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[–]StingrayVC9 points10 points11 points 7 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I really liked the "Receive His Protection" part. Sometimes being RPW means we are forever looking for ways to lighten his load. Something actionable. One of the biggest lessons I learned is that sometimes lightening his load means doing nothing.
By receiving his protection as she described in the post, you are receiving something. Not giving it. But this applies to more than just letting him protect you. It means that sometimes the best thing in the world we can do to help our husbands is nothing at all.
[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I love this perspective. Love it.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
One of the biggest lessons I learned is that sometimes lightening his load means doing nothing
I hate being that girl.. but SO. TRUE. lol
Sunhappy taught me a good lesson the other day about another manifestation of doing nothing which is just to STFU. Not everything needs a 10 hour discussion to hammer it out and get on the same page.
[–]StingrayVC0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well, talking is doing something.
It's really hard to do nothing, but it doesn't add irrelevant things to his plate and/or it allows him to focus on what he needs to focus on and sometimes, that can be really difficult to see.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's a fantastic way to put it. Not every deed requires an equal response - that's a slippery slope into feeling like you're "owed" something.
[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year5 points6 points7 points 7 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I know “empowering” is a BP buzzword, but it’s the only word that describes this article and RPW as a whole, from my perspective. I love the fact that the RPW mindset is constantly asking, “What can I do differently? How can I take responsibility?” It’s not about the blame game. It’s about recognizing the opportunity to take action and make changes and encouraging each other to do so, instead of playing the victim and refusing to examine your own contributions to an unpleasant status quo. It's about empowering us to recognize our own agency and to take action to improve the situation, instead of just pointing fingers and making someone else do it.
End gush.
I like how she reframes a lie. He’s not necessarily keeping things from you out of malice or sneakiness. He’s just choosing not to share because you don’t need to know or, as u/stingrayvc said, he’s protecting you from the bad stuff. He doesn’t need to tell you everything, and just because he’s not telling you something doesn’t mean he’s deliberately misinforming to you.
I also found the autonomy concept compelling. If my SO is working through something, he doesn’t need me monitoring every step. He needs me to trust him, to be his soft place to land as he faces a challenge, to support him in other ways if he asks, and to let him handle it.
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s about recognizing the opportunity to take action and make changes and encouraging each other to do so, instead of playing the victim and refusing to examine your own contributions to an unpleasant status quo.
[–]StingrayVC1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Empowering is a BP buzzword precisely because of the way they use it. You are exactly right, it is empowering to take personal responsibility for these things.
Because we don't live in opposite world.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I thought this article was very interesting because as someone who was (can still be) very controlling, i can understand why men lie sometimes. It is the easier choice at times to just avoid confrontation for the sake of peace. Does that make a man less of a man? I don't think so. What I do find interesting also about this is that it doesn't address that sometimes, men will lie as learned behavior from previous relationships too. Was his ex a total bitch and you aren't? Why are you being penalized for something you've never done? The problem I think with that line of thinking is that you don't realize that MOST behaviors are a product of your past. I think it is important to create a safe environment for those bad habits to break. I know I posted about my he-man cup incident, where my SO was petrified I was going to flip out about a broken cup. He hadn't realized how badly he had been treated before. But now when he breaks shit he isn't waiting for being berated. He knows that to me that isn't important.
So ladies, what do you think about this article?
I think that's a really interesting point about how sometimes, men lie as a result of past relationships. My husband very rarely lies to me but when he does, it's always to protect his pride: like, he doesn't want to admit that he made a mistake at work, or that he screwed up in some minor way. It is always about something that I really don't care about at all. So I've come to the realization that in the past, his mother, and exes, berated him for making dumb mistakes. It's too bad because you know, I can feel when he's lying, even when I don't know what the lie is about. I don't even care about the issue he's lying about, but I hate that feeling of a lie. God knows I have plenty of flaws as a wife. guess all I can do is keep trying to improve and everything will come along.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 7 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Is it weird I read this and thought it also was good advice for dealing with children? Like my mom always had a rule - you can tell me anything, always, anytime. I'll pick you up no questioned asked in the middle of the night and you'll get 24 hours before we talk about whatever it was.
Like, I just knew I could be honest with my mum and she wouldn't blow a gasket if she found out I was at a party with no parents - she would come get me because i felt uncomfortable.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I really respect when parents treat their children that way - I think it actually does encourage them to behave better just because they know that they won't have to lie about their misbehavior. I know for sure I would have had a much better relationship with my parents had they followed this policy - I hid things that weren't even bad just because I was afraid to confront them!
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Right, and you didn't know how they would respond -- OR you knew they would respond by yelling/scolding/dissapointed and you just wanted to talk to them about it because who else do you talk to as a kid?
[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Our mom was the same way. I remember suddenly being faced with a situation that was pretty much worst case scenario, and my mom totally had my back. She trusted that I would learn the lessons I needed to learn (and damn, did I ever) without her nagging or tutting, and she made sure I knew I could turn to her.
The best part? When everything was resolved, I wanted to celebrate with her, and I got to! She had been so supportive, and she knew exactly how deep my relief was.
This is a great perspective, and a great way to put myself in my SO's shoes when considering hypothetical situations like this. Really drives the point home. Thanks, Iris!
It is great advice for parenting! I think it's a great rule to tell your kids you can tell them anything. The important part is once your child tells you something, you don't use it against them! If your child trusts you enough to confide in you, don't betray their trust by bitching at them about it later. I could write a novel about that!
I so agree with this article. It's funny that you posted it now because just this week my dysfunctional mother called to rant about some lies my father told her. It sounds uncaring but I honestly wasn't surprised at all. I lied to her constantly growing up because the cost of telling the truth was so high. She freaks out at everything, rants and raves, and tries to control everything...then acts shocked that her husband lies.
If you want people to tell you the truth you have to be the type of person people feel they can confide in. If you punish people when you don't like the truth they're telling...eventually they'll just tell you what you want to hear.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
I really liked this article, especially the part about privacy. It resonated with me because my mother never gave me any privacy. It taught me to respect others' privacy and boundaries.
I have a friend who insisted on going through her now ex's phone and emails. Her ex was even more manipulative, insisting that my friend download an app that tracked her location at all times. Naturally this caused a lot of problems. They accused each other of cheating many times.
Turns out her ex was cheating. He was trying to meet women through Craigslist (ew!), texting his ex and deleting the messages, and talking to girls on Snapchat. Her ex is a manipulative asshole, but I also wonder if this could have been avoided if my friend wasn't so controlling. I have found that if you try to invade someone's privacy, they will just find better ways to hide information from you.
Once my friend caught her ex cheating she broke up with him and left. Unfortunately now she is sleeping around and hooking up with guys who are already in relationships. She has no problem with being a home wrecker because, in her words, "they were going to cheat anyway." It's sad and I wish I could help.
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[–]StingrayVC9 points10 points11 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
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[–]StingrayVC0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
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[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year5 points6 points7 points (2 children) | Copy Link
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