So pissed off. desperate for advice, Cant take the fights anymore.

zeteomegaleio · 2017-02-03T15:38:47+00:00

Have you ever seen Wargames? You're playing Global Thermonuclear War.

You can't win if you play the game. So stop playing the game, dipshit.

In this case, playing means becoming emotionally invested whatsoever in what she has to say right now. As soon as you get pulled into her frame, you lose. She feeds off the emotional drama you allow (and actually encourage her to do) by your reactions.

You have to detach yourself emotionally from this situation. Step outside of your own mind, emotions, etc. - and STOP "should'ing", as in "she SHOULD be a good wife to me" and "she SHOULD be respectful to me in front of the kids."

The point is to completely not give a shit when she does this. Not as in you are defeated because she is being a harpy cunt - you're still in her frame if that happens. Instead, like the same way as if some crazy, homeless idiot on the street started shouting at you that you're a fucking piece of shit.

Would you react to him? If you would, then you need to get your emotional state under control and stop allowing every single other person to dictate how you feel. If you wouldn't, and instead would internally laugh and brush it off because who gives a shit what that guy thinks, then this is exactly what you need to do to your wife.

This is exactly what frame is. Not letting someone else affect your emotional state. Stop taking this all so seriously.

How do you do that? Walk yourself through your greatest fears about this. What is the worst case scenario? That you get a divorce? Cool, now your bitch wife is only in your life to discuss the kids. Yes, that sucks for the kids, but it would be better than watching her emasculate and demonize their father in front of them.

This is a stoic tactic - visualize your worst case scenario and realize it is really not all that bad. You'd survive. In fact, you'd be better off than you are TODAY. However, there are other, possibly better scenarios as well (such as getting your fucking shit together and get control of your life and family, where your kids still have their father around daily, and maybe even get to see how a good relationship could be), so that doesn't mean go drop divorce papers on her lap today.

When you stop worrying so much about these fears and outcomes that are in the back of your mind, you're going to start building your own frame and withdrawing from hers. And when she can't affect you any longer, then you're going to sit back and just see a child throwing a tantrum. And like a 2 year old that doesn't know any better, you just watch and internally maintain your zen.

And then the 2 year old realizes that throwing hysterical fits has no effect. And instead, when it asks nicely for what it wants and receives it, it becomes trained to not throw fits and instead learns to act like it has some manners.

TLDR: You have to level up your own emotional maturity and stop dealing with the high school drama bullshit. And read the fucking sidebar already.

UEMcGill · 2017-02-03T21:09:10+00:00

You my friend are a proud diligent farmer. You are a farmer of fucks. Your raise, tend and care for a giant field of fucks. Then when someone comes and asks, you say "Sure, here's a fuck. I have many fucks to give!"

Your wife begs you, "Please, please, give me more fucks! When you give me just the right amount of fucks, I may let you worship me! How many fucks is that? I don't know yet. Your fucks haven't proven worth yet.

Your problem, O prosperous farmer of fucks is you have too many fucks to give! So salt the fields of your fucks. Lay waste to thine fields so they be barren of all fucks to be given.

Your wife is a manipulative harpy cunt. She's literally set the hoop so high as to you that you don't even know what the target is! Let me get my HARPY-CUNT-TRANSLATOR2000 running for you:

“you may not say ‘Fuck You’ like i do but when you leave it is saying the same thin.”

TRANSLATION: I can be a bitch and you have to take it.

She said in turn i need to acknowledge that her feelings are hurt and let her know i care about her and want to speak with her. that she matters and her feelings matter.

TRANSLATION: I need to be a crazy bitch and it bothers me when you don't watch me act like a crazy bitch.

“piece of shit, asshole, pathetic, loser, simple minded idiot, dickhead.”

TRANSLATION words of a low quality woman who lacks boundaries

Aren't you the least bit angry she's teaching your kids that it's ok to treat a man this way? You chose a low quality woman, and now that field of fucks has grown in full and she's come to suck you like a giant energy vampire and suck all your fucks away.

