My Journey: What I learnt to do, or what not to do!

(This is what I should have posted instead of 3 separate bare bones posts earlier. /u/bogeyd6 – it’s all here, with meat this time.)

This will be a bit long, so here is the structure:

  • Mistake 1 – Red pill Rambo – aka AF/BB and how to balance
  • Mistake 2 – Mixing up masculine qualities with good-person qualities – How to assess correctly
  • Mistake 3 – I have become awesome now, but I see no changes – aka Possible reasons why I am over-estimating my progress
  • Mistake 4 – Getting frustrated – Flowchart to follow if you are unhappy
  • My timeline of RP as reference

Mistake 1 – Red pill Rambo – aka AF vs. BB and how to balance

Every person is unique, so when you have two unique individuals then their relationship is unique too. So, depending on the personality of the people involved every relationship has minimum requirements for alpha and beta qualities. Too much alpha is cocky asshole, while too much beta is the uber-nice guy trying to please all the time.

Note that so far I have not used genders or relationship type so far. Because I believe this dynamic is true for any relationship in your life. You have had that one cocky asshole friend that never understands your problems but is always making fun of you. There always is that one pet-employee/student that is trying to please the boss/teacher. The quantities of alpha and beta present, and the minimum required for each relationship is unique.

In short:

  • Alpha qualities – Leadership, Stoicism
  • Beta qualities – Comfort, Empathy

When starting on this journey, we all learnt about the basics, the alpha fucks and beta bucks qualities and actions/activities that establish those qualities. We learned how the bad boys give tingles as they exhibit a lot of alpha qualities, while good guys (not “nice guys”, that’s another topic) exhibit a lot of beta qualities and make great husbands/providers. Go back to sidebar books if you need details, but here is a quick recap:

Coming back to MRP, most of the newbies start with very few alpha qualities, and usually moderate number of beta qualities. Also, of note is that dating and single life does not require as much beta qualities, while marriage or a LTR requires fair amount of beta qualities to be sustainable. Bigger the family (i.e. more kids, or grandparents living together etc) the higher the requirement for number of beta qualities for that relationship to be sustainable.

  • Alpha qualities – tingles – favored for short term feelz - Increase SMV
  • Beta qualities – comfort – favored for long term - Increase RMV

where SMV is Sexual market value, and RMV is Relationship market value.

So, what happens when a newbie comes across the TRP/MRP and ‘correctly’ identifies the lack of alpha qualities in himself and then proceeds to ‘incorrectly’ reduce beta qualities while acting like an entitled asshole. That my friends is what we refer to as going Redpill Rambo.

Why does he do it? Because everyone told him to model after bad boys, and what is glaringly obvious to a 'good' and "nice guy"?

"The bad boys are assholes."

What you actually want to model after is:

Confidence, boldness, muscular body, interesting hobbies, being fun

Don’t feel discouraged, happened to most of us, sort of a rite of passage.

How to fix that? Having been reading for a year now so I forget who advised this in MRP but the gist was: Keep doing what you have been doing, while adding alpha qualities. Do not stop doing the beta actions as these required for the relationship to survive. Now, this does not include nice guy activities that inherently have covert contract. Feel free to cut down on nice-guy activities as you see fit.

You might still be able to cut down on some beta activities without threatening relationship survival, but how much is that – it all depends on your (unique) relationship with that unique individual.

But wait, I don't want to be beta.

Of course not. That is why you add enough alpha that the ratio of alpha-to-beta tilts in favor of alpha. If instead you decide to decrease beta and thereby have more alpha than beta qualities, then you are just a lowly schmuck with not many qualities.

Now is a good time to refer to the chart that shows the paths forward. The horizontal axis is increasing beta actions in right direction; while vertical axis is increasing alpha actions in top direction. The red boxes show various idolized keywords as follows:

Balancing alpha and beta - Chart Link

  • Low on Blue; Low on Red – Loser – No redeemable qualities at all
  • High on Blue; Low on Red – MRP Newbie – Good for relationship comfort
  • Low on Blue; High on Red – TRP Chad – Goof for sexual attraction, or tingles
  • High on Blue; High on Red – Ideal RP – A good balance of alpha and beta actions, and lots of alpha and lots of beta

Horizontal dash line – If you are too low on alpha scale and as you keep adding, it will be a while before she or anyone notices a change in you. That is the minimum alpha required before a change is observed. Depending on the other person, there might be a power struggle or smooth sailing, but this is the right path forward.

Vertical dash line – This is the minimum amount of beta activities required for a relationship to survive. Chads are famously lacking in beta comfort actions so they are not ideal.

Transitions:

  • Red Pill Rambo (Blue arrow): If you abandon all beta qualities while not adding enough alpha, you are going red pill Rambo, and following the blue arrow.
  • TRP in LTR (Yellow arrow): In rare chance that you arrived here from being a TRP veteran, you are in great position already. Just need to add beta actions and boom you are the unicorn every woman is dreaming of.
  • Growth mindset (Green arrow): For rest of us, we just need to keep increasing our alpha actions, while ensuring we do not drop below relationship threshold of beta actions.

But wait, what are these alpha actions, and why do I keep mixing alpha/beta/masculine/human/etc??

Mistake 2 – Mixing up masculine qualities with good-person qualities – How to assess correctly

That is the next mistake we made, at least I did. While I thought, I was increasing my alpha, I was just becoming a good human being (and shedding off my “nice guy” traits). Which is correct thing to do, but those are not the qualities that will generate tingles. Necessary but not sufficient.

