Fucked up last night, not sure exactly how and not sure how it should have been handled. The longer I go more specific and complex things get, or seem to.

What I am tired of is this predictable pattern. Her nearly unmovable sex schedule and attitudes about it, the hard nos, then withdrawal, time, affection, and presence. Then the schedule comes around (Sunday and Thursday). The cycle repeats in between those days. She claims all her libido gets used up, but admits to getting turned on when I touch her. Also told me last week that she missed the 10 second kiss I was doing. i had stopped 3 weeks ago because i was getting stiff armed. SO fuck it. Apparently she missed it. Though you'd never know. She turns her head away again when ever I try or counts down with her fingers while kissing. I am giving it one more day before I say fuck it and stop completely.

I don’t know how much to believe. She has a long history of lying to me about her sexuality after we had kids. Her actions and words are always different. She is extremely good at controlling her emotions and physical reactions.

Wife comes home (this is one of two finals for her license test) 10:30pm. She was in an upbeat mood having done well her phase 1 tests. She wanted to chatter away, talk about her class mates (she loves gossip), and run out together fill her car up with gas, get coffee so she could continue to study. In her words spend time with me.

This was not something I wanted to do. It was 10:30. I have to hit the rack in about an hour. my suggestion was for me to go fill her car, get her coffee that way she’d be settled down, started eating her dinner. In my mind I could have had it done faster. I could have completed the task in 10 minutes. To the second. I’ve done it.

This was unacceptable. I was even accused of not listening to her as she talked about her evening. What I didn’t do was hang on her every word with rapt attention and ride the emotional party bus, like it was the only thing going on. I was packing my gym bag, and making sure wallet, keys, and phone were in my briefcase so I can get up and walk out the door at 4:30am.

She asked me how the night was. I told her and nearly every obstacle I had that night (from the kids acting like butt heads, to something else) was an excuse for her to say “oh…that’s why you are in a bad mood.” As a point of information, the night was rough, but I handled it. House clean, laundry done, kids shuttled to baseball and scouts, dishes done, dinners and meals prepped.

There was no mood. I was tired. Long day. Heavy lifting. Undersexed, either she knows this and is deflecting OR I am coming off seriously more butt hurt then I think. She stopped talking, told me when I was in a better mood she'd talk to me. I finished watching the show I was watching, kissed her good night and went to bed.

There is a conversation I haven’t posted about because I was a pussy and know it. Yet it might be important for context here. Last Friday. It was a smallish version fuck me or fuck you. She thought I was leaving her (I don’t know if I am or not what I do know is that she is replaceable). Again she was upbeat having done well during a practical but wondered I wasn’t joining her in the emotion. It lead to a discussion about our sex life. She knows I am unsatisfied with it. I haven’t posted it because I know I didn’t do well. I wasn’t ready for this talk, but it happened. I said maybe 15 words. Passed a comfort test that happened (“I feel like I am not enough for you…our sex drives are incompatible), still sex that night was a little more then duty.