You could cure this tomorrow. Easy peasy. Sit her down and ask her, "I have a need for you. Can you meet that need?"

"I don't know, unless you can meet mine or not.."

"No this is simple. Stop the name calling. No more in a fight. None."

"I don't know if I can do that.."

"It's simple. Stop, or divorce. Let me know your decision."

Then walk away. She either says she can or she can't. Her choice. No conditions. If you can live with this, your field of fucks will be barren.

Archwinger · 2017-02-03T17:24:52+00:00

The number one time my wife is most affectionate with me - receptive to touch, kisses, conversation -- is about five minutes after calling me an asshole for something I insisted on doing or not doing, often despite her request or protest.

Having boundaries and acting like a man isn't some game you're playing to win power over her or get some kind of reaction or behavior out of her. It's something you need to do for your own psychological health.

Even if you divorce your wife for being a bitch, you're still going to be pissed on by any future women (assuming you can even manage to attract any), your boss, your co-workers, your friends, random men and women in your life. People piss on loser guys who don't have boundaries or act like men.

First off, stop listening to shit your wife says. Second, stop debating or arguing or discussing bullshit with your wife. This crap should be beneath your notice. Third, continue leaving if your wife continues acting like a child. But SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don't tell her, "I'm a butt-hurt loser, and I'm walking away to send a passive-aggressive message about punishing you for saying mean things to me that hurt my feelings." Just go run an errand or something.

Griever114 · 2017-02-03T15:45:31+00:00

If you are truly taking care of the sidebar, you should be at the point of owning your shit enough that you should be owning up the house regarding your responsibilities. You should also be able to deflect her absolute cunty behavior with AA/AM, fogging, etc.

But you're not.

If you are truly doing all of this, you need to lock down this bullshit now. You are literally allowing this shit to happen and letting her get away with treating you like garbage with half-assed apologies.

You gave her a half assed ultimatum and she walked right through your paper thin threat. Guess what, your frame is absolute shit and she knows it.

Instead of asking us what you need to do, why dont you put on your big boy pants and TELL US what you are going to do with the reading materials presented.

Chump_No_More · 2017-02-03T15:24:20+00:00

'Become Alpha'

I need to write a post on this as it keeps being repeated.

Alpha is a mindset which leads to certain types of behaviors.

You can become an 'Alpha' man with the flip of a switch (That will be the name of the post) you just have to draw a boundary and enforce it.

You know why your girl is like this?

Because you've accepted it, created it, and allowed it.

This is your failure, she's filling the vessel you created.

Just defaulting to beta

Why, because that's the norm? Because that's what you've done up to now??

If you want different results you need a different default.

these 2 posts should help as I'm not going to rewrite them here.

Break the mold: https://thefamilyalpha.com/2016/09/20/break-the-mold/

Stop being a clown: https://thefamilyalpha.com/2016/10/25/stop-being-a-clown/

BrazilRedPill · 2017-02-03T15:57:01+00:00

When she disrespects you in front of the kids, you state your sentence in a firm, short way:

You are disrespecting me in front of the kids. You either stop now or you will only see me again tomorrow!

Don't DEER, don't say anything else. STFU and hold. If she proceeds being disrespectful, you leave the house, go to a bar and then spend the night in a hotel and only go back to your house the next day.

If she is disrespectful in front of the kids again when you return, do the same: You are disrespecting me in front of the kids. You either stop now or you will only see me again tomorrow!. And do again.

If she only applies shit tests on your return, pass them with A&A.

According to lot of authors, your presence and companionship the thing that matters the most to your wife. Remove yourself from her presence when she is being this intolerable bitch in front of the kids.

vorverk · 2017-02-03T16:20:13+00:00

You dont become good at anything over night, let alone being alpha.

there a lot of work to be done

There is your answer. Results won't show over night, just keep going.

470_2_700_nm · 2017-02-03T18:07:44+00:00

trying to keep this as brief as possible

Seen this too often lately. The men you are talking to here aren't stupid. You utter this sentence as some kind of charitable act to keep things short for us. You're trying (for our sake) to keep this [as] brief as possible (to do us a favor). It's clear as day. What this sentence actually means is: "I have things I want to hide. For shame or guilt or laziness I'm going to skip over this part. Please ignore my baggage behind the curtain and continue reading on."

