A month out from the wedding... Finds TRP... Do I call it off?

Hey team,

NOTE: Feel free to skip down to “Main Problem”, the rest is just to provide context for it/help me sort it out in my own head.

I’m in quite a distressing predicament and need some insight from the men here. This won’t be particularly coherent and likely quite long, but I will do my best to provide only the relevant information.

NOTE: I have been redpilled around mens rights, dangers of women, divorce, feminism and some of the concepts discussed here for a few years, but did not fully begin to review the sexual strategy stuff or review this sub reddit until the last few weeks.

Background:

Age 26; I have had a pretty rough history. High sensitivity (26 HSP), High IQ (~130); INFJ MBTI; high introversion, openness, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism (60O, 80C, 30E, 50A, 88N) ; Nice guy af; lots of emotional trauma from childhood – hospitalized 3 times in teenage years for depression, suicide attempt, and drug overdose; impatient drug-rehab 1 month, outpatient 1 year; have had some level of anxiety or depression every day for the last decade. Spent most of my life alone, in my head, with a hatred of the state of the world and the people around me.

Had a decent amount of women interested in me as a young teen, but never particularly had game; always had lot of anxiety but also a lot of reckless disregard for other people. Was talking to/hooking up with women, eventually got in LTR, while still being in relationship with another girl (“other” girl knew, “main” didn’t), broke it off with “other” girl, “main” girl found out; we stayed together but I became beta as fuck and became a Nice Guy—never recovered from the shame and guilt I felt, spent the rest of the relationship trying to “make it up to her”; we were both enmeshed and extremely emotional dependent on eachother. I moved out of parents’ house at 18, she moved in when I was 19, we broke up when I was 20—I had receded in to playing video games and having no spine and no direction and a lot of depression, she had a bunch of emotional issues herself, she broke up with me.

At this point it was either kill myself or make a life worth living and do something useful. Was too afraid to kill myself so started reading a lot of science, became interested in politics/conspiracy stuff, after a few years eventually found Stefan Molyneux which was a NOS injection to my self growth. 2 short term relationships over these 3 years, both in which I was beta as fuck. 5 yr LTR moved back in with me at one point because her life was a disaster and I was a cuck. Eventually she kicked herself out because I was too NiceGuy to tell her I didn’t want her there. She almost moved back in a year later, but I had a bit more balls saying what I needed from the relationship and she declined.

Got in another relationship (age 23), had more self awareness, thought she cared about self dev like me. Being with her and what I’d learned from Molyenux helped me to leave my toxic family and get in to therapy. She got in to therapy too. I got a new job in a career I was interested in (used to work for family). Was nice guy as fuck in our relationship; I have always been highly critical and highly perfectionistic, but too afraid to hurt other peoples’ feelings to ever say it, so would always just sit in head and shame spiral, covert contract, w/ nice guy blow ups.

After a year, she wanted to move in together because she hated where she was living, I said no, moving in is basically marriage to me. She said we will go to therapy together if have issues. I Said okay fine. Relationship was already on rocks, I was ball of shame. Things got worse. She dropped out of therapy (she wasn't really all that interested, was just trying to follow my vision... AWALT) broke up with me after 4 months. I Refused to accept it. We still lived together for 6 months. I found WISNIFG during the break up. Started using newfound skills on her. Was, one, sick of being a faggot, but, two, wanted to maybe win her back. The distress this caused her eventually resulted in her finally moving out. I went in to deep depression, anxiety for 6 months, maybe the worst period of unrelenting pain in my life, trying to figure out what happened with this relationship. First time feeling suicidal since teens. Therapy 2-3 days a week for 6 months. Took 2 month hiatus from work. Got fired for it. Got it back. After enough emotional work trying to figure out this relationship, with a secondary goal of winning her back, I finally got some self esteem and for the first time in life became content without a woman.

Turn 25. Uptrend. Getting better at my job. Reading a self improvement book almost every week. Still perpetually anxious. No sex in over a year. Still too traumatized from last relationship, just trying to work on self. Eventually felt secure enough to try things again. Got on Tinder. Overwhelming anxiety. RP acquaintance helped me a bit. Had a thing with a girl for a few weeks, went through entire cycle of 1.5 year relationship of skepticism to obsession to “mistake” to shame spiral to break up to depression to recovery. Getting better.

Feeling overwhelmed at work at the time. Just want to hide in corner with headphones on 10 hours a day and do my job but can’t tell anyone no. Almost quit. Realize I will have this problem anywhere. Buy 5 assertiveness books. Find NMMNG. Biggest gold mine of life. Join NMMNG therapy groups.

Started getting better at Tinder. Few dates. No sex. Girl at work interested in me. Making progress. Become more conservative, moving from libertarian to Alt Right, seeing more value in the concepts of Christianity (grew up Christian, became atheist because God isn’t real). Also started lifting around this time.

