I honestly can’t remember what any of our arguments have been about. Even sitting here actively trying to recall – it’s just not coming to me. There used to be “a big blowup” once a month or so. Perhaps I was the type to bottle things up until they came exploding out - maybe it was a power struggle, or fear-based? I didn’t want conflict, but somehow I kept finding myself in it. All couples argue, right?

Hours were spent scouring the internet looking for clues as to why it happens, and how to fix it. There’s still a folder on my browser full of articles on communication, active listening, and empathy. For the better part of a year, I was convinced that it was how he was responding to me (invalidation) that was setting me off. If only he could learn how to validate my feelings, everything would be okay.

Learning about communication on the internet can be very confusing. For every article in favor of a technique, there is another rejecting it. I once read this article, which states “One of the most common pitfalls is trying to help ‘solve the problem’.” The light bulb went off, and that sentence looked like the answer to all my problems. I nodded my head while reading the rest, and thought that he just needed to stop trying to fix my problems! In hindsight I see that learning from couples who have low/no conflict in their relationships would have been better. Reading those articles on the internet were validating my negative behaviors and making things worse.

He didn’t want to argue, either. I’ve learned that when I lost my shit, he was thinking “how can I fix this?” He was not actively trying to hurt my feelings, or pick fights. He just wanted a happy girl again. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so. It’s a good thing that he’s thinking of my happiness. I was the instigator in all of our arguments.

The first step to finally overcoming conflict was for me to accept that it was my problem, and not in any way good or acceptable to continue. I started being more aware of when it was coming, and diffusing the situation either before it started, or shortly after. I’ve gotten more confident in my ability to control myself over the last year, and was able to promise him that he’d never see that crazy lady again.

Here’s a list of what has worked for me.

  • Go for a walk, and think about all the things you like about him. Don’t return until you are genuinely smiling and grateful again. Be sure to tell him something before leaving, such as “I’m getting emotional, so I’m going to go walk it off”. Ensure your strong emotions aren’t influencing your tone overmuch.

  • Really think about how you phrase things. If your husband is starting to get defensive, then you’ve worded something badly. This is when you should own your shit and apologize. No ifs or buts added. “Sorry I said ____. I was wrong.” I’ve found this to diffuse the situation and turn the atmosphere into one of love and peace. Do not keep pushing and arguing, or else.

  • If you can’t think of a positive, non-critical way to say something, then don’t say anything at all. Wait a day or two to see if it even matters to you still. (I'm planning to post more on this topic in the future.)

  • Sulking is bad. It’s a cry for attention and not at all cute or attractive. If you need attention that bad, then just ask for it, or go sit in his lap and distract him. :)

  • Hug him often. Women get fearful and insecure when they go extended periods without physical contact. Hug him at least a few times a day and keep the physical connection going.

  • Fill your mouth with water and swish it. I read this posed as a joke, but found it actually works – and it’s hilarious to witness. If you’re ever feeling mad about something obviously stupid, go fill your mouth with water and keep swishing. It will keep you from complaining, and it won’t be long before you’re trying not to laugh over the ridiculousness of it.

  • Don’t complain to him unless you want him to fix it. If you really have to vent and rant about something, give him a heads up. “I just want to rant for a few moments and get this off my chest” works. Get it out, thank him for listening, then get on with your day.

  • If for some reason you are feeling a need to be violent, you are better off expressing that want rather than getting mouthy or physical. I once said "I'm really wanting to hit something" and he went and got us some pillows - we had the most memorable, fun pillow fight ever.

  • If he says something that hurts, remember that men speak more harshly and directly than women do. It’s easy to get overly offended when it’s coming from a person whose opinion you trust and respect. Ask yourself – if it had come from a stranger, would you have been hurt? If the answer is no, then you’re probably just being too sensitive. (Credit to /u/sunhappy_dc) If the answer is yes, then say “ouch” or “that hurt”. You want him to be able to speak freely without being weary of your reaction.