone for the first time. Made a couple of uni colleagues. Still don't have good male friends, but I'm putting myself out there more than I ever did.

  • General: 1 cold shower a week. Read the side bar. Writing this next to my physical copy of The Rational Male, which I've read twice. Dumped videogames. Learning a new language, practice 20 min a day, currently on a 47 day streak.

  • Mission: Work minimum 2 hours a day on my mission: decided what lifestyle I want for myself and what the best path would be to get there. Now executing.

So what's the problem?

What I haven't done: approach. At all. Tonight marks the 9th time I've gone out explicitly with the purpose of approaching, and here I am empty handed. I've read "How to get laid like a WARLORD". I understand frame. I know what I have to do. I understand that I'm being a fragile little bitch that's terrified of rejection and that that probably means I still haven't internalized the basic principle of "I am enough". In fact, when I go out, I constantly tell myself "you fucking idiot, you're hamstering". I know I am. Hell I know saying "I know I'm hamstering" is probably a way for my shitty brain to rationalize the fact that I'm hamstering as somehow ok because I know I'm doing it.

But the truth of the matter is that when I go out, the second I think of approaching is the second I freeze up entirely.

I can't move. I can't talk. Sometimes 45 min go by and I'm in the same place, with a fucking knot in my stomach like a beta bitch, incapable of fucking blurting out a "hey" to some HB4 because she's so fucking pedestalized in my mind that I can't possibly be enough, or because my fragile ass ego is too scared to take a hit, I don't know. It's precisely like with cold showers - I can see the brain functioning in the exact same way, trying to convince me that it's a bad idea, that I shouldnt' do it, that comfort is better. Tricking me into it. The difference is that with the cold shower I then just man the fuck up and step into the cold water. With approaching, I don't man the fuck up and then I just get angrier at myself because I know I should have. I KNOW with my fucking mind that rejection is better than regret. I KNOW. I've read it. I understand.

But not really. Because I can't get the actions to match the thinking.

If this was a guy saying "oh I know I should go to the gym I just can't bring myself to" or some variation of that I'd simply tell him to man the fuck up and do it. I entirely expect you guys here to tell me the exact same, and in all probability it's fair advice. The reason I'm posting this is for the off chance that any of you has any suggestions on how to beat the block. It feels like shit that I can handle literally everything else except getting my shitty fucking brain to not curl up into a ball and cry in terror at the thought of approaching. Jesus fucking christ I sound whiny, but the reality of it is that here I am, sitting at home, and I need to figure out some fucking way of having at least been rejected the next time I'm here. I'll keep going out and forcing myself to "just do it", but suggestions are very much welcome.

Cheers