HB6ACVGO Enters:

Start bantzing with High IQ HB6 altright Christian Virgin girl online (HB6ACVGO) who is in mutual philosophy group. She lives in another state. I consider as nothing more than fun female attention. Continue working on self. Going on dates. Bantz with HB6ACVGO increases. Leads to skype call. Ends up being 8 hours. Best call of our lives. End up talking all the time. She finds out I am going on dates and such. Is supportive but not of sex cause Christian virgin girl. FYI she is intentionally celibate, looking to get married.

Note: she introduced me to Jordan Peterson which we have been devouring for a year now.

Potentially opportunity for date/sex w HB7 coworker (I know and knew, bad idea, but my life has been too safe; need to make some mistakes). Plan to do it. HB6ACVGO says, while she understands, she wouldn’t be able to continue talking to me if I had sex with another woman. I have deep crisis about it for a day. I am significantly annoyed by HB6ACVGO’s existence. I wanted to go date women, and here comes a woman far closer to my ideal than I ever thought possible walking in to the middle of it as im just getting momentum. So I Plan to have sex with HB7 anyway and deal with fall out, because otherwise I’d be a beta faggot. Tell HB6ACVGO. We talk for 6 hours. Eventually I come to conclusion that this woman is wonderful and closing that door for some sex I am not particularly interested in with dumb coworker is not worth. Tell her we need to accelerate this. Let’s see if we are going to get married ASAP so we can move on with our lives—hers of finding another husband, mine of dating lots of women—and not waste time. She accepts.

Talking all time. several hours a day. Ideas, history, self improvement, everything under the sun. Definitley obsessed with eachother for a while. Get in a decent amount of fights. She shit tests me. I fail most. She is highly disagreeable. She wants an alpha. I am just getting my alpha legs. She also wants children soon (been around children her whole life, 4 sibling). For me marriage and children was a “maybe one day” concept (parents divorced, only child, spent most of life alone, high neuroticism). Lots of difficulty and anxiety for both of us— mostly as a result of our cultural differences--my growing up in highly liberal degenerate culture trained to be a beta cuck girl boy, she being from a highly rigid conservative Christian culture. Eventually I start to get the hang of beginning to be disagreeable. Still hard. Women being upset was hard. I am not man enough for her. She is not woman enough for me. We both help eachother become more of who we want to be.

Have not shame spiraled in 6 months. Only done so a few times in our entire relationship, used to be a way of life. Feelsgoodman.

After 4 months I go out there, stay with her and her family. Both of us balls of stress whole time. Still hard for both of us. She is not as pretty or feminine as I thought (self care, conscientiousness stuff, could be fixed). I am more faggy than she hoped too (working on it). Her family has some issues but overall good people. Everyone is kind of skeptical of the success of all this including us. I realize how much we both still have to work on, she needs therapy. I break up with her. 2 weeks later we start talking again attempting to be friends because we both provide eachother significant insight in to the others’ self dev, obviously becomes flirtatious and intimate again. Things ramp up again after 2 months.

I’m not going to deport her so I say fuck it and buy ring. Go out there again to propose. Feels really forced for both of us. Both of us balls of stress whole time. I propose. Feels wrong to both of us. I have panic attack next day. I assume it’s because it’s the “wrong decision”. I take ring back. Determine that she might be my dream girl in a few years, and I her dream man, but that we both have a lot more self improvement that needs to happen first. She begrudgingly agrees.

We don’t talk for 2 months. I grow a beard. Start getting pretty fit. getting more assertive and leaderful and emotionally stable. She is going to therapy consistently, doing high C stuff, getting her skin taken care of, etc. She tells me I look hot. We start talking again. Shit tests and fights start again soon. I start passing. I figure out how to deal with unhappy women. I decide that she provides me value and makes me a better man and so I will continue this weird LDR pseudo-relationship until I decide it’s no longer useful. I tell her that if this is no good for her, she will need to “break up” with me, I will not do it for her. She tries to “break up” with me twice so that she can move on but ends up coming back. Shit tests passed.

Still unsure of whether we will get married. Vague plan of moving to a common area in a year to sort it out as she can’t move to me (virgin girl uprooting her life to go stay with a guy in another state and coming back with her tail between her legs is a no) and I am not about to move to her (though considered it just so I could get a clear answer on all this).

We keep going back and forth. She tries to “break up” with me once and for all but then keeps talking to me. We both know it’s a shit test. I find an anxiety book called DARE. 10/10 would recommend. Now much more able to handle crazy shit and not have panic attacks. Realize that most of my depression is because I have never had a purpose. pleasing women was the only that that ever felt like a purpose, but then I lost that after second LTR. Realize now that wife and children and 14 and being an alpha provider husband is part of my purpose. This plus newfound balls cause me to get tired of all this uncertainty and the fact that this box is not closed. Decide I’m going to work remotely for a month from her house and determine what i'm going to do with this girl once and for all.

