First an intro I feel I must get out. I've been up all night reading about TRP. A slow mental IV drip if you will. And it's left me with...powerful feelings and thoughts inside that I must express NOW. Its almost like an urge to vomit (in a GOOD way...a cleansing way). Bear with me I just need to get it out. K? K.

21

I've not only swallowed the blue pill, I've fucking overdosed. Time to break out the activated carbon and stomach pump.

I was...and overall continue to be...the epitome of omega. I put the pussy on the highest pedestal, so much so that I feel wrong or creepy for as much as talking to a girl or even looking her in the eye. I just got finished reading The Story of the Reformed Incel, and so much of what he said and experienced is where I am at right now. But I feel I am at a cusp...and am thankfully reaching it 8 years earlier than he did.

Slowly but surely a new energy is growing in me...a force breaking through the thick layers of mental propaganda posters the misandrist dominant culture has put on me. Slowly but surely I've begun to take a "Go my own way attitude" to not just women, but life in general. On top of the frustration of being an incel (but not kissless, to borrow a term from 4chan) virgin, I've also faced some general life struggles, including my family facing bankruptcy, foreclosure, and having to drop out of college due to these money problems...and its all left me disillusioned with the world. I'm tired of being drop kicked by a world I've mindlessly served my whole life, only to have it all taken away...and my most basic needs denied.

I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct. I am Jack's Cold Sweat. I Am Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge. I Am Jack's Broken Heart

The world doesn't give a shit about me, so why give a shit about the world?

In the few changes I've made so far, I can already tell some changes. Before I used to live about 6 separate lives to keep up appearances for 6 separate groups of people. I would even avoid liking certain pages on Facebook out of fear of people seeing that I liked a page on their news feeds. I'm slowly condensing myself down into the one actual life I live. If I lose friends over what I like, fuck em. I don't need to be wasting my time trying to please people who can't stand the real me.

I've also begun to wear clothes I ACTUALLY want to wear rather than what I feel people "want" me to wear. I wear more black, I wear these industrial boots wherever I go. Sometimes I wear a thick black choker. Why? Because I like it that way. I used to hide pictures of myself on Facebook. Now my profile picture is me in my punk clothes, sipping a beer and throwing the horns.

And almost immediately these two girls who I was balls deep in the friend zone with seem to be changing their tune. Gonna be seeing one of them on Halloween at a rave. Lets see how she likes the new me, not the me I was told to be.

And just in general I already feel less stressed going my own way (in general). Keeping up appearances and trying to conform to society's thumb on my gender is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually taxing. To live by your own creed, to finally be able to say "no" or "I don't care" and actually stand up for what I believe and want is both empowering and stress relieving.

PHEW Now that thats out of the way, onto the point of this thread.

The blue pill has robbed me of my sexual nature. The blue pill and 8 years of Catholic school (nuns are the worst kind of women). Literally I cannot comprehend what its like to be with a woman sexually. I cannot mentally imagine myself actually performing the act if sex. It just feels...foreign. As if I can not comprehend and acknowledge that I am a sexual being. The thought of fucking someone just feels...wrong...like something I am physically incapable of doing. I know it might sound dumb, but I have been watching a lot of PoV porn lately, not so much for arousal, as much as kind of a simulation, if you will. A form of mental training in an attempt to comprehend what the act of sex is like.

HOW do I regain, acknowledge, and act on my sexual nature?

Also, while I may have been getting more female attention, it seems, I still suffer from crippling gynophobia (fear of women). Again, like I said before, I have trouble even looking girls in the eyes sometimes. The fear has been drilled into me THAT MUCH. Every time I attempt to talk to a girl, even a 3 or a 4, that little blue pill junkie voice in my head keeps coming back with the same old thoughts.

  • "You're a creepy piece of shit" (This voice has convinced me I'm inherently creepy)
  • "You're just annoying her"
  • "She doesn't want to talk to you"
  • "You can't do this"
  • "You're not a good enough man, you can't compete"
  • "What if she has a boyfriend? She has to, you're just asking to get your ass kicked"

And all kinds of other "She's WAAY above you, don't even bother" voices in my head that make me feel subhuman in the presence of anything with two X chromosomes.

HOW DO I EXCISE THIS VOICE FROM MY HEAD ONCE AND FOR ALL?!

Also one last question, about fitness. Mass or leanness? I'm only 5'7", so too much muscle would make me look out of proportion IMO. I'd much rather go for a lean, swimmers type look. What is TRP's opinion of this?

Last but not least, I just want to say I am so grateful I found this community. It might save my life, literally.

PS: Sorry if this is in the wrong section. It probably belongs in a limbo between here and AskTRP.