I'm posting because I see a fairly common problem among people who have swallowed the red pill that I believe is holding them back. That problem is even more important to married individuals because of the fact that if you are married, you aren't simply interested in sex with many women, but are interested in building and maintaining a relationship with one woman and all that entails.

The problem is that too many people that have swallowed the red pill are judgmental pricks.

I will admit that this is something I found wrong with myself and have been diligently working on for the past few months. It has certainly made a difference in the interactions I have with my wife and all people.

I discovered this problem with myself while reading When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. One of the key premises of the book is:

"You have the ultimate right to be the judge of yourself".

Or more specifically:

"You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself."

IMO, this is the key foundation to maintaining frame (which is really what WISNIFG is about). If you and you alone are the ultimate judge of yourself, then it doesn't matter what anybody says about you. YOU get decide if you approve of your actions, thoughts, and emotions.

If you don't give two shits about what anybody says or thinks about you - if you alone are the judge of yourself - then you are a master of maintaining your own frame. No one will be able to suck you into their emotional frame. That is incredibly powerful.

However, what I came to realize is that there is a flip side to that coin: if I and I alone have the ultimate right to judge myself, then I really have little to no right to judge anybody else. More importantly, I came to realize that judging other people hurts them and ultimately myself.

It's obvious why it hurts them: no one really likes being judged, which is why books like WISNIFG even exist. When you judge someone else, you inherently create a negative feeling in them about you. That is not the way to build positive relationships (it certainly isn't a good way to inspire them to want to have sex with you).

Don't misundertand what I am writing here: I'm not saying that you can't have negative emotions about someone. Rather, the bad aspects of being judgmental is in the conveyance of those negative emotions. Specifically, expressing how YOU feel about another person's behavior, thoughts, or emotions is not being judgmental. You are, after all, the ultimate judge of your own emotions. Stating that a person's behavior, thoughts, or emotions are somehow good or bad, however, is being judgmental. Ultimately, the key to avoiding being judgmental is the use of "I" statements. Let me give some examples.

Consider statements that might be used by many of the readers of this subreddit about a lack of sex in the relationship.

First, judgmental statements: When you withhold sex, you are being heartless. You are such a prude. You are so cold. You are selfish with affection. Each of these are judgmental statements. You are passing judgment on the other person. You are (attempting) to violate their right to be the ultimate judge of themselves. Consequently, these statements will create negative feelings. Furthermore, each of these statements can be argued against, and therefore will ultimately be ineffective at producing desired results. The person you are making the statement to can simply offer evidence or a counter-argument for why they are not what you have stated they are. Hence your statement will likely have no effect on inspiring change.

Alternatively, you can make non-judgmental statements: I do not like it when you frequently turn me down for sex. I want more passion in our relationship. I expect you to meet my needs for affection. Because these are non-judgmental statements, they are not as likely to create negative emotions in the recipient. Furthermore, because they are non-judgmental, they really can't be argued against. How can anyone argue against the way you feel or what you want?

Here's some more examples:

Judgmental: You are such a slut for having slept with so many men.

Non-judgmental: I am not comfortable with how many men you have slept with and I'm simply not interested in pursuing this relationship further.

Judgmental: You shouldn't be screaming at the kids like that. It makes you sound like a harpee.

Non-judgmental: I don't like when you scream at the kids like that. I find it unattractive.

Judgmental: You drink too much

Non-judgmental: I don't like how much you drink.

Being non-judgmental is just as powerful, if not more, because you are stating what you want/feel/etc. without passing judgment on the person. Being non-judgmental is assertive. Being judgmental is passive-aggressive. Being non-judgmental doesn't necessarily create negative feelings, while being judgmental usually does. When you are non-judgmental, your statements really can't be argued against. When you are judgmental, your statements can be argued against. Finally, non-judgemental people are inherently sexy and more fun to be around simply because they aren't passing judgment on others.

So, fellas. While you are practicing maintaining frame and not allowing your wives to judge you (keep on fogging!), also practice not judging them. I think you will find that you will feel more comfortable with the interactions in which you are trying to get them to change their behavior (because you are being assertive, rather than passive-aggressive), and those interactions will be more effective.

Good luck!