Hi,

Only so much can be understood or grasped via text. If you read my post history, you probably get a good idea of who I am. I feel this constant weight on my head and weakness that I am convinced I suffer from depression, in fact, the only time I don't feel depressed is when I have a girl that gives me attention that I like and is hot - I feel approved then. It's sad, and this is me being totally brutally honest with myself. I don't know where else to write this, I hope I get the feedback that I may build on.

I use to be a collegiate athlete (2 years graduated), I feel like it was the best and worst thing that ever could happen to me. Being from Europe and going to America on a soccer scholarship was just too easy, slaying anything and everything from girls who were models to actresses to the track and field sluts. I did them all. Modeled on the side, play soccer right now at a high level back in Europe, and I this week left my current job for another one which is a 20% increase in wage and potential target earnings and a better company. What has come of it?

I feel depressed, more than I have before. I feel empty. I feel more than anything, alone. I feel more alone in this life than I ever have. I miss feeling like I mattered, I go to work, I come home, and thats it. I have no purpose in life, I have no mission. I want to move to America but that is now just impossible with Trump and working Visa's. I find the girls here ugly as fuck in London, most of all, when I dont train for soccer or play in games, I am bored and on snapchat to a girl I have never met talking.

I may look alpha in terms of looks, not the biggest guys, but honestly, Im so far from it. Im a wreck. Sometimes I think it's genuinely hard to live, and it would be easier to just... not live. It hurts to wake up some mornings.

I don't know where to go from here, because I feel like I am going in circles, but I also feel like I am making advances in my life but I don't feel the reward, I don't feel anything. I feel lonelier, and lonelier, and lonelier.

At 26, I feel like this is the hardest point of my life, and I am now too old but still a child. Wrecked from my previous girlfriend and a current oneitis for a girl I haven't met, Im a fucking pathetic excuse of a man right now and I also think I've become a loser.

I've read all the Red Pill books, yet, I'm still fucking stuck. And all I want to be is happy.