Not claiming actual PTSD, but bear with me on this one.

I have a very deep issue that I can't seem to get over. It's been 9 months since I've been introduced to the Redpill, and about 3 months since I've actually started to internalize it following a couple of soul-crushing oneitises. Highschool has been a shitfest so far as everything my mother and my former friends told me about girls has got me ass-all nowhere. Even now at a new school, I started out somewhat BP and got major crabs-in-bucket once the self-improvement started becoming more and more obvious, most people at my school dislike me or avoid me.

Sleeping is a terror for me. I always have dreams, no, NIGHTMARES of every single fuck-up I've done in school. The heartbreak, the shame, the humiliation, the lonely weekends while everybody was out and about, my own stupidity for buying into these lies, my lack of action to create a solid first impression. The last oneitis was the final nail in the coffin. I fucked it up really bad, and now I became a joke to her and everybody in my school. I literally don't get invited to parties because people think I'm a rapist in the making. That's how "nice" I used to be, and how much it shocked people when they heard I asked out girls.

All the mistakes. It feels terrible to live like this. Seeing her every day is a living, breathing reminder of how it went all wrong because of me. People are saying that HS is supposed to be the best years of your life. Everybody else is having a good time with their friends / intimate partners and laughing at me. Even the failures from 2-3 years ago still gnaw at me. No matter how much I try to bury them, how hard I lift or how much I meditate and improve I still feel the guilt, the hurt and the regret and the pain. I don't feel human anymore.

What do I do, to stop the hate, the hurt, the anger directed at myself, the hollow feeling that I am getting most of the time?