I don't buy it. And i think a lot of your problem stems from thoughts like this. There's no ownership in that statement. You're trying to gloss over your issues rather than facing them head on. You're trying to achieve some kind of progress or value from here without us shitting on you for being worthless. You're trying to take a shortcut. There are no shortcuts. Get to work on the sidebar, it'll start helping you figure yourself and your situation out.

Sepean · 2017-02-03T18:33:52+00:00

Stop listening to her. Stop explaining stuff to her.

i told her that if she disrespects me to the level of using those insults, especially in front of the children, then she will get nothing and i leave.

Don't explain, just leave or do something else.

This drives her CRAZY. at first she didn't know how to respond but now she has said that i am not allowed to leave in a fight

She doesn't make the rules. Don't listen to her.

She said in turn i need to acknowledge that her feelings are hurt and let her know i care about her and want to speak with her. that she matters and her feelings matter. OK, fine, i use this line the next time she gets this way and her attitude doesn't change.

Don't. Listen. To. Her.

Her words do not show you a way towards a better relationship, they are compliance shit test. When you listen to her and does what she asks you fail and she likes you less.

i leave, shit totally escalates when I'm back.

Not a problem if you don't listen to her.

i agree i can make changes (i mean thats why i am on askMRP right) and tell her i am actively working on becoming a better man, husband, father.

Oh, and stop talking to her. Just do it, don't talk about it.

Her response is that she will not change anything until she knows she can be “vulnerable with her feelings with me and not get hurt.”

Utter bullshit. She will change when she is attracted to you, no more no less.

Totally seems one sided to me. Really struggling with this bc i feel like i am totally admonishing myself and having to agree that “you’re right honey, i am a piece of shit asshole loser pathetic creep.”

You don't have to agree to anything. You don't have talk, listen, explain, answer her questions. Just STFU and walk away and do something else. And be happy doing it.

Then i do a number of acts to make her feel loved

She doesn't give a shit. Do what you want to do instead.

her fucking mental checklist of me never fulfilling her expectations is tallied.

This mental checklist is not something that you should be interested in. It is just something she does to control her beta and what are the rewards for being a good little beta? Nothing but disdain and more work.

Stop worrying about her, stop listening to her words, stop arguing with her.

Read this https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3njyag/a_red_pill_man_is_happy/

Lift and lead, bro.

bangorlol · 2017-02-03T16:47:52+00:00

Brother, listen... Stop engaging. When women attack you with emotional diarrhea they're just looking for a reaction to shift the anger and blame to you, as you're the closest one available. At the end of the day, it's literally just your wife saying rude shit at you. You've allowed this to happen by not correcting it properly in the past - and that's okay because you didn't know. But now you do.

From here on our, read the sidebar and lift. Start with NMMNG and WISNIFG and move on from there. In the interim, when she starts flipping out at you, just smile/laugh to let her know through your actions that you're an immovable rock and that her little shitstorm doesn't have the gusto to budge you. Your children need to see what a functional set of parents look like, otherwise they're going to propagate the same bullshit both you and your wife leak from every orifice.

To recap:

Shut the fuck up (STFU)
Smile / Laugh (AM)
Change the subject to logistics or food (women fucking love food) (Fogging)
Move on (Lead)

[deleted] · 2017-02-03T21:04:49+00:00

“piece of shit, asshole, pathetic, loser, simple minded idiot, dickhead.”

Hmm.. Dickheads change bank accounts and ghost.

now she has said that i am not allowed to leave in a fight.

Mommy? Can I have a cookie?

You want to change anything?

Take the kids, and ghost her.

Leave her a note saying " Babe, Went on vacation with kids. See ya when we get back"

....

ok don't do that... but listen to the guys with kids and do something similar

renupachi · 2017-02-03T16:17:56+00:00

Youre wastin everyones time, including yours.

