I am 24, I live with my parents. Ok it's really pathetic. The story goes like this. As I child I was bullied in school. At home nobody showed me that I can go and tell them about my problems so I just withdrew, gave it up. I was shy. My parents never really talked to me much, our conversations always were adressing weather, or dinner, or shopping or sh..ty things like that. I was always on my own with my problems that nobody else even knew that I had. I had no friends. So the years were passing, I was growing up. My parents were always very religious. The most important thing in our family was sunday mass. Finally I bacome very religious too, I was attending to different churches, and I was slowly realising my problems. I wanted healing in my life, preachers were telling me that God is the best father, that he can heal life, but that Father was deaf to my prayers and have never changed my life, so gradually I was losing my faith. So at that time I was realising what my problems were. I woke up grown up and kind of socially disabled, I had problems with talking to people, with going out, with asking somebody for something, going to post office or anyplace, getting things done anywhere, you get the idea... I have never had any friends, girlfriend, all my life I was sitting at home. I'm a pussy. I don't feel like a man at all. I feel inferior. I had nobody to teach me how to be a man. My father didn't do that. I feel almost like I didn't have one, though I live in a one house with him. I feel awkward among men, I feel that I don't belong, that it's not my world, like it's beyond my reach. I am not handy, I can't fix a thing. I have no common topics with men, I don't know much about sports or cars. I got the diriver's license but never drove on my own because I have never had courage to ask my father to borrow a car. Now I didn't even want to do anything with him, because he makes me uncomfortable, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and intimidated being alone with him. He almost disgusts me. I had a job but there were many men working there and I couldn't get along with them and was afraid of them and quitted the job. I have another job now, where I work mostly with women, but still I feel like what am I doing here when I enter the men's locker-room and hear their men's talk. I have no male friends, though I so crave to have and be part of this unknown world. I crave a father like figure but I never could find it in my father. I don't even know where to find any friends. I have a hard time even going out of my house to go meet anyone because I have never done that, I feel kinda shamed of it before my parents, I never done that, had no friends... it's so pathetic. I feel like a sissy, like a baby. Maybe I'm just degenerate son. Maybe God exists and will punish me for desiring evil things. I'm piece of sh.t. In church they have been telling me that everything is my fault, and giving my recipes for healing that never worked. Years are passing and I can't do anything with my life. I don't even know why I'm writing here about all that. I'm pathetic. I feel like I have to learn how to live from the beginning. I was always liked to watch porn and think about the men in the movie and dreaming that I can be as manly as they are.