Reading a couple recent posts by BPP got me thinking about what it was from this forum that helped me get on a better track. Some of my worst BP qualities were are a thirst for validation, a social clumsiness that is one small step above Aspergers, and a tendency to over-analyze everything to the point of inaction. My last month before swallowing the pill was a journey in emotional lows, passive aggressive lashing out, and beta-behavior that I'm still digging out from. Somewhere between my wife saying "you're acting just like your mother", and me bawling my eyes out in the basement, I hit rock bottom.

And the thing is, I'd read Rollo and browsed the TRP forums -- and laughed at the misogynists that posted there. I would read 2XC, and visit DB, trying to figure out how to fix my problems from the other side or with others in my shoes. And they were all saying the same BP fantasies that I'd been fed for years. It literally was coming to MRP that opened my eyes. This wasn't a group of kids trying to get laid or knee-jerk womyn bashing, but nice guys like me who were waking up to certain truths (that weren't so self-evident at the time).

Vocabulary

The first thing that MRP gave me was something to measure my life against, the vocabulary to express and understand the problems in my marriage (but more importantly, in my head), and a set of tools for addressing them. My first read of NMMNG was a period of denial, but I soon identified with MMSLP, and WISNIFG brought certain lessons home to me.

For the first time, I could see how some of my "good" behaviors had killed my wife's attraction for me, and how others that she once "protested" were actually things that drew her to me. I had blindly accepted the social norms and Disney fantasies that I'd been taught about compromise, equality, and pedestals. And while I managed lots of elements of our life (finances, family, shopping), there were other things that I neglected (leadership, leadership, and leadership). For 20+ years, I'd expected her to act as my wife, my maid, and my mother in turns -- and resented her when she didn't.

And I learned the language of masculinity and self-actualization, but also found labels for the short-comings that I'd struggled with but never could express: "validation", "co-dependency", "covert contracts". Identifying these behaviors and how I'd come to accept them as normal, I was finally able to start addressing them in a constructive manner. I embraced the idea of a MAP -- instead of chipping away at the problem by negotiating for sex (I once tried to trade cleaning the toilet for a blow job) or passive aggressive mind games, I started back at ground dread level zero.

My MAP has been focused on improving myself and my life in specific ways: lifting, dieting, decluttering, and building frame. I consider myself lucky, because my marriage is strong overall and my wife complements my strengths very well. The biggest problem I had was lack of leadership and ownership, but I now had some strategies for improvement. I also identified my constant thirst for validation, and nearly 12 months in, this still remains my biggest weakness. Hell, for the longest time, I was still doing all of this improvement shit for her -- I would alternate between images of her and Chad, and plotting how to fix our sex life -- as fuel for my lifting and cardio. That was a tough demon to kill.

Finally, Dread taught me two things: first, that while I was never socially aware, that lots of the small details I neglected were not only under my control but mattered hugely to my SMV. Second, my wife had been trying to nudge me on these things for years, but never pushed or finally gave up on to avoid my predictable reaction. I celebrated losing nearly 50 pounds in 3 months by shopping for myself instead of just sending my wife to pick up some pants, or ordering clever T-shirts online. I tried on a dozen pair of jeans, I studied fit, and I read lots of articles on men's fashion. I went into Gap and Urban Outfitters, only to find out I was still way too fat for modern fit clothes marketed to guys half my age. sigh back to the Iron Temple.

Calibration

The second thing that MRP teaches is how to balance the competing voices in your head. Ironically, when you read the cacophony of responses to the newbies on AskMRP, you might wonder how anyone can find anything constructive to their situation. But among the shouts of "faggot" and "AWALT", there are nuggets of valuable insight and lots of tough love.

So when we tell guys to STFU, it's not surprising that some of them might confuse that with "sitting like a lump" while she vents or cries. When we tell them to build frame, but not to DEER, these "nice guys" go rambo and start throwing boundaries and making demands that must appear to their wives like a psychotic break. And when we talk about LMR and OI, these guys -- who think that 3 months of lifting or a friendly smile from the waitress mean that their wife should suddenly forget years of chump -- still resent the starfish sex they get, so they jump up and stomp away in a "completely not butt-hurt way".

Look, I've embraced the fact that I'm never gonna be one of those "hawt" guys with spiky hair, "bad boys" with ink, or sharp-dressed player, but I can be the most attractive and fit white-collar professional in the room. I'm not good with my my hands or managing people, but I am willing to roll up my sleeves, fix what's broken, and get shit done.

And to many of the hardcore folks here, I come across as an apologist, especially given my username. But for as much as we talk AWALT, not all women are the same. There are narcissists, codependents, ice queens, and just plain bitches, but there are quality women out there as well. The same advice does not work for all relationships or all people, and even then, your journey of self-improvement will be an uphill battle against inertia. The fact that she (and everyone else) comfortable with beta you, means that there are always plenty of crabs trying to pull you down.

So, when the advice comes in waves... from the beginner, to the intermediate, or the advanced, it's important that the reader takes it with a grain of salt. I've seen several reports over the last few weeks where the OP was given dangerous advice before he could handle it, or that was just a solipsistic RP reading of events. Now, it's up to each man to choose his path, but it's also important that he take it a step at a time. RP provides a number of valuable tools, but like their real-world equivalents, it takes practice to master them.

For this reason, I relish the recent FRs from /u/saint_chalet that demonstrate what frame is, the quality posts on ownership by /u/TheFamilyAlpha, and the harder lessons by /u/man_in_the_world and other long-timers. These guys set the bar by which the rest of us can measure ourselves. Which brings me to...

Peer Group

I know, MRP is not a support group, it's just a bunch of 1s and 0s floating on the Internet. But it is a place for getting advice from people who have been (or currently are) in a similar situation. We acknowledge those who put in the hard work, who have earned their "red chip" for their progress, or lay breadcrumbs for those who are still finding their way.

This is not a safe place by any means. Between the brigading and cross-posts, there are any number of reasons to just STFU and hide your mistakes as guilty secrets. And yet, we have any number of men willing to puke up their blue guts just for the opportunity for feedback and advice. Why is that?

Because we are men. We come from the sandbox, the locker room, or boot camp, where feelings don't mean shit when there's work to be done. We lift iron to get stronger; not because it's easy, but because it's hard, and that's what makes us stronger. We come to throw down, to challenge ourselves in the arena, because we know that the most valuable lessons come from your opponent.

MRP is the mirror we hold up to ourselves, to take the measure of the man. It's how we set the benchmark for what we want to achieve next. Whether thats BF%, lifting 3 plates, killing Oneitis, or slaying strange.

And then there are the stories. The ones from newbies that make us laugh and point, or from old-timers who look back and recall past lessons. It's field reports, play-by-play from last night's shit test, and mundane notes for the latest OWS. But it's also the valuable feedback that they get, from quick pointers to epic dissections (J10, wherefore are thou?), so that others can learn the lessons early. So that MRP becomes a clubhouse of sorts. A place where we can recognize the progress made by former addicts and newly divorced men. Where sharing successes and failures, and putting skin into the game, means that we know each other at a deeper level than just the text we've read and the comments we bookmark.

I find it strange that someone posted recently about mid-life crises, because that's what I thought this was for me. As it turns out, it's not a crisis at all, but a threshold to be crossed. I wish I'd seen the code in the Matrix long ago, when I was a younger man, but I will take my life (and my improvements) a day at a time. Thanks to MRP, I now have a lens to examine my life, the tools to make necessary improvements, and the will to take responsibility for my mind and my actions, while I continue to carry on with my mission.