Wait until you can get past impotent rage, then get to work

abdada · 2017-02-03T15:09:31+00:00

You should read the entire damned sidebar, keep lifting, and stay on your diet cut.

Thrice-Locked · 2017-02-03T16:51:55+00:00

It's all your fault. All of it. I know that sucks, but it's true. You're being to lazy. You're not lifting enough. You're not reading enough. Your not internalizing enough. You should always be busy. Stop watching TV. Stop playing games. Put your fucking phone down. You are the smartest, strongest and most capable person in the family. It's a fucking fact. Stop letting life happen to you and start owning your shit. mRP is about YOU. Why? Because it's the only thing you have full control over. Take your anger out on the weights. Stop being lazy and own ALL of your shit. Love your kids, tolerate your wife while you get Your shit together. Become the prize and you will have frame.

[deleted] · 2017-02-03T16:55:23+00:00

You need to read WISNIFG to learn about dealing with criticism

hypergamous · 2017-02-03T18:51:21+00:00

Question: Why did you pick her and commit to marriage and children?

I understand that you are in the middle of the storm, but I often wonder what it is that makes men pick these types of situations. There must have been red flags earlier about fighting and disrespect.

rocknrollchuck · 2017-02-03T19:14:14+00:00

How To Build Boundaries During Your Transition

Still my favorite post to address this particular problem.

Also: finish reading the sidebar, things will make much more sense when you're done.

PBRistasty · 2017-02-03T20:36:14+00:00

STFU!!!!! Thats step.1

Step 2 dont engage period.

You stated a boundry, you followed through with consequences.. Then you completely fell apart. Why the Fuck would you apologize to her At all, when you returned?

All you did was fall right back.into her frame the moment you stepped through the door.

Who cares if your actions hurt her feels? Her feels are the same as childs..oh, wait, if you had actually internalized the sidebar instead of simply read it you would know your married to the oldest child in the house.

When she ramps it up again respond as you would one of your children.

lvanl4 · 2017-02-03T21:31:02+00:00

When you leave, don't return until you know the situation will be optimal for you to handle the way you want too (usually an apology from her)

trp_dude · 2017-02-04T23:07:51+00:00

beta bullshit buying flowers and writing her a nice card about how great she is as a mother and wife and person and that i will work on managing my life better to give her ‘the husband she deserves’

You're pathetic.

STFU, leave the house, and lift. After 6 months of doing that, when you're at 10% body fat, come back here.

alpha_as_chiwawa · 2017-02-07T15:50:43+00:00

How does one end up like you? I really only saw it once, in the USA no less... I was camping there and there was a family tenting nearby.

It was incredible. Her first words in the morning and last in the evening were along the lines "you piece of shit, you waste of time". All day long.

Unprovoked, at all. Dude was having a breakfast, she comes out of tent, "you piece of shit, you xyz". In front of the kids and everyone else.

You know what was the most fucked up? His son. Somehow, the daughter had the same attitude towards the brother. He was shit who did no good. Same as dad.

I can't imagine how you ended up there, I really cant. Somewhere along the lines it happened for the first time, and you let it go. It happened for the second time, you did nothing. Now it's happening constantly.

Just fucking stop it. Noone, and I mean noone, has the right to treat you like that. If it happens again, stand up and calmly say you are not to be addressed like that. If you are, just go. Wherever, in a motel for a few days with your mobile off. you are the only one who can set the boundary. do it.

bogeyd6 · 2017-02-04T18:57:27+00:00

I will give you the same advice I will give anyone who is stuck firmly in his wife's frame of social interactions. Remove yourself. It's that simple. You have to get out and work on you and if she is that much of a burden then she needs to be removed for awhile. I mean shit, you've been in it this long, whats the worse that can happen? Your dream of divorce comes true.

Title	So pissed off. desperate for advice, Cant take the fights anymore.
Author	NONO226
Upvotes	15
Comments	77
Date	February 3, 2017 3:08 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5ruelu/so_pissed_off_desperate_for_advice_cant_take_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/so-pissed-off-desperate-for-advice-cant-take-the.206557 https://theredarchive.com/post/206557