How often does your husband help you with housework?

dammit_joyce · 2018-03-20T18:31:49+00:00

I think you need to reset your expectations and just come to see the home as your job. For example, if your household were a company, you would be the “store” manager (overseeing and scheduling day-to-day tasks) while your husband would be a regional manager (overseeing your work, making large financial calls, stepping in when there’s a crisis). This is how my husband and I have come to view our arrangement and it has helped me a lot.

I work remotely full time while caring for our 3 year old and 10 month old. I do this while keeping a clean house, doing the cooking and baking, laundry, and the majority of the grocery shopping. His only responsibility is adding salt to our well.

He works hard at his career to provide a wonderful life for us. I work hard in the home to provide as much comfort as I can for him.

I would suggest trying to find peace with the situation before having children and discussing expectations for who does what once they arrive. It can add to everyday stress tremendously and can cause a lot of resentment on both sides.

Ispreckin · 2018-03-20T00:54:22+00:00

My husband and I have a similar agreement. I do not ask him for help around the house or with the yard except for rare instances where I can't lift something.

The way I see it I can't go help him out when he is at work all day, so why would I ask him to help with my job? We don't have kids and it certainly does not take 8 hours + a commute a day for me to keep the house almost perfect.

That said if we have kid it will be a different story especially if we have multiple kids. If you are pregnant then I understand and maybe try to explain to him why you can't handle it all right now. If you aren't pregnant yet then I don't really see why you would need to ask for help with regular household chores.

proprioceptor · 2018-03-21T01:42:33+00:00

I don't really have any advice, but I appreciate you asking this question. This is something that I've been wondering about in my own marriage, and I feel like I've learned a lot by reading these comments and seeing your conversations. I feel sometimes like there is no way I have enough time. I go to bed at 11, and wake up around 6, and I'm basically working during that entire time. It can be easy to get resentful when I hear my husband sitting in the next room playing video games in the evening, or sleeping in until 11 on weekends. It's also the sort of job that you really recieve no validation for, so it can feel like constant work for very little positive feedback.

I like the advice here saying "make it your job". If you view it like a job outside the home, it can give you a sense of accomplishment and pride like another job would.

Hartley7 · 2018-03-20T01:44:26+00:00

I agree with your husband. Whomever is not working outside the home needs to work within it. If he is earning the income, you need to step up as the housewife. Remember that you are very blessed to be in this position and you need to show appreciation.

I am a housewife. My husband does outdoor chores and he takes out the garbage. He also INSISTS on cleaning up the kitchen after I cook. I don't like that because I believe the domestic sphere is my domain.

Young_Oryx · 2018-03-20T16:59:16+00:00

Hi there! I'm a SAHW too. My husband takes out the trash because I injured myself a few months ago and still can't lift heavy things. Other than that, I do all household chores.

The way I see it, it's only fair. I used to work in the same industry as him, before I quit to stay home, so I know firsthand how exhausting and difficult his job is! It wouldn't be fair of me to expect him to come home and do more work in the house. I also take care of all our errands, cooking, etc.

BlancaBianca · 2018-03-20T14:06:30+00:00

The only time my husband does housework is if I am so ill, I'm bedridden. There's no earthly reason I can't have the laundry (or anything else) in order while he's at work sometimes 12 hr days.

If the ironing or anything else is a bit much for you, maybe you could streamline it, for example choosing clothes for yourself in cuts and materials which do not need ironing so that now you only need to iron his.

saltminus · 2018-03-20T00:00:40+00:00

I’m a SAHM with a toddler and another on the way. Generally, I take care of the housework and he takes care of the income. Sometimes if I need help with something I’ll ask him specifically for help with that thing and he always does. I’ve had some pregnancy complications the past couple months and have needed to do this a lot more than I’m used to. For example, he now carries the laundry hampers to the laundry room for me because I’m not supposed to lift heavy things. He’s just taken it in stride. It’s still my “job,” but I delegate if there’s too much or I physically can’t do certain things. I’d recommend trying to do your part as much as possible, and if your guy just isn’t comfortable helping with the extra, then maybe you can delegate to some hired help, say once a week for an hour or two. It’s a big job, especially when kids come along. For example, if you have a csection, you’re not allowed to lift anything heavier than the baby for 4-6 weeks. So that limits a lot of what you can do. And the kids always come first, so sometimes you’ll have a week where you’re taking care of sick kids and the laundry just doesn’t get done unless he helps or you hire some help. It’s your job, but you’re the boss, and part of the boss’s job is to delegate!

[deleted] · 2018-03-20T11:59:31+00:00

My husband voluntarily helps with some chores (he likes washing dishes for some reason) but I never ask him for help unless it is schleping heavy stuff to the basement, etc.

SSapplejack · 2018-03-21T17:36:53+00:00

My husband knows that when I ask for help it's because I need it. I try not to ask too often and make sure he knows how much I appreciate his help. He will often help me with little things if he has time but he knows he's not obligated to.

timeforstretchpants · 2018-03-20T02:25:20+00:00

We live in a high-rise apartment. I do all the housework, shopping, and cooking (except he occasionally makes his own oatmeal concoction). He takes out the trash.

I don't know if this will change once kids are in the picture. I think he'd be more willing to hire help than learn how to use our appliances

_johnny_j_bravo_ · 2018-03-20T03:12:08+00:00

He thinks you have your set of responsibilities and he has his. That's understandable. It's also incorrect. He is the man. Everything belongs to him and everything is his responsibility. He sees you as a worthy wife to whom he delegates many responsibilities. You should accept that with with grace and dignity.

Where he is missing the point, and which, I hope he would understand if you explained it to him in a calm, impersonal way, is that if his house is not in order, it is HIS house that is not in order. It is not your house that he has given you as his equal. He has the responsibility to maintain it. Thank God he has you to help him, but it is his duty first to maintain his things.

Ultimately, the root is his misunderstanding your relationship is an egalitarian one. He is the captain. It's his ship. All the jobs are ultimately his.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2018-03-20T15:59:43+00:00

I think your husband is right that - all things being equal - if one person is at home and the other is working, the person at home should be managing all the routine household tasks. Now things aren’t always equal - medical issues may arise, pregnancy may mix things up a bit, you may end up with unforeseen obligations like taking care of a relative.

However, I’ve also found that there are certain chores my husband hates, and others that he doesn’t mind so much. My husband wouldn’t do the dishes super willingly, but he’d probably iron his own pants if there was an OK reason (like he needs them this morning, but I have to get ready which takes longer). You might have a bit better luck if you figure out chores your husband prefers more. It sounds like ironing isn’t one of them. Dishes are also something you can do together - “if we work together, we’ll finish faster and have more time for other things tonight...” is always a good excuse.

Title	How often does your husband help you with housework?
Author	19pariI
Upvotes	13
Comments	37
Date	March 19, 2018 10:50 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/85nuwe/how_often_does_your_husband_help_you_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-often-does-your-husband-help-you-with.208568 https://theredarchive.com/post/208568