TLDR -I was pathetic and have made some solid progress to becoming less so. Many miles to go.

Realized that Sunday was my one-year redpill anniversary. Here's where I was and how far I've come. This is mostly a journaling exercise for myself, but comments are welcome, even if it's just to call me a faggot. Not looking for your validation, just putting this out there for me and for the odd newb that wonders what the progression might look like.

A year ago, I was an exhausted 40 years old, 189 lbs, 25%+ skinnyfat, didn't lift, 17 years married career beta who had sprinkled just enough fakey Alpha on myself at times to marry a fairly attractive woman and build a somewhat successful career.

My wife had had an emotional affair (possibly physical and potentially more, can never know) 2 years into our marriage that still grated on me 15 years later, even though like a beta chump I stuck around and had 4 kids with her.

Bedroom was mostly dead, with duty sex every 2 weeks or so, and anything hotter than that (when I managed some clumsy DEVI), left her in religious guilt that kept me from getting laid for 3 weeks.

My run at self-employment had ended due to my poor planning and living in my wife's frame on everything I did, and I had taken a job with a local tech company. Gave me lots of time to read and absorb this stuff.

Finances were fucked and it’s an ongoing process to fix them. I am the most broke guy with an 800 credit score I know. Wife ran all money our entire marriage and it was automatic deposit in - automatic bill pay out. I never had cash in my wallet and had to ask and feel guilty for buying a coke. Wife bought all my clothes and bought herself anything she wanted. She bought me what she wanted me to have for birthdays Christmas etc. and her own presents too. I managed to hide cash occasionally or sell off stuff to buy things for myself and felt guilty every time I did.

I carried around endless guilt, covert contracts, anger and resentment and believed that the key to happiness was increased self-sacrifice.

What I did and where it got me:

1) Lift - started with 5x5 and the fucking bar. now I am 175 pounds, 12% bodyfat, visible abs, suntanned. 3 rep max - Bench 220, OHP 130, Deadlift 300, Squat 260. Tore my rotator cuff last week so Bench and OHP are off the table for a bit while I try to heal it without surgery.

I am not jacked by any means, but for a 41-year-old natural and hard gainer with no weightlifting background I look good in clothes, look good out of clothes, feel a ton better about myself and my abilities etc. Lifting is the foundation. If you are not willing to fight this battle in the gym just quit now. NOTHING is better for frame.

I get constant IOIs from women now and am better at passing shit tests, better at work and better at life thanks to lifting.

2) read and re-read the damn sidebar. it's all there. The next step for me in internalizing and growth is to do more writing. Learn by teaching it so to speak. As many know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon) and there are a ton of us on here. The Church has a strong doctrinal foundation compatible with Redpill but like all of Christianity has been infiltrated by blue pill feminists and allowed Beta plowhorses to thrive and be lauded for their self-sacrifice.

Many men in the Church need the redpill desperately but choke on the amoral lack of righteous prescription and the upfront brutal realities of human nature. Working on writings to soften the blow with an easy-to-swallow coating, while not watering it down or making it purple pill, (i.e. saying fuck without saying fuck)

3) Took back control of my finances last December. This was our first major fight as I went Rambo to fix everything at once. But I actually kicked ass on this shit test, held frame and simply opened my own account, switched automatic deposit and set a new paradigm. Skills were rusty at first but I’m making progress. We are still in a shitty place overall, and it’s my fault for allowing it.

I was laid off in April from the tech job but landed a new job within a week. As usual its commission, but it’s what I have done for 15 years and I have it up and running now and more than covering expenses, slowly paying down debts. Doing things for myself when finances permit and when I feel like it. Buying my own clothes and my wardrobe now inspires dread and attraction. Wife still managed to fuck up her personal finances last week and I took the opportunity to set a plan of action, remind myself that she is only a semi-responsible teenager and lead.

2018 has been a cast-iron bitch; with major medical issues for wife and son, the layoff, wife totaled her car, a significant house repair issue, wife lost the diamond from her wedding ring, my favorite grandmother passing away, Rambo radical life changes, and now my torn rotator but I soldier on. I list these things not to complain but to remind myself of all the ass-kicking I have done this year in handling and owning my shit. Beta me would have been complaining to my wife constantly and being unattractive, or depressed and giving up like I was a year and a half ago when closing my business down.

Relationship: We have had a couple opening salvos toward a main event, I went Rambo and still harbor too much anger, but I have been passing shit tests and handling things. I AA, fog and am cocky/funny. I can see the sparkle of attraction and admiration in her eyes even as she calls me an asshole. Learning from each experience how to better lead and pour her into my frame and my mission.

I am fun, I lead, and I make plans. I still fuck up all the time, but I have momentum. Hell, I actually have the beginnings of a mission for myself -finding that lack of mission was my single biggest depressing factor my entire life. Wife and kids are invited to come along on the awesome journey.

Sex has improved tenfold in quality and quantity has gone up to 4-5 times/week. I lead in the bedroom. No more guilt or “I need to feel loved to want sex” arguments from the wife. I game her constantly and operate with outcome independence and abundance mentality. Dread level is 6-7 and I really don’t see the need to go higher right now. I am witty and social again and maintain plausible deniability while being flirty and CHOOSING to remain faithful. (I would divorce her cleanly before I will cheat)

Red pill has affected everything in my life by giving me back freedom of choice. I choose to remain faithful, not because I have no options or because my religion says so. I choose my religious belief system rather than letting the local culture or her choose it for me. My relationship with God is better because I CHOOSE to operate within it and pursue it my way. Questioning all my beliefs has made me so much stronger in what I choose to believe and do.

Abundance mentality, dread and outcome independence are so effective not only in my relationship but in my commission sales job that I am having breakthroughs and growth I hadn’t achieved in a decade.

I am on the endless journey to becoming the man I am supposed to be. . I am nowhere near to arriving, and there is nowhere to arrive to. There is no damn spoon. Shit, my 3 daughters are going to be teenagers starting in a couple of years and I have a LOT to do.

I appreciate the posters here who have kicked my ass when needed and helped me figure some of this shit out along the way. I can’t wait to see what new shit I am going to have to learn in year two.

I appreciate u/red-sfpplus for keeping my eyes wide and painfully open to Mormon AWALT.

I appreciate u/Rian_Stone for taking my original pathetic IM a year ago and being hard enough on me to wake me up and patient enough with me to keep messaging when I thought I had to be a posturing hard guy and told him to fuck off.

It may yet all go to shit, but I don’t care anymore about the risks. I am finally starting to live my own life.