Up until this point only a few close friends/coworkers knew about this whole thing (now going on 10 months). Now that I am gone for a month and starting to DGAF, I stop hiding it as much. Most of the office probably knows I am off in another state to see if I’m going to marry some girl I’ve been talking to on the internet for a year. Feels faggy, but DGAF.

Finds TRP. Starts reading af hoping to become more of a man and not have the same problems I had in previous relationships. Flys to HB6ACVG(O). Living in parents’ house for a month. Not weird. I am like their adopted child. HB6ACVG(O) and I hit it off pretty well. She is more noticeably more feminine, I am more masculine than later time. We feel a lot more attracted. She shit tests me hard the first weekend, 24 hour “fight”, blows up on me tells me I don’t care about her feelings, breaks up with me, tells me to go home, I just blow it off, go to church without her, come home and stay in my room reading as I don’t have enough frame yet to hold it in front of her family while we are in a fight. She eventually comes in disagreeable af. I hold frame. She eventually gives in. We talk about it. I don’t apologize. It’s resolved. Never comes up again. Feelsgoodman.jpg

I use some new RP mindset, works well. Still very infantile in my understanding and confidence. Have been reading a lot of RP while here. Felt at first 100% going to marry her, but tiny bug in the back of my mind had yet to reconcile RP with marriage and needed to know more.

Sub problem:

I came in with the assumption that we were not going to have sex before marriage, and honestly feel that even if I could alpha her in to sex (which I probably couldn’t, given her commitment to her virginity, and given my lack of alphaness at this point) that I shouldn’t because it is a huge component of pride to her and her identity and if I took that from her and then didn’t marry her that might would ruin her life at least for a year or something, and if I was going to marry her then why not just let her have that and wait.

We have snuggled a lot and made out, I have tried escalating a few hundred times and she has given a little but not much. I am now bored with this. Getting rejected or upsetting her for crossing boundaries doesn’t matter to me anymore but it’s just annoying and makes me feel like a faggot. I am considering just not even putting myself in a situation where I want to escalate, but not sure what to do about this. Please advise.

Last night I finally got the clarity i was looking for RE:RP vs marriage while reading Rollo—that basically plating and all this is to increase status which eventually leads to marriage and children in a successful way. I do want marriage and children, and it is an important part of my value structure (14).

Main Problem:

I could marry this woman tomorrow if I wanted to. She is a high quality woman. Highly self aware. Highly interested in self improvement. Young. Naturally pretty and interested in getting prettier (just has spent too much time working on her mind than her looks most of her life). Would give me as many children as I want. has read hundreds of books on how to be a good wife and mom, is highly intellectually and emotionally stimulating, is also highly disagreeable which forces me to grow some fucking balls, and has a natural proclivity to push me to be less of a faggot because she wants to be married to a man she can be proud of.

We both have issues. We both have shit to improve on. I to become more of a man, her more of a woman. Are there more women out there like her? Yes. Could I and would I find one? Yes. Eventually. Is she “The one”? No, “the one” does not exist. AWALT. I know.

My thing is: Okay let’s say I break up with her to go fully live the Red Pill life. Well one, I lose my best friend who has done more to make me a man than anyone in my life, I lose her family who are my friends and the closest thing I’ve ever had to a family (I haven’t spoken to anyone in my own family in 2 years), I go back to my own state having to explain that I dumped a very high quality woman so I can go fuck sluts with the goal of finding an equally or ever so slightly higher quality woman in a few years (which I definitely couldn’t say so I’d have to make something up but I can’t think of anything which wouldn’t make me sound like a faggot), then I’d probably have at least a few months to recover from this 1 year relationship and the guilt that I dumped a woman who I love and who loves me, and then I’d have to overcome all my social anxiety and shit (which I am working on anyway but would require my sole attention), putting aside my career goals and intellectual pursuits (which have been my primary focus for the last year since I haven’t had to waste my evening on tinder and trying to get women) so I can go on dates with dumb women all the time, so it’d be at least 6 months if not a year before I could do any decent level of plating, and let’s say I can really get that down and do that for a few years before I decide it’s “the right time” to settle down and get married and have children: Do I really gain a phenomenally higher value out of this, than if I marry this girl and continue to become the best, most alpha man I can be? My thought is No, but I only feel 90% sure that is true. So I come to you, to convince me that getting married now makes me a faggot and I need to go plate for 4 years and that that, in the long run, will be phenomenally better than marrying this woman, to the degree that it’s worth more or less starting my life over for.