Note that alpha-beta, masculine and SMV/RMV are all interconnected. For e.g., Doing the dishes or tidying up to ensure house is clean – alpha. Yes, it is your house, even if she is SAHM, you are a leader that ensures your place is in top top condition. However, it increases your RMV more than your SMV.

Being pleasant all around, joking and flirting with everyone, that will increase your SMV as well as RMV. Not being fat, but ripped with low bodyfat, that will increase your SMV more than RMV. Using foul/abusive language just to show you are badass – that is plain stupid.

Since most of us here start out bit overweight and not fit, the low hanging fruit is Lifting! Also, it is a slow process so it must be the first habit to be developed.

Further reading:

  1. /u/Sepean posted excellent article here

  2. /u/JDRoedell 's post on balancing RP

And this is where your self-analysis gets important. If you are improving by leaps and bounds, but not observing any changes, you need to:

  1. Ensure you are working on things that require most working on. If you are an investment banker, you do not need to work on getting more money. If you are gym trainer, you do not need take your deadlift from 3x bodyweight to 5x bodyweight. Find out what you are most lacking and ensure you have that on improvement track.
  2. Ensure you are correctly understanding effect of each quality – Is it good for Sexual attraction or Relationship potential? If you keep working on RMV qualities, then do not expect SMV to improve.
  3. Ensure you are not overestimating your progress. Which brings me to the next mistake.

Mistake 3 – I have become awesome now, but I see no changes:

Or Possible reasons why I am over-estimating my progress

[MrPrider and (/u/drtypr)\ 's checklist eg] (https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5udfwn/so_you_think_you_are_doing_everything_yet_nothing)

This is just a checklist I like to review periodically to ensure I know where I stand. As noted in the discussion on that post, it is important to compare my current self to what I want to be, and not where I was at the start. If I get discouraged or impatient, then I look at the starting point and lift myself up that I have made progress, a little in some areas, a lot in other areas. And I will keep at it until I meet my goals. (And keep moving my goals forward as required).

Follow the link for more discussion on various things.

However, even after all this, you might be frustrated. If you are worried that you are missing something, then here is the flowchart to see what to do next:

Mistake 4 – Getting frustrated – Flowchart to follow if you are unhappy

Flowchart if you are frustrated

If you know what you are doing, then do not start the flowchart. It is when you are confused and frustrated with your progress.

Why this flowchart? At the start of every MRP journey, there will come a time when you will start getting IOIs from other women, some even blatantly flirting with you, but there would have been no change in your relationship with your wife. Plainly put, this is frustrating.

No, you are not doing it to improve this relationship but to improve yourself. No, there are no covert contracts that if you improve, this relationship will improve. However, as a human being, it is natural to get frustrated when everyone around can see the prize you are, but not your wife. You have this strong urge to serve the divorce papers and move on. Every few weeks.

Patience. Deep breath.

This flowchart ensures that you are doing everything you can to improve yourself. To increase your SMV so high that if you should leave your wife then you will have no problem in (1) getting laid and (2) maintaining RP lifestyle in any new relationship.

Follow the link and go through the discussion there. There are only 2 outputs from that flowchart, either you work on improving yourself, or you file for divorce. If you truly understand ‘complete ownership’ then you probably are already on the path to improvements and no need to start this flowchart.

Finally, on frustration and patience, here is a reference for newbies:

My timeline

I have considered myself smart, have engineering background, making 6 figures since late-20s, but I was a career beta. Until a year ago I did not know what redpill was.

34M/SMV 5/RMV 9 with 34F/SMV 7/RMV 5 and together 10 yrs at that point of time, no kids or pets, yet – felt disrespected and taken for granted

  • Time: Zero – Came across Athol Kay’s MMSLP
  • 1^st month – spent at MMSLP forum, reading forum posts etc.
  • 2^nd month – Came across TRP and MRP, Read NMMNG, WISNIFG, Rational Male etc
  • 3^rd month – Start lifting in true sense. Yes, I was stupidly slow in starting this. Realization of being career beta.
  • 4^th month – went redpill Rambo, almost thinking of divorce
  • 6^th month – getting IOIs in bars from HB6-7s, more frustration at home, changed job
  • 8^th month – read bang and day bang and started approaching, got a number from girl for first time in decade, entered LDR and felt doomed
  • 9^th month - depression, went back to sq 1, gained 20 lbs, mostly fat
  • 10^th month – Sobered up, back in 4x/week in gym, running on weekends, 5 approaches/weekend
  • 12 months – LDR end, but new job requires me to travel 3-4 days/week
  • ~14months – SMV 7 by looks alone, can get to 8 given right situation. Had a FMorFY event. Replied “ok” to her threat to divorce. Ball is in my court to decide if I will continue or quit. She knows the boundaries and keeps testing them. IDNGAF. I have the MRP knowledge, and lifting experience to blast away.

Summary: I made all the usual mistakes, and sometimes keep repeating them. But, I know the path forward, and am gaining ground one step at a time. I felt I am going much slower than most FR I read here, but then accepted that is what it is. This is my journey, it is unique. I started this relationship as a complete beta, a happy go lucky aloof but beta, and then turned into pathetic beta. I am undoing all of that while adding the alpha qualities. And enjoying the process.

If you think you are going slow, it is okay. You made a mistake or you relapsed, it is not end of the world. You will be fine if you keep pushing. Journey is half the fun as well.