Career driven women making the SAHW leap?

Hammocknapping · 2018-07-15T20:00:26+00:00

Is there more to the story? My husband like a clean home, but isn’t particularly bothered by clutter here and there, so I am having difficulty understanding what led your fiancé to issue this ultimatum.

I would not recommend leaving your job prior to marriage. If your fiancé wants you to leave your job, then he needs to go with you and sign a marriage license tomorrow. What will you do for health insurance? What if he passes away unexpectedly? Is his will set up with you as his sole beneficiary? Does he have a life insurance policy of at least $1 million, where you’re the sole beneficiary? Is your name on the title to the home?

Basically, what protection is he offering you to make your transition out of the workforce safe and secure.

If he is adminent about this transition, I would recommend visiting an attorney immediately. I would discuss a prenuptial agreement that makes it clear that you are stepping out of the workforce at his direction and that you were more than willing to continue working outside of the home. Additionally, I would have a statement in there that acknowledges that in the case of divorce, you do not work in a profession that would allow easy re-entry into the workforce. Therefore, he should agree to 3-5 years of rehabilitative alimony to allow you to regain certification and get caught up ok CE or obtain an addition degree if that is necessary to compete.

Your attorney may have additional suggestions, but prenuptial agreements are a great protective tool for spouses who anticipate they will step out of the workforce early in the union.

You also need to discuss the financial aspect of this decision, as living on one income is always different from having two. Typically, couples have a well thought out transition plan and it is impossible to put an effective one together in a month. Plan emergency meetings with your financial planner, banker, accountant and tax preparation professional.

viper8472 · 2018-07-15T20:29:01+00:00

I loathe to step into a trap here in case this is a trolling post. But just in case,

He sounds controlling. Be alert. Controlling men will fight about anything, is probably not about clutter. they lie their way into making you more dependent, tightening their grip. If you've never been in that situation before, is hard to imagine but it happens all the time. Other things to look out for are whether or not he gets upset when you nurture relationships with friends and family, have male friends, wear immodest clothing etc. If he criticises your taste in music, movies, clothes, friends, he may be a textbook case.

There is nothing wrong with being a SAHW. I can't wait to be one myself. I don't define a woman by her job. But threatening the relationship if you don't quit your dream job to wait on him is a HUGE red flag. My husband would be so proud of me for winning a job like that and he would be happy to get a housekeeper with all that extra money.

GratefulWifeandMama · 2018-07-15T15:13:32+00:00

Well, what do you want to do in your heart of hearts? Quitting your job before marriage/children because your fiancée gave you an ultimatum may not be your best choice. That being said, one of my best friends is a SAHW/SAHM who was a very well paid therapist for many years. She plans to do some work when the kids are in school full time and I fully believe she would never put her family second to her career. Taking the plunge is scary though. It was a tough transition for me to really understand I was giving up advancement in my career. I am happier and healthier for it 8 years later.

I am wondering if your fiancée is feeling threatened in ways other than having a cluttered house? Hiring a house cleaner could be an affordable alternative which could in turn help free up your at-home time. I bet some of the other ladies on here will have better insights for you.

As for being nervous to quit because of your boss, no way lady. Never mind her. Find your conviction and follow it.

WonderfulandValuable · 2018-07-15T16:22:49+00:00

Do you really have less time for the marriage? Or does your Hisband have a problem with your job as such? Many men feel threatened by Counseling especially Marriage Counseling.

Could you switch back to work years later?

Can you both comfortably live on one income?

Do you have a nest egg/saved money/money that is yours alone that would last you until you find a new job if needed?

To me his demands are a big red flag.

Ariel125 · 2018-07-15T16:32:34+00:00

can you get a housekeeper/cleaner to come in once a week and declutter? I'm all for working women taking the domestic jobs off their plates. It just not fair. When men become more successful and consumed in their careers they outsource their tasks as needed (oil changes, lawn mowing, etc). It's all about freeing up mental energy, which everyone has only a finite amount.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-07-16T00:37:00+00:00

I personally find this behavior to be unnattractive. But if you don't then there's other good advise here I suppose.

Hartley7 · 2018-07-15T19:12:21+00:00

Marriage is about compromise. Since you will be the First Mate, your desires are important as well. Perhaps you can set up your own private practice and work part time.

On the other hand, I completely understand why your fiance would like you to quit your job. Nothing is worth more than piece of mind. I don't believe that any career is worth a beautiful marriage.

I am a firm believer in the importance of practice when we want to improve our skills. The more you perform domestic duties, the better you will become at completing them. Attitude is everything though. If you approach housework with resentment in your heart, it will show in your execution of such duties. Put the same drive and effort into housework that you used to complete your education.

I became a SAHW three years ago. We left the city we were living in to buy a home. Commuting would have been very taxing due to distance and expense. My husband and I agreed that I would become a housewife. This choice has revitalized our marriage. Our home is spotless, I have become an excellent cook, and I am much calmer. I am no longer subjected to office politics and the daily grind. My husband takes such pride in being the provider; his masculinity is far more pronounced and now I am more submissive. I have lost so called friends who were feminists. It hurt at the time but now I am glad that I cut those people out of my life.

As much as I trust my husband, I understand that sometimes life does not work out the way we wish. That is why I have savings and investments in my name only. I have also returned to university to complete my BA. Returning to school has been great for my intellectual development. It has also made me a more interesting woman. My husband is very proud of me.

