/u/Lifterofthings wrote this wonderful post about why women should avoid being a plate, and I’ll do my best not to re-tread ground she already covered so well. This really isn’t earth-shattering information, and it may come out as more of a rant than a cohesive post – so please bear with me. The first thing I want to clear up as quickly as possible, is the idea that the term ‘plate’ is somehow synonymous with ‘dating’ or ‘early relationship’ because it’s just not true. If ‘plate’ and ‘dating’ are interchangeable terms, then there’s no reason to use one term over the other. Yet certain parts of reddit love to use the term ‘plate,’ and it’s clearly not meant to imply ‘normal dating.’ ‘Plate’ specifically refers to an open, non-committed dynamic where a person has sex with (and dates) multiple people. Some of those ‘plates’ may drop off, disappear (‘break’) – only to be replaced by new individuals.

Generally speaking, the communities that use the term ‘plate’ also only do so when referring to a man that is seeing and having sex with several women. As a result, people have probably come to assume that only women can be plates. Again, this isn’t true. Men can be plates, women can be plates, yo mama and her china set can be plates. In today’s world of casual dating and muddled courtship – it’s veritable buffet of dinner-ware.

Why does this matter? Well, maybe it doesn’t, it’s just something that has always bothered me. When I see men talking about how well they handle their plates, it generally makes me laugh. After describing an extended romp in the bedroom that falls somewhere between “50 Shades of I Made This Up” and that scene from “Dirty Dancing”, the audience is supposed to fist bump the author for then tossing the woman out the door immediately after they’ve finished. It seems that kicking out a woman, and then having her return for more is a common ‘marker of successful plate handling’ for some reason. But here’s why that narrative doesn’t work, any plate spinner by definition becomes a plate themselves. All those men with a different woman for every night of the week – and there aren’t as many of them as you think – are just adopting a power word to make themselves feel more skilled and successful. If a man is seeing three different women (which is considered to be a decent achievement), then it’s more than safe to say that each of those ‘plated’ women are also seeing multiple men. In most cases women and men are just using each other for sex (which is fine). In fact, the most successful (and natural) plate spinners are women. Acquiring casual sex is not something that requires a whole lot of effort for women, and it’s easy to line up a string of men, and fouette your way down the line if that’s what interests you (not something I would personally recommend or encourage).

When men get sex, and women get sex (and time, and money, etc) - and everyone is using each other - the line between ‘plate’ and ‘spinner’ starts to blur. To be fair, juggling multiple women is an accomplishment for many men, particularly if they are not naturals, and haven’t experienced a tremendous amount of success in that area before. Everyone should identify and pursue their goals. The whole idea behind having plates is that each ‘plate’ knows (either specifically or in a more general sense) that there are other ‘plates’ that get the spinner’s attention/time/affection. It’s a handy-dandy version of insta-dread. The idea being that the plate will put that much more effort into trying to please, satisfy, and earn more time with the spinner. Working the jealousy angle for the sake of creating and maintaining sexual tension is a good move, tried and true.

That said, plate does not mean “I went on 8 dates with a man” or “I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 1 week.” Dating is normal human behavior and a necessary part of the vetting process. On this sub, a plate is a woman that consistently has sex with a man that never gives her commitment - she may or may not at times seek exclusivity (and be denied/have the request brushed off/evaded). This is why we discourage FWBs and 'f-ck buddies' - because really, those dynamics are primed not only to turn women into plates, but also open them (women) up to the idea of 'spinning plates' of their own.

I also want to clarify that if a man tells you he wants to be in a relationship, agrees to be your boyfriend, has sex with you and then dumps you – that doesn’t make you a plate. It makes him a liar, and means that you possibly need to re-examine your vetting process. When a man pledges commitment and exclusivity for the sole purpose of having sex with you so he can then dump you - he’s a special brand of disgusting I don’t yet have a word for. I’ve never actually encountered this scenario, but when a man says “I’m your man, we’re a couple” and then a week later sleeps with someone else – that makes him a cheater, and it does not magically turn you into a plate or a slut. This is why vetting is so important. We want to help women identify and pair with good, LTR and marriage minded men. Furthermore, being a plate is not some mysterious status that women are ‘tricked’ into – it’s something a woman knowingly accepts. It involves no formal commitment, relationship, or exclusivity on the part of the man, and does include frequent sex. Now, there are monogamous plates. Women that are faithful to one man, while he gets to go out and chase every woman that wanders down the street. This is not a dynamic we encourage in this community.

So if you are a woman interested in a long-term relationship and/or marriage – it’s a really good idea to avoid allowing yourself to be plated. We don’t talk about capitalizing on female promiscuity here because even though it may be fun when you are young – it’s not a good long-term strategy and you will experience diminishing returns as you age. We also encourage women to preserve their value by limiting the number of men they sleep with. I think it’s a sound approach and a very worthwhile one. To be clear, having a sordid past doesn’t exclude you from being able to earn a long-term relationship, marriage, or family. This community exists to inform users, offer advice, and promote happy, healthy relationships.