Request for Help:

I would really appreciate help from this community, but please cater it to my specific problem? I know I have gone against a lot of TRP teachings here but I learned about it when I was already far in. Please don’t just say “ghost her and move on, fuck other bitches” – explain rather why this is the right way because it really doesn’t feel like it is. I struggle to do ONS because it makes me feel empty and like I miss the companionship of real intimacy. (Maybe the delusion is that real intimacy exists, last night’s ONS was kissing me and cuddling with more “love” than my LTR, lol)

History:

My LTR and I are/were and have been fighting a lot (bi-weekly). I suspect she's on the BPD spectrum given she cannot take responsibility for her part of fighting, and says I must just accept that it is who she is. Yet I am expected to fix everything about me. (maybe she's just being a woman and I'm not being a man about it, rather)

Anyway, she left to stay with her family 4 days ago. She said she wanted to stay away for 1-2 weeks and get away from the fighting. She's done the fake break ups many, many times before and they felt equally real as this one, but this time it feels a bit different. When she said this, I took it as a breakup so I went ahead and cut myself out of the lease and said that this equates to a breakup. She accepted without putting up a fight. I regretted and backpedaled and tried to convince her to stay for a couple of days. She wrote to me yesterday saying: "bitterconsultant, thank you very much for sending this - this is the future I would very much want for us and I hope we will be able to build it. But I want to start it from the very basics - I want to live separately and slowly build it up. And once we are ready, we will move in together because we want to and not because of the life circumstances. I really hope you will understand!"

I called her after that message and we chatted. She was saying she feels numb after she left and wants to be no contact to focus just on her family and working out, and not on the relationship because that’s been her focus over the past year and a half and she’s having a breakdown now from the stress of fighting. She says she wants a chance to miss me, which will likely happen she says as always. But she still wants me to move out, etc. and for us to have our own lives as well as our lives together. Then I asked about our holiday that we have planned and booked (road trip in New Zealand) and if it is still on and she said: “I would love that, assuming of course that we are good together!”. I’m going to Fiji for a solo surf trip for 7 days before that.

Last night I went out with a mate to a party his friends had and he had brought a girl he met on Tinder (but she had friendzoned him). She’s about a 7/10 but full of red flags so nothing more could ever happen - I gamed her and fucked her same night and asked her to leave this morning as I was going surfing but have the option to plate her.

My Question:

I am a bit torn – I can’t quite make out if the LTR actually wants space and is indeed wanting to give this relationship another shot or if I need to be spinning plates as a contingency plan and to create abundance before I see her next time? Like, what is cheating and what is not? What would your TRP’ers do in my case? Assume that I do want this relationship to work.

She will come back in some way either telling me she’s missed me, “of course didn’t want to break up” and that she wants us to be happy together, like she always does, or she will say “I think it’s best we move on” because in the time of not speaking she’s realized a life without me is actually better and more stress-free and happier for her.

A bit of background on us:

  • we met at our MBA and moved to a new country together, and moved in together out of convenience, not as a calculated decision to progress the relationship

  • I am 29, she's 33. She wants to have kids and marriage in the next year or two but says she's totally fine being single and going to the sperm bank. I’m sort of her best last chance for this I’d think, if not with me, it would take at least another 4 years to get to a point where a man is ready to have kids with her, best case scenario (6 months to find one, 1.5-2 years for him to propose, 6 months to a year for babies)

  • SMV-wise she's about 5/10 I'd say. Not very attractive body (good skin, but narrow hips, tiny ass, big muscly shoulders, ok tits but sagging a normal amount for the age), OK face though a little manly looking forehead and jaw. In the beginning of us getting together she was obsessed with me and I was telling her she gets plate status at best or she can leave. My dad got cancer and died after a 2 month period of me taking care of him, and I became needy for "motherly love" I guess which she gave me during that horrible time.

  • Not sure about my SMV but it's fairly high. Average height (5’10”), high-paying prestigious job (she has the same job though), good looking face, bench 130kg, strong and good physique but not too ripped, probably around 15%-20% bodyfat, surfer (everyday before work), highly educated, great cook, very interesting life having traveled a lot and lived/worked on 5 continents, have always been AMOG and funny. Have always been successful with women outside of relationships, just not when I get the feels because then I become a disaster and a absolute little pussy, definitely not alpha (become very insecure due to mommy issues - caught her cheating on my dad a bunch of times in our own home when I was a kid)