After being a BP cuck for most of my teenage years, I stumbled upon TRP and decided to make a change.

My world shattered when the blinders came off.

It is something that keeps on coming back to me. The anger, the shame, the guilt at all the opportunities that I let slip by. I feel a seething rage in me towards society for lying to me, Hollywood for putting all this romanticized shit in my head, my former oneitises for playing me like a fiddle, and myself for being dumb enough to buy into that shit and play along.

The white, lonely nights spent staring at the ceiling when everybody else was out on weekend parties. The complete lack of a true, human connection. Nobody has ever invited me to a gathering outside of school, and I've never had any true deep bonds other than the faux-socialization at highschool (e.g. "hey Dark how was your bio test". The lack of intimacy and the crippling ridicule / ostracization I got for trying to ascend the ladder and mould myself into the best version of myself. They knew who I was, I can't blame them.

I've come a very far way since... Just about every muscle is now starting to show. I've lost my titties. Given up PMO and gaming. Picked up rugby and have been meditating for a very long time. But I still feel very hurt deep on the inside, like I've lost a large chunk of the best part of my adolescence. When I have to sit with these other people in my grade (Junior year) all the hurt, the shame come back and I just barely repress the urge to scream. To cry out and tell them "the hell with all of you" and flip over a table or two. To punch the "best friend" who betrayed me in a moment of vulnerability and made sure to throw me under the bus to improve his standing with the girls I liked.

I've been told not to care what people think of you, but it's hard not to when you have to see these people every single day. After a while, all the flak of being called "awkward", or "rapey" or "fake" and unanimously rejected by both girls and guys, having to sit alone every break because of the stigma of people associating themselves with me.

The rugby team is alright, but their group is already tightly knit and I don't think they want to associate themselves with me. It's been a month or so but I haven't been invited anywhere.

What to do...? Does the ridicule ever end?