There have been lately quite a few "breaking free" stories at MRP, so I decided to add my own. I have been postponing this FR for quite some time now, thinking that "I will see this next step through, first", but that time never comes. There is always more to do, so I will share with you how it is going, right now.

I found MRP first almost a year ago. I came here to find cure for my sex life, but my first attempt failed miserably. Those who have been around might remember my great whinings about "the Main event" from last summer, see post history. As a new guy here, the overload of information was just too much. After reading NMMNG, MMSLP and all the popular blogs and posts with no previous information it was easy to go rambo, mute and sit on a sofa just to wait for a shit test to pass. The problem was that it worked at first. When I first passed a direct shit test my wife actually smiled, and in the middle of the next night she woke me up to have sex. A week later I came in her mouth after a blowjob without asking and she kept sucking. Now she had told me she doesn't like that. Without flushing her mouth she went hand washing her lingerie at 11PM. I was certain that my wife is a unicorn and I had just found the holy grail. Enter the most giant covert contract of them all; all I need to do is ignore her, and she will open her legs. Fast forward four months and I was rushing out of the door bawling my eyes out after a failed shit test. That was seven months ago. All this is documented here, and I got more replies than I deserved. I was back at back at square one, plug still in place.

The first decision to I made was to be honest. I know this is entry level stuff, but that is where I really was after four months chocking on the pill. Now I don't of course mean sharing my feelz with my wife, nor do I talk about MRP. But taking ownership of my own opinions, needs and wants. As a "nice guy", this created me some anxiety at first but I sticked with it. A few examples:

  • "Would you make me cup of coffee?", - "No, I'm watching the game", or "Sure, would you like to have a sandwich, too?"
  • "Do you like my new haircut?", -"Hmm, it's too short, I liked the last one better"
  • "Did you you stare at her??", -"Did you see those boobs?! How come she wears such a tiny bikinis?"
  • "I'm going to the movies and beer with the boys on Saturday"
  • "I don't want to join, its my gym night"
    And silence is honesty, too. I don't say what I don't mean or don't want to say. Of course, most notably not saying "I love you" when my brain is not filled with hormones we call "love" and I literally can't keep it in anymore. It also makes DEERing practically impossible.

To build on honesty, I refused star fish sex. The first time when I asked her to quit during foreplay when she was clearly not into it she ran out of the room. Second time she rolled inside her blanket and went mute. Third time never came.

No covert contracts. I still catch myself doing them time to time, but I always stop it right there and go do something else. This has included leaving laundry in the middle of the floor for couple of hours until I was actually more bothered by the pile of clothes than lack of sex and quitting set of bicep curls in the gym when it was not a bicep day. I have also cancelled a hotel reservation for the weekend and returned the first Christmas present I bought her to the store. And it does not have to be about sex. When I need something, I do it myself.

So, I don't ask her for anything unless the job physically needs more than two hands. If she is in the kitchen making sandwiches, I go there to make my own. If she offers to make me one, I'm happy to have one if I actually want. As a father of two, this includes also taking care of the kids. I cannot stress how beneficial this has been. If I need to get something done the kiddos tag along. After a while, it became the new way of the house and there is absolutely nothing that would not get done in our household because of the kids. I mean, a two-year-old is great help when making sushi, right? This is my best example of IDGAF. We are having awesome times, in which my wife's presence is irrelevant. Leading by example.

Ok, so extrapolation from "I don't need her for anything" is "I don't care about sex". That, of course, is a lie. But for me this is the "fake it till you make it" part. It is also major tool for avoiding covert contracts. If there is anything else I want to do or needs to be done, I do that. And as I officially don't care about sex, I have quit porn and masturbation. I know opinions here are biased on this matter but that works for me. I used to be mad at my wife because I was jerking more than I had chances to have sex with her. Suddenly I realized that the solution was simple. Be warned, that if you choose to try it, first weeks are just shitty. It has been hard, and I have failed multiple times in past but the truth is that my game sucks when I release the sexual pressure myself. There is no need to do kino, be playful with my wife or even pass shit tests when I have other outlets. If I don't, well, ...

Now this is the fun part. Like lots of other newbies, I was worried how to pass a shit test and finding out smart lines when my wife was being AWALT. But passing a shit test here and there covers only 5% of the time. Other 95% is the time to display integrity and running my amused mastery is integral part of my game. It is simple: I don't take here seriously, have a smirk at her expense, exaggerate when ever possible and keep things covertly sexual, a.k.a "Is the anything more that needs drilling?". Not being evil or truly jerk at all, but keeping things light-hearted and being on top of it all. Within the last few months I've become rather good at this and we are both enjoying a lot. There are a lot of laughters in our house these days. Also displaying my status overtly, regular shit testing has reduced greatly. Sometimes when I'm minding my own business she comes me and throws a shit test just to see how much I can amplify and to get few laughs. Then she happily walks away. She has also become conditioned to expect sexual references so whenever she hears keywords like "rod", "meat" or "drilling" I can tell her mind is racing. I keep talking like nothing was said. She is turning out be a quite dirty girl.

