When he doesn't do what he says he will, when do you just do it yourself?

Red-Curious · 2017-07-24T18:44:29+00:00

"I'll take it to my buddy ... tomorrow." Yay! Except it's been 3 months.

Most men operate on short-term memory. Compartmentalization in our brains forces this. We put something in a box, then don't re-open that box until we've got the freedom to sit and look at all of our boxes and prioritize which one to open next.

In my marriage, what often happens is that my wife will ask me to do something "tomorrow." When tomorrow comes, I'm picking up the kids from daycare, cooking dinner, picking up after the kids' mess, responding to some work e-mails, and then with the last hour or so, my wife and I cuddle up to a TV show or just sit and chat. All of these things need to get done every day, including that relational time between us. Since those are also fairly immediate needs that cannot be put off, when I'm scouring my wall of compartmentalized boxes, the ones falling off the shelf are the ones I'm most likely going to pick up and deal with. The result? I don't get done that "extra thing" she asked me to do. It never even crosses my mind.

What's the solution? When I get off work, if my wife has already picked up the kids and started dinner, and the house is in somewhat acceptable shape, I can start focusing on the other boxes that I might have forgotten about. First in mind is that thing she asked me to do - and I actually have time to remember it. If, however, a ton of stuff is done and I find her putting a TV show on, my natural inclination is to think, "Oh, good, we can skip straight to relaxing time and have more of it! Yay!" It also tells me, "She knows other stuff needs to get done, but if she's cool with skipping it for now to relax, then it must really be fine." Frame issues aside in how I'd handle the situation, the reality is that she's mad that I'm relaxing with her and not doing what she asked, but her actions aren't showing this. Instead, if she goes off to do her own thing for a while, I know that she's not ready for relax time, so I start to process my list of to-dos.

Nagging is like tipping those boxes to the edge of the shelf. One thing at a time here and there isn't really a problem as long as you are confident that all of the other boxes are safely where they should be. But if you see several other boxes about to fall, nudging another one closer to the edge is just going to cause insane stress and backlash.

So, here's a quick rule of thumb:

REMINDERS happen when nothing else pressing needs to be done.
NAGGING happens when a non-pressing issue is forced into being viewed as more important than actual pressing issues.

That said, remember that sometimes, "I NEED A BREAK!!!" is also a very, very pressing need if he is over-worked (not just from his job, but in all areas). From the way you describe it, I doubt he is, but I'm only seeing the things you're listing and not the things he's actually doing.

If the issue is that he's just too passive and not owning his home, he needs to develop some beta traits. The best advice I can give is just to let some things fall apart.

Let the grass grow until you get that fine - then he'll deal with it.
Let some bills go unpaid - let him worry about the late charges.
Your computer needs fixed, so you can't play games with him? Stop using the computer altogether. Go find another hobby for a while. He'll get confused and you just remind him: "The computer's broken. I'm not going to use it until I know that playing on it won't make it worse." Don't nag about it with more demands that make him fix it. Just tell him up-front, "This is what I'm doing."
Your car's breaks? That one you're best just doing yourself - don't compromise your safety because of his laziness. But if it's your car, there's no harm in you taking responsibility for it anyway. My wife handles appointments for her car, I handle them for mine. Why? Because I don't know when her car is making funny noises. I'm rarely in it. I trust her discretion and have delegated that task to her.

I wrote a much longer response in another thread about how to bring out the alpha in a beta man: https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6m4e5d/how_to_bring_out_the_alpha_in_a_beta_man/djz7a41/

[deleted] · 2017-07-24T14:06:31+00:00

I understand your frustration in this insistence and admire your commitment not to nag, but I think letting it play out for weeks at a time works best when it's not a recurring issue. In this situation, it seems your turnaround is simply too long. Without irritation or manipulative goals, I'd suggest you start telling your husband when these things, that he wants to do for his family, need to be done and committing, privately, to doing them yourself after one week.

Life is busy and you seem to understand that there's no reason to tap your foot for him to do something your very capable hands can accomplish, so do it. It needs to be done. You don't want to nag. He doesn't want to be nagged. If he has a problem with this, he'll start responding sooner. If he feels he's doing his share and you can take care of something, but isn't willing to say it, it won't take three weeks.

[deleted] · 2017-07-24T03:31:41+00:00

Has your husband always been like this? Or have things just gradually shifted to this current pattern?

Tell him that you appreciate his help. When you ask for him to do something, just say "if you're not too busy, I'd like your help with x" then, go ahead and make an appointment to fix the issue two or three weeks after you ask him. If he doesn't handle it in that time, just go ahead and handle it yourself.

You could also ask him what his preferred method is (a note on a shared calendar, a reminder on his phone...).

littleeggwyf · 2017-07-24T11:09:27+00:00

We have a whiteboard daily jobs list in the kitchen which is mostly to help me organise chores over the week, but also gives a reminder of longer term to do things and we can write a deadline next to them.

It helped organise things, and he preferred that to reminders in an online calendar or me reminding

I think a joint list is good because it means me putting things on it isn't setting him a job, and I like ticking things off and he likes the sense of having a clean slate when a job is finished.

Sometimes he is too busy and will just say that he hasn't got time, but i just send a txt to check if he has a plan already

g_e_m_anscombe · 2017-07-24T15:45:41+00:00

This is the story of my life. I've taken to waiting a week or two. If there's zero sign he's made any progress, I just do it. If I think he may have taken any steps, then I'll check in with him first. I think it's more important that you let it rest and give him the time to do it. A single inquiry of "hey, I was going to take care of this, wanted to check in first and make sure you don't have plans" followed by actually taking care of it isn't nagging - it's just getting stuff done.

Some of the other women may be overly optimistic. Since I stopped trying to divide stuff evenly, I take about 90% of our collective "stuff to do." But it's healthier for our marriage that I just do what I can (and accept some of it may take longer) than that I even attempt to get him to do his fair share.

winterwheels21 · 2017-07-24T16:54:29+00:00

How old is he?

SigmaAlphaMark · 2017-07-26T04:50:40+00:00

I would love to see this cross posted in r/relationships just to see the general populations' response! This is a conundrum as old as time!

GratefulWifeandMama · 2017-07-25T00:16:04+00:00

Maybe he doesn't really want to do that stuff but feels like he should? Perhaps you could handle them and work through any feelings of resent you may have. I'm not trying to sound bitchy. This is what I have learned to do over the 6 years of my marriage. I like it, and I am way handier than ever. If I need something to be done now I can do it, learn how to do it or save up to hire someone to do it. I know if the washing machine explodes he will be Johnny-on-the-spot and I know that taking care of all of our basic needs and comforts frees him (and ultimately me) to work on more enriching projects.

Title	When he doesn't do what he says he will, when do you just do it yourself?
Author	le_petit_croissant
Upvotes	14
Comments	11
Date	July 24, 2017 3:13 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/6p5ti6/when_he_doesnt_do_what_he_says_he_will_when_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/when-he-doesnt-do-what-he-says-he-will-when-do-you.208841 https://theredarchive.com/post/208841