Here at RPWi, a lot of emphasis is put on cultivating Psychological Femininity, and rightly so. Cultivating a feminine mindset puts you in an ideal state to function smoothly in a traditional/male-led relationship dynamic. But, sometimes your own mind can get in your way. If you have anxiety, relaxing into a truly feminine mindset can feel almost impossible. And by “anxiety,” I mean anxiety disorders, not situation-specific worries or stress (though those can also hinder progress towards a feminine mindset). Camille’s recent re-post about Feminine Sexual Strategy inspired me to open up discussion about femininity and anxiety, and hopefully help any other women struggling with anxiety disorders to move closer towards the light, joyful and supportive ideal. It is easy to understand the benefits of cultivating psychological femininity, but sometimes it’s much harder to put into practice if you’re fighting your brain every step of the way.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, and yes, I have been diagnosed by a professional. My personal struggles with GAD are not as debilitating as some people’s, but it has definitely hampered my progress towards the ideal feminine state of mind. Trust is incredibly difficult for me, and I don’t just mean trust in people. I mean trust that the world isn’t going to fall apart at any moment. My personal baseline level of anxiety is much higher than a normal person; I constantly feel a low level of worry and fear. This is my “normal.” I have a good life, and I am usually happy, but the bliss is always accompanied by a slight feeling of unease.

It is hard for someone who is not anxious to understand this feeling of pervasive, anchor-less anxiety. Imagine for a moment that you have a looming deadline: a final exam, a large project at work - something with high stakes that is important to you. That undercurrent of fear, the hollowness in your stomach, the slight jumpiness, the constant rumination over everything that could go wrong with the project - that is how I feel. About everything. All the time. Other people with anxiety disorders may (and do) feel their anxiety in different ways, but telling an anxious person to just “calm down and go with it” is about as useful as shouting at the wind to stop blowing. It isn’t going to happen, at least not instantly.

As you might imagine, trying to fit all that anxiety into a feminine mindset is hard. It is difficult for me to hand complete faith over to my husband without fear - not because I doubt him, but because I am simply in a constant state of doubt. Some women manifest their anxiety in a desire to control everything. I am not this way; I prefer to hand control over to someone who I feel is better-qualified to direct my life. I think this is a reflection of my Low personal dominance level. I don’t want to be in control, I want to be under control, but I also worry that whoever is in control will lose control. Again, this isn’t an actual reflection of my husband’s ability to lead. I will simply anticipate disaster in most circumstances, especially ones that are of great import to me. No matter how wonderful a track record a person or situation has, I still anticipate its failure. This is completely irrational, and that’s what anxiety disorders are. Unfortunately, you can’t reason away your brain imbalance.

However, it’s utterly irresponsible to simply throw your hands up and say “oh well, this is how I am and everyone has to cater to my neuroses!” This is what SJWs do, and it’s so deplorable. The current trend of wallowing in your own personal failings has just got to stop. If you have an anxiety disorder, it is your responsibility to do what you have to do to make sure you can function in a relationship. You can’t expect your man to just “deal with it.” My husband has accepted that I will never be as naturally calm as a woman without GAD. But he has not accepted my dysfunction. He has insisted that I take steps to mitigate my anxiety, and has offered me his help in doing so. But I still have to take responsibility for myself, or he will leave me. And he would be right to do so.

Again, if you have an anxiety disorder, it’s important that you recognize it, accept it, and then do what you need to do to live and function in a happy relationship. This is your job. Don’t deny your problems, but don’t be lazy either. A woman with anxiety can still achieve psychological femininity, and she should. It will be more difficult, but that’s life.

I’d like to take a moment to talk about anxiety medication and antidepressants. There is a lot of scathing commentary (especially within the RP community) regarding women and psychological medication, and I think quite a lot of it is well-founded. Women are prescribed antidepressants as a first-line quick fix, and this is a bad idea. In my opinion, you should only seek medication when nothing else is working for you. But, if you need it, take it. Don’t feel shame in taking medicine if it’s the only thing that is getting you through the day. My husband and I have decided that the side effects of most antidepressants are not worth the benefits - I, personally, can manage my anxiety with diet, adequate sleep, exercise, structure and positive thinking/activities. But some women just cannot. If you are one of those women, please for the love of God take medicine. Don’t let your pride or pre-conceived notions about psych meds get in the way of your personal growth. You don’t have to take them forever, and they can be the last-ditch effort you may need to boost yourself out of a hole.

I am hoping that this discussion can create a learning space to help women feel empowered (yes, empowered) to actually take control of their mental health. You don’t have to be a victim to anxiety, and you can achieve true femininity with an anxiety disorder. You’re not helpless!

With that out of the way, I’d love to open up the discussion to the community. Have you experienced problems with your own anxiety (situational or disordered) getting in the way of your psychological femininity? Has it negatively impacted your relationship? Has your relationship/SO helped to ease your anxiety, and if so, how? What have been the steps you’ve taken to mitigate your anxiety and move closer to being a “goddess of fun and light”?

Feel free to answer any or all of these questions, or touch on anything else you feel is relevant! I’ll answer my own questions in the comments too :)