I am 24, engaged, and have been on RPW for two-years-ish. Incorporating RP theory has improved my relationship a lot. But this isn't about me.

My mom (50ish) and I get together and talk about relationships a lot, and how to improve them. I've never outright showed her this sub, but she agrees with the ideas and most of our discussions are very rp friendly.So far I've been trying to tell her whats worked for me, but nothing has stuck. I'm hoping that someone else can offer a perspective or ideas that can apply to her, because I grew up in a wildly different environment and I feel like I can't relate to a lot of the root causes of their problems.

My parents have been married thirty years. They have 4 adult children and everyone gets together several times per week for dinner. We're a very close family. Their sex is pretty much nonexistent, not that I've ever outright asked. They BOTH want a good sex life (and life in general) with each other. They BOTH want to make it work. But, they've been having communication problems forever.

One major root of their problems was their upbringing. I don't know how familiar you are with narcissists, but both my parents have narcissist mothers (I debated posting this to raisedbynarcissists) but my dad was the scapegoat in his family and my mom was the golden child in hers.

Basically this means that my grandmothers' were both very selfish and manipulative, but my mom got all the benefits (whereas her brother was blamed for all problems ) and my dad had a sister who "could do no wrong" and HE was blamed for all the problems.

This means my mom (the sweetest, kindest woman in the world) is very used to getting her way, and can't always internalize other people's perspectives. When the going gets tough, she tends to break down and become passive aggressive. My dad tends to think everyone is out to get him, and he over reacts to every problem, usually explosively (in a strictly verbal way).

That being said, he is one of the most honorable men in the world. He freely gives money to anyone in the family with an idea. Family is the most important thing to him. He is also genius level intelligent with amazing business sense. He started up a wildly successful company with no college education.

Recently in the talks between my mother and I, she used the words 'emotionally abusive' to describe my fathers actions towards her. I tried to avoid talking about that word, because my mom tends to be quite melodramatic. But she recently gave her phone to me when she upgraded, and (by accident, I'm positive) I saw that she has been saving examples of my father's behavior in the 'notes', and I, being a snoop, read them all.

And they are mean. Things like calling her a bitch, saying she's the meanest person in the world right along with both their mothers, etc. It was heartbreaking to read.

The thing is, they both are alcoholics. The kind that start drinking at 8pm every night and drink till they black out. They both would like to change this, but are unable to. Please don't advise me on telling them when/how they should quit. They aren't ready and I can't help them. But I'm pretty sure that 90% of the things my dad says are after they've started drinking. Again, I don't fear physical actions like fighting during that time. Just verbal.

I'm not trying to make my dad the bad guy. They are both responsible for their problems. My mom gives silent treatment, rolls her eyes, and emasculates him when she feels threatened. I'm not always sure that she notices that she's doing it. She thinks she's keeping the peace by not reacting with harsh words, but it enrages my dad because it's manipulative.

Divorce is not an option. This question is why I didn't post to other subs, because I know everyone would blindly shout divorce, but it's not a practical suggestion because they won't do it.

My question, I guess, is what should I do? I want to help. They were very in love once, and they still think they're meant to be together, they just can't open up to each other and it's getting worse. Both of them have told me separately that they are incredibly lonely, and feel like they don't have anyone to talk to. Neither of them have close friends in the area, and do not meet people easily. :(

Therapy would be helpful I think, but unfortunately they have a bad track record (they ended up going to a feminist woman who said it was entirely my dads fault... wtf?), and I don't know how to find an appropriate therapist, but I bet they'd go if they had a good recommendation.

I know this is too heavy for simple internet advice, and I'm half sure that I'm only going to get "butt out let them/a shrink work on it" comments.... but I thought I'd try anyway.

I need a jumping off point. I know it's not actually my responsibility to take care of any of this, but if there's anything I can do, I really want to help. They WANT to work it out. They WANT to have a close relationship with healthy communication. My mom has specifically asked me to help her with this.... I just don't know how to start :/