At the end of the day, deciding to depend on your husband is about trust.

lillybets · 2018-07-15T22:25:38+00:00

I am a 30 yo. I just quit my career at the end of May this year to be a SAHW/M. I worked for a fortune 200 in the exact industry I went to school for etc. aka dream job.

My husband highly (very highly) values a clean home, clean folded laundry, dinner ready when he gets home. We also had our first child in December, another huge factor in our decision.

My quitting my career at the time that I did, was similar to what you described happening to you. My husband was tired of dishes in the sink, ordering food because we're both tired, dropped off/ pick up from daycare and it all kind of came to a head one day after dropping off our child (we carpooled because we both worked downtown). He wanted me to quit that day or at least by the end of the week and give my 2 weeks. I didn't agree necessarily but I didn't argue about it. Later after work and he had some time to cool off, I brought his ultimatum back up and we talked a bit more level headed. I spoke how I felt that maybe immediately isn't the right answer along with some of my other personal views on it. I also prefaced that whatever the decided, I would follow through with.We ended up agreeing that I would work for 2 more months, which allowed me to wrap some big projects at work and give them time to find a replacement, plus we could give our daycare advanced notice and not have to pay for time we wouldn't use. We got on the same page by compromising and stuck with our plan and are stronger because of it. It's been tough but it's so much more rewarding on a much deeper level than my career could be.

Tldr; I think it's important to both be on the same page about a big life decision. It doesn't mean it will be easy but you and your SO will side by side instead of against each other as you go through it.

Sorry for formatting, on a mobile.

GiveMeYourCupcakes · 2018-07-15T16:02:15+00:00

Is there something else going on in your relationship that is missing from your post that would lead him to give an ultimatum? Are you unloading all of your stress from work on him? Is the SAHM thing something you have discussed in the past or is this out of the blue?

stacysmom40 · 2018-07-16T02:55:19+00:00

I gave up a career for my spouse and marital happiness.

For context, I made 60 to 80k US depending on bonus. My job was stressful as all get out. I worked with people who were toxic in every sense. I sat at a desk 40+ hours a week.

It was hard to disconnect from that. It was terrifying. I was frightened that I would give it up and we wouldn’t work out and I’d have nothing. I was afraid that relying on him would make me weak and vulnerable.

So far (2 years since I started to stop working - I tapered) it’s been amazing. We both appreciate each other’s contribution.

The key is that I express appreciation for his efforts daily and he does the same.

teaandtalk · 2018-07-16T10:46:20+00:00

>Long story short, he told me to quit my job and be a SAHW by the end of the month or he is calling off the wedding.

Personally, I'd call off the wedding if someone gave me an ultimatum like that.

[deleted] · 2018-07-16T03:24:19+00:00

If you're in private practice, you can do it part-time or provide services via telehealth.

I like to read a blog called Dr. Psychmom - she's got 3 kids and has what I guess is a part time clinical psychology practice. She has a great quote that I like -"you can give your kids 100% of your love, but 75% of your time". :p

I'm not saying her solution is your solution, but it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing.

[deleted] · 2018-07-25T19:26:47+00:00

The other women here have made valuable points in terms of security and safety in your relationship and transition. In the end this has to be a decision you are on board with. I don’t know if your fiancé is open to some wiggle-room, like working part-time, or starting a blog, and/or freelance writing within your field, since you are a valuable member of your community! If you are planning on having children, a great compromise could be that you continue working until you are pregnant, though your post suggests he gave you an ultimatum.

If this is something you want to make the leap for now, just be gentle with yourself. It’s going to take time, effort, some failures and a lot of mindfulness. It’s a huge lifestyle change, and there are going to be a lot of emotions that go with it. I was the corporate climber and breadwinner of my family for the first decade of my relationship. I still work now but am trying to make the mental shift to RPW and pour more of my energy into the home now and it’s not an easy change! You just have to keep focus on the reasons WHY you are making these changes- your marriage is forever and your career will one day be irrelevant.

carrotriver · 2018-09-25T15:59:17+00:00

I know this relationship has since demised...I truly hope one day you can come back to these old posts you have made and see the wonderful advice ladies here gave about watching out for red flags before you try dating again. This was a big one. I would never marry a man who threatened to call off the wedding if I did not quit my dream job. In fact, I would not make myself vulnerable before any man who emotionally blackmailed me with threatening to leave when he didn't get his way. Since we made the decision to pursue a relationship, it is one of the few rules that no one is allowed to threaten to leave. If he threatened to leave me to control my behavior, how could I possibly feel safe making myself vulnerable before him? This man was telling you what kind of man he was for a while and you chose to destroy things you worked for, that mattered a lot to you, hoping it would render his red flags irrelevant. I truly hope you don't arrive at the conclusion this is what RPW is about.

mrssmithhh · 2018-07-17T19:33:47+00:00

Yikes... I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want you to be home more or to be a better housekeeper or to devote more time to the relationship, but he's basically forcing your choice with what appears to be very little consideration of you or your feelings. That sounds like a very rude, militant thing to do, in my opinion. It sounds like a threat. You're a Marriage and Family Therapist - is this healthy, loving behavior on his part?

Title	Career driven women making the SAHW leap?
Author	carrotriver
Upvotes	16
Comments	27
Date	July 15, 2018 2:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/8z28q7/career_driven_women_making_the_sahw_leap/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/career-driven-women-making-the-sahw-leap.208454 https://theredarchive.com/post/208454