Marriage is like the Prisoner's Dilemma game. Each player has a nice card and a mean card. The best strategy that has been developed over millions of computer simulations is to ALWAYS play your "nice" card first, then respond tit for tat. That is, you play your nice card, she plays her mean card. Then the next card you play is your mean card. You KEEP PLAYING your mean card until she plays her nice card. THEN you play your nice card so long as she continues playing her nice card. Tit-for-Tat.

How does this look in a marriage? All of us have a "Nice Card" and a "Mean Card" because of this unbreakable rule:

MEN CONTROL COMMITMENT, WOMEN CONTROL SEXUAL ACCESS.

Husband Nice: Masculine, affirming presence with your time and attention.

Husband Mean: Ignore, remove affection, time, and attention.

Wife Nice: Sexy time

Wife Mean: Hard Sexual Denial

Based on the Prisoner's Dilemma and some basic Psychology, I advocate withholding affection for sexual denials beginning at Dread Level 4. This is a very basic operant conditioning technique. By providing clear consequences to behavior (withholding sex and giving a "Hard No") you work over time to change that behavior.

However there are a few clarifications because this concept of withholding affection for sexual denials is taken WAY to literally by WAY to many people.

First, this is supposed to be built up slowly over months and the connection in her mind- and yours- between withholding sex and you nope-ing the fuck out of there is NOT supposed to be a direct link. It is simply that you have better things to do than to put up with a screechtard blue baller who is not attracted to you.

This is why Level 3- GET BUSY COMES FIRST! You have to build a fun, exciting life with lots of options and to GET BUSY BEFORE you start on Level 4- BEGIN CONDITIONING YOUR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL AVAILABILITY TO YOUR WIFE WITH HER (SEXUAL) AVAILABILITY TO YOU. If you don't lay the groundwork first, then she will see this (correctly) as you being a butthurt little boy denied his candy.

Withholding emotional and physical validation IS AN EXTREME STEP AND SHOULD ONLY BE TAKEN FOR EXTREME REASONS.

There are several key words in THE Level 4 directions: First is the word BEGIN. "Begin" means.....Start. It doesn't mean get busy (Level 3) and then move to Level 4 where you suddenly turn into a total dick- suck my dick every day or I will ignore you and have nothing to do with you, bitch.

If you are on the once a month or twice a month plan then initiate one night. If turned down, play it cool. Don't be an asshole! Take a middle road path. Simply turn down the ardor a bit. Take longer to answer her calls. Leave for your martial arts club without kissing her goodbye. Cut back a bit on your displays of affection. Remain the rock. Remain strong and fatherly but no more Disney Princess Twu Wuv bullshit.

Notice I don't say ignore her completely! Simply dial it back. If turned down again when you have been affirming and upbeat for a while then do it again- this time with a bit more withdrawing. Perhaps you leave for a time and "accidently" leave you phone at home. Perhaps you don't take your phone to work the next day and you don't call or text her during the day.

The point is BEGIN to disengage. DO NOT BE SCHIZOPHRENIC AND SUDDENLY DISENGAGE COMPLETELY. Do it slowly and increase the pressure (by decreasing the time/attention/affection) over weeks, NOT days. Build the connection in your mind and hers that there are consequences to her being in control of your sexuality and denying you. Just don't do it all at once!

Second, "sexual availability" does NOT mean she is DTF 24/7 every day of the week. There are times when your wife is NOT available to you but this is not always a "Hard Denial."

For example, I have a tacit agreement with my wife that I will not initiate sex every day. She has always maintained that she enjoys it much more when we wait a day, building up tension and so on. Since I am in my late 40's, I have to agree with her. So I initiate just about every other day. She is receptive and only rarely turns me down on that day- and almost always with something along the lines of "I am tired, darling. Let's do this tomorrow so I can get into it."

My response? A paternal kiss on the forehead and THEN I act as if nothing has happened. I remain upbeat, affirming, warm, affectionate, strong, etc before leaving the room to do my own thing). Why do i do this? BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL DENIAL. THIS IS PERHAPS A SEXUAL DEFLECTION, OR SEXUAL DELAY. IT IS NOT A HARD "NO" HOWEVER.

YOU WANT this level of communication (SHH, don't tell TBP) with your wife. In fact, you WANT the level of communication where you communicate your intent with your eyes and she responds nonverbally. I can't tell you the number of times my wife has seen me give her a smoldering look and she responds by closing the distance, settling into my arms, kissing me and saying: "Tomorrow." A couple times I managed to say it along with her because I already knew the answer. THAT is Red Pill communication fellows. Direct, to the point, and no or few words necessary.

Even Daniel rose of The Sex God Method recommends this course of action for this type of "denial." He suggest giving her an Agree and Amplify and something along the lines of: "Oh my baby is sore from all that pounding last night. Don't worry dear, we can wait another day and let you heal."

So let us be clear:

  1. I think you withhold affection for hard sexual denials and ONLY for sexual denials. She controls sex, you control commitment. If she plays her "mean" card, then you are forced to play your "mean" card.

  2. I do not think you withhold affection for Starfish sex. A woman can respond to your advances by submitting to them but the only way to truly get her to like it is to be a high value man yourself and that has nothing to do with changing her behavior. Thus operant conditioning is useless for the Starfish. You can get compliance from your wife, but if you want to get her hot and dripping, that is entirely on you. Be attractive. Don't be unattractive.

  3. I do not think you use this tactic during shark week or if there is a legitimate reason to deny intimacy. What are you conditioning if your wife is physically unable to have sex with you? What is the purpose of withholding affection for a behavior that cannot be performed at the moment due to illness or infirmity (or a bloody mess)?

  4. I do not think you withhold affection for a single night of "I'm tired, let's make it up tomorrow." As stated above, I do not think this is an actual "sexual denial" most of the time. Of course it may very well be- that is for YOU to decide on your own in the context of your own relationship.

In conclusion: I think you use this ultimate tactic- withholding affection and time for Hard Sexual Denials- in a sparing, measured way. Use your head with this guys- and not the little ones. Define what a "Hard Sexual Denial" means to YOU and YOUR marriage and act accordingly Red Warriors. Be consistent, develop your goals, and gradually work towards them.

Finally what do you do when your wife calls you out on your sudden change in behavior? "Are you going to be mean to me all the time if we don't have sex every day." I think when she brings this behavior into the open it is not out of line to bring it all the way into the open. If you can say very calmly:

"I am not mad, just disappointed and frankly I have better things to do than to hang out with a woman who is not attracted to me."

Then smile grimly and give her a brotherly, passionless kiss and leave the house. Let us know what happens when you get back and for the love of God do NOT react to her whining, bitching and moaning. Just leave and if she tries to keep you from leaving just do broken record- I have better things to do than to hang around here with a woman who is not attracted to me." Note how this works when you really do have better things to do!

TLDR: Actus Non Verba