TL;DR

I once posted some shit about a situation with ex-wife from the perspective of my "inner child", almost nobody understood the post and I removed it, this was long ago. This was a good post for that time.

Today, I post shit from the same perspective, 3 years after moving out of ex's. I understood that my mother (and ex-wife, because she was "mother replacement") did not want to be saved, really.

Body

My father was abusive alcoholic, then he gave up booze and went workaholic, so he was pretty absent. Don't get me wrong, I've had food, shelter and things and I really do remember all the good things he ever did for me, I wouldn't' be where I am without him. I read some really sad stories here and there and it's both like I see I had things way better than some people with abusive parents, but still there's a lot in their stories I can relate to.

My mother seemed unhappy. When I was a child, I thought that my father is the reason she's unhappy. I saw her as a powerless, motionless victim. Why? Perhaps because I was still a child, maybe I projected my own childish "inability to be independent" on her.

When I grew older, I probably saw the wife in the same way.

When I discovered that I need to stop drinking and went to therapy, I felt like I went straight to 7th heaven. I found the solution. I found the way to make mother (and wife) happy.

The reality was, wife lost the rest of her attraction to me when I gave up booze, gave me no support at all when I decided to sober up. Then I decided I need to divorce.

Basing on what my kids say, her current boyfriend is pretty much like I was before. Beta boy, plays video games, supports her, helps her arranging furniture, helps her with kids, I also bet this guy smokes weed and drinks, so for her this probably means he's "more fun" than I was, especially when I started to get sober. She divorces a man, then she finds a man who's pretty much like the man she divorced was. This means that's exactly what she needs.

My mother never divorced my father. Which allows me to conclude, that:

Mommy never wanted to be saved

My mother didn't want to be saved, ever. She was pretty happy with my abusive dad, probably replaying pathological roles learned in her childhood. She was happy in her own way, she had her oxytocin supply, she had her emotional addiction fix, she had the instability, the emotions, the hysteria.

Exactly the same for wife, when I was married.

This whole thing with "saving my family through self-improvement aka getting sober" was my own idea. It was a good idea and I'm glad I implemented it. I kept to it like a crazy man and it all turned out very good for me. This whole thing, when I understood, that most of my problems in my childhood stemmed from father being absent and escaping into booze. I found the way to fix that, I followed they way as much as I could, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. The problem was, I though I am saving my family (me, wife, kids). I actually did save my family (me, kids) but the girl had to go, as she craved what I was before therapy, not what I became after.

I didn't understand what was wrong with my idea then for my wife. I didn't understand the then-wife sabotaging me, I was like "bitch, wtf, I'm doing all this shit for the family, for us, I'm getting us out of this black hole of alcoholism and despair which lasts at least since our previous generation, why the fuck won't you cooperate". This is how it was for me and she did not cooperate, ever, because this was NOT what she wanted for her, EVER.

Lessons learned

You know this already: don't listen what she says, look what she does. What they had in their past, what they have now, this is what they really want. Everybody in their lives is exactly where he/she wants to be, no matter what he/she says about it.

Every single girl saying "oh my ex boyfriend cheated on me/liked girls/wasn't faithful" wants a man with strong preselection really. Every single plate that I fucked who ever told me something about her bf fucking other girls does NOT mind me fucking other girls AT ALL. Of course they tell me they don't like it, perhaps on the intellectual level they do realise all the dangers of it, etc, but on the lizard brain level... if they ever switch to Billy Beta, who will tell them every day how important they are and how faithful he is, they're going to miss something and they won't even realise, what's the thing they're missing. Girl tells you about an abusive boyfriend, be even more abusive, this is what she wanted. Girl tells you she was raped on the first date, great, either run from her, she's crazy borderless BPD with emotionality of a 2-yr old child -- or seduce and rape her, because that's what she wants, this is why she's communicating that to you ("early frame announcement", from "Practical female psychology"). Of course those are drastic examples and after being married to some crazy brood you perhaps want some peace of mind AND our general idea here is "run from BPDs" but you should get my idea, this is an example, drastic but still.

They don't want to be saved, there was already a post on not-saving women in the main sub, suggest you find it and read it and don't save people who don't come and don't ask you straight for your opinion.

Practical advice for the beginning MERPs*

Nothing new here.

You found us, you found problem with your life, good. You have your MAP, you have your OYS posts, good.

Either your wife either jumps the train (because woman's default mode is being the reflection of the man they're with) and starts doing yoga and shit, good. You fuck her and/or fuck plates and her, this is "RP", you do you, you do what you want... or your wife does NOT jump the train and sabotages your progress, good. You ignore her, fuck plates, you do what you want, you continue the progress or you slip back to beta ways, this is "RP", nobody tells you what to do.

Maybe mother was dreaming about the better life, maybe she liked the life she had, maybe she didn't know anything better. Maybe she bragged about it just for the sake of virtue-signalling, to think better about herself, to make herself look better in front of other people. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Epilogue

I'm not a child any more. I understand I can only save myself. The whole idea of saving the whole world, my family, my wife and everyone else was also an idea stemming from the child's ego point of view.

As a child, my thinking was without any borders. As a grown-up man, I know my limitations. I know how people work. I know how I work. I know I can only fix myself, only then, right after I found a working solution - only then I can help other people... when they ask for it.

Regards,