After a while when I got more confident with my jokes I started to bring all this outside of the house with great success. Using covert sexual references and inside jokes publicly is great fun. The look on people's face when they are not sure what they just heard is priceless. Displaying AM with friends and family present has at least double effect. Late summer we were spending the day at the lake with my family-in-laws. The water was already getting cold, and after a playful banter with Mrs I decided to "punish her" and carried her into the lake with her theatrically objecting. Once I dropped her in the water she planted a deep kiss on my mouth while we were standing in the water fully clothed and her family looking dumbfounded from the dry land.

Ok, I got a little drifted but after "honesty" there are some other early steps I have taken since last June.

  • Lifting. This has been said over and over again. I do Stronglifts 5x5 (there is a nice app!). I got a little contemplate with my lifting after summer but now I am back on track. I was not overweight to begin with, but I was definitely out of shape - and still am. But the most important part of lifting is that by leaving the house for the gym several times a week I am doing something or myself, already passing several shit tests and displaying OI. Also by handling the logistics to make the required time I am leading my family. I recently hit the plateau and could not add weights for a while. I added more core work, yoga and stretching and now the weights are going up again. I used to do some P90X so namely I do Abripper X, Yoga X and Stretch X in days between the gym. I also added some time to do warm up and reduced additional exercises besides 5x5 program.

  • Communications. This is the core of leading my family. When ever I schedule myself an event, I make an entry into a family calendar and note it to my wife. If there is a conflict, it gets solved well before it comes an issue. I ask my family for their needs and wants, including the kids. The two-year-old can barely talk but he has a say when I plan the menu for the week.

  • Hygiene. I shower now twice a day, every day. After a gym or in the evenings, I wash throughly using soap, facescrub, shampoo and conditioner. Then I blow dry my hair, soften my hands with salt scrub and lotion. In the morning I take a cold shower. Again, blow dry and I use comb and wax to make my hair. No bad hair days anymore, even on sunday mornings.
    I know it is a trick, but I find cold showers empowering. The broscience behind it is that exposure to ice cold water fills body with stress hormones rapidly and one's receptors get used to them thus increasing tolerance for stress in general. Also, my body gets primed for the day. Seems to work. Crank the temperature to extreme low, jump in and let the water flow. When the pain comes, breathe.
    I use only electric tooth brush and floss every night.

  • Looks. I was your regular career dad, not a bad dresser but I often wore what was available. One day I got all my clothes out and picked out everything that I did not like or did not want to wear, and sold them online, donated to charity or just threw away. Now suddenly, I had only nice clothes in my drawer and closets. After my clothes come back from the laundry I iron everything expect underwear and gym clothes. It takes 45 seconds to iron a T-shirt, and it looks very different and keeps it's shape for much longer. Now I have my clothes neatly organized and ready to use all the time. When I open my closet in the morning I can choose what I want to wear that day from all the clothes I own.
    There is no downgrading of clothes. When a nice T-shirt seems worn, it does not magically become homewear. I also bought proper clothing for handy works so I don't need to paint walls in old sweat pants.

I bought a membership to a local barber shop chain. For a flat rate I can go and get myself pampered by nice young ladies as often as I want. I go get my hair cut and trimmed twice a month.

TLDR: The most important outcome of all this has been that I am happier than I have been in a long time. I keep failing all the time, and nothing is a as bed of roses as above wall of text may imply, but now instead of going angry or depressed I move on and keep doing the best I can. Once I realized the anger is because of my own failures and short comings it has been easier to handle. Hard no's and rejection still make me sometimes angry and that is an indicator that I am still partly in her frame. Refusing to cuddle after being turned down may seem as butt-hurt, but more and more often I find myself singing in the shower afterwards.

My family is mine to lead, and my kids come to me for guidance and my wife for decisions. I end this with a small humblebrag;
During Christmas we were visiting family and were driving quite a lot. And as you can imagine, with two small kids and snowy roads the schedule was beginning to fall apart. My wife asked me:

  • "As a head of a family, what do suggest we do next?"
  • "We should leave now, skip the next place and give them a call from the car. Then we should be well on time to make it to the final destination so the kids can mingle with grand parents before it is time for bed. How does that sound to you as my deputy? (smirk)"
  • "I don't want to be your deputy. I like you to draw the big picture. I can be a brand manager and choose the Christmas cards and make sure the kids look tidy. Your plan sounds good, though."
    And the wagon was moving again.

I hope other newbies find hope in the dark here. It might not be as faraway as it seems. I encourage you to post here or askMRP.
For others, I would thank you for holding the mirror up to me.
HOOMP