Chapter 5: Admire Him; Admire His Manliness

Welcome RPW. I’m having so much fun reviewing this book. I hope we are all enjoying our relationships. If you want to catch up with us we are reading Fascinating Womanhood. We will review one chapter a week. I find that I digest “self help books” easier if I really try to take my time, read the content, and often reread it. I will be making weekly posts, and I encourage you to join the discussion, especially if we have assignments that we care share. We just got started so please, join us.

If you missed last week’s post you can find it here Feel free to comment about your assignments from last week if you have anything to add.

Appreciation vs Admiration

”You appreciate a man for his true worth, and what he does for you, whereas you admire him for his manliness. Deep in his heart every man longs for admiration or his manliness-his masculine skill, abilities, achievements, ideas, dreams, and manly body. He hungers for it as for bread. Just as you need love, he needs admiration. In fact, the center of a woman’s happiness in marriage is to be loved—but the center of a man’s is to be admired.”

This is a major difference between men and women, and the importance cannot be overstated. Moreover, this is something than a man cannot earn, it must be given. If you consider the man you are in an intimate relationship with, you can see how much opportunity you have to notice and appreciate the things that others in a more formal acquaintance with your Captain may never get to see. You should also consider, that out and about in the real world, most men receive very little admiration.

The need for admiration is always present, from boyhood, to young adulthood in the beginning of a man’s career, through all of adulthood. I remember that “Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood” spent a lot more time making the connection that these principles can be applied to male children as well, it’s not always about intimate relationships. I know that Men’s Rights advocates could have a lot to says about how masculinity and boyhood behavior are punished and suppressed even in early childhood. I do believe that both femininity and masculinity are under attack in our modern culture. Providing admiration and respect to your worthy partner can really make you stand out.

Focus on Masculine Qualities

Everyone likes to be appreciated for being intelligent, kind, or attractive, but men want to be admired for being Masculine So please, focus on things to admire that are not gender neutral. These include:

His Masculine Body-This is where you can admire his strength, endurance, physical abilities, participation in sports. You can admire his broad shoulders, heavy jaw, full beards, “anything that distinguishes him as part of the male sex”

Masculine Skills and Abilities- Mechanical Skills, Handiness, or a field of work that men engage in.

Masculine Achievements- Athletic achievements, corporate advancement, honors for community contributions or other recognition or achievement of a masculine nature.

Masculine Goals and Dreams- This can encompass things that have not yet been achieved, but are interests or goals that are being pursued.

Masculine Traits of Character- Character traits that are considered to be masculine such as assertive, competitive, practical, fair, steady, protective, logical, ambitious.

The Masculine Role- How he provides, protects, and leads his family.

I’d like to tell you that I spent some time looking for a resource or a list of masculine things to admire. Between the manosphere and politically correct blog posts about the difference between men and women I kept coming up short. Last year when I read “Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood” Making a list of masculine adjectives that described my Captain was one of my favorite activities and I’ve ended up just taking a screenshot of that page of the book. So here is a list of Masculine Virtues and Part 2

Discovering Things to Admire

Think about him- This one is just as it sounds, spend time thinking about him and recent or past interactions. Think about the man that he is and the efforts of his accomplishments

Observe him- Keep your eyes open, and your heart, and your mind, and try to notice things you’ve overlooked before.

Listen to him talk This is your greatest opportunity. You are in a unique position to know the true heart and soul of your Captain. Listen to him talk about his work, his struggles, his ambitions, the things he’s overcome, the steadfastness of his character. You can find much to admire when he opens up to you.

How to Listen to a Man

"Do not only listen to what he is saying, but to the man who is saying it."

Follow the conversation, but do it as an observer. Don’t sit at the edge of your seat waiting for your turn to talk. Ask leading questions to promote his sharing of his ideas and thoughts about the topic at hand. This doesn’t have to be every conversation!! But it’s a good exercise, especially if you can get him going on something he is passionate about. I find that this would be easy to do over dinner. Sharing dinner at the end of the day is one of my favorite ways to spend time with my Captain. I oftentimes let him lead the conversation and it’s never a dull moment.

Example: Alice and Jim

"…She listens only casually to what Jim is saying but nevertheless finds a great deal to admire. What is it? Not his appearance because he is just an average-looking man; not his language, for hers is as good as his; and not his ideas for they are quite ordinary."

"…She sees loyalty, courage, and idealism. Here is a man whose heart rinds true to his ideals, to what he believes fair and square. Whether she agrees with him or not doesn’t matter. She sits there and admires, not his words, not his ideas, but his manliness. His fervent enthusiasm which might irritate others who do not agree with him, is regarded by her as another expression of the steadfast champion that he is. So long as she can watch the rapt animation of his countenance, and the unfolding of his admirable character, she asks nothing else."

How to Express Admiration

Be Sincere: Admiration is so important, but being false or fake is a big mistake. Admiration might be something that you have to cultivate. I'm reminded here of when I was in college and worked at a department store. I was being trained to make connections with customers, by complimenting their style, complimenting whatever they were looking at, complimenting something they were wearing, or an accessory. The entire thing felt very fake to me and I was resistant. After all, complimenting a stranger in this way was something that I would not authentically do. I worked at that department store for so many hours (and so many years) that I eventually did practice, on people I felt the most safe with. The people with the most obvious loudest accessories or colorful styles that would be easy to comment on. But I eventually could do this for anyone, very naturally. And it wasn't fake anymore. I was trying to make them feel good. I still do this to people even though I don't work at that store or sell clothes anymore. If admiration doesn't feel sincere to you, start to practice. Start with the obvious easy choices. You don't have to list off everything you admire about your Captain by next week, but start to practice and develop this skill over your lifetime together.

Be Specific: You can start with a generality, but you need to be able to answer follow up questions. If you have been spending time thinking, observing, and listening, find an example of something to admire about him and when the time is right, admire him for it. This way, if he asks you "how" or "why" you can delight him with a more detailed reason.

Tell Him Whether by saying it out loud or writing it in a sweet card or note. Don't be like the testimonial who said "I have always accepted and admired my husband but never told him so, partly because I admired him so much thought he must know it."

Rules for Admiration

  1. Accept him at face value
  2. Think about him
  3. Observe him
  4. Listen to him talk
  5. Express admiration in words
  6. Be sincere
  7. Be Specific

Assignment

  1. Write down 10 masculine things you admire about him.
  2. During the evening ask him to write down ten things he likes about you and you'll do the same for him. Read your lists to each other, taking time to explain why you admire these traits. Don't just hand him the list. Observe his reactions and record favorable reactions in your love booklet.
  3. During the coming week, observe him. If you see any masculine qualities, express your admiration.
  4. Listen to him talk. Follow rules as explained.
  5. Read Chapter 6 Make Him Number One