Realize that no one likes/cares about you unless you provide some kind of social-value? How to improve personality without supplicating/being something I'm not?

StopGaming1234 · 2019-04-22T00:07:22+00:00

I have been in your position for several years. I broke down one summer like 6 years ago. Everyone did awesome things on perfect weather days and I was sitting at home every single day stuck on my computer because I had no one.

That's when I decided it was time to change. I started doing all the things that I feared and was socially scared of. I actively initiated talks with strangers. From that point I also never said "No" to any social event if I ever came across one.

Keep in mind the start was a hardcore grind as I knew literally NO ONE and I went to the trashiest social events with like people who drink so much that they pass out every single weekend. I took what I got, gotta start somewhere right?

From that point it only went uphill. The amount of social networking you can do increases exponentially. People know people and those people know other people. You pick out the right ones and decide who you wanna hang out with in the future.

The hardest part was just getting myself out there and actively presenting myself.

Rkingpin · 2019-04-21T23:41:40+00:00

Lift. Strong body commands respect

Develop social awareness even if it hurts. Put yourself out there, even if it means going out solo

Become excellent in your field and network with others who share similar goals

Casd12 · 2019-04-21T23:10:26+00:00

You don't want to change because you don't want to be something you're not?

That type of thinking is ironically the most blue pill concept ever. What it does is it puts you in a mental box preventing you to become who you want to be but also preventing you from being unplugged and taking the red pill. How does society reinforce that mental box? By shaming. They do so by stating you're cringy or fake when one starts to step out of their mental box. Because it's new to the person, they might not know how to act and thus comes off a weird or autistic, cringy, creepy. These are all methods the BP world will use to hold you back. Also using your own logic of "I don't want to pretend to be someone that I'm not" then why do people hit the gym? Why embrace that change?

So please, go be someone that you're not, eventually you'll grow into it. Experience will back you up.

zeekt12 · 2019-04-22T00:27:32+00:00

Become charming and learn to have a magnetic personality. Also maximize your dopamine levels by quitting porn and masturbating, this will make you more engaged in conversations as it becomes one of your only forms of stimulus.

Check out Charism on Command on YouTube, he analyzes celebrities with charming personalities and gives you tips.

Orfeu_da_Conceicao · 2019-04-21T23:47:01+00:00

First develop frame. Don't placate to people's wishes. This is how you convey abundance, dignity and self-worth. Get rid of the victim mentality. Become the best version of yourself. Read the sidebar and learn social circle game. It's a slow process so remember that you're a work in progress and the small things will lead to big things. How to Win Friends & Influence People Will teach you the rest. You have to have a genuine interest in other people's lives or else it won't work.

TheRedPillRipper · 2019-04-22T01:57:33+00:00

what makes people want to be around those types?

Others are attracted to me because I'm interesting. I have interesting hobbies and lead an interesting life. What else interests me? Other humans. Their stories and who they are. Your biggest assets is your time; and your attention. I'm genuinely interested in others which often leads to genuine reciprocation.

I need some sort of value, but I don't have that

This mentality is the issue u/resnine. Value is subjective. If you want to be valued; you have to value yourself enough for others to see it; and be attracted to it. People are wary to walk all over someone who hold's himself in high esteem.

I don't want to change and be something I am not

Change is not only inevitable; it's necessary; for growth. Everyone I know who's successful; are always aiming to grow.

How do you find a balance here? Between being who you are, but also being the type that people want to be around?

Being who you are is fluid. You're not who are yesterday; nor are you the person you'll be tomorrow. What do you do with your free time u/resnine? What hobbies, passions or interests excite you? Your passions are shared. Find those who share them. Have none? Try until you find something you genuinely enjoy. Then share it with others.

Godspeed and good luck!

JiraiyaKun · 2019-04-22T00:08:36+00:00

I think finding a hobby/hobbies you enjoy and become passionate about them. When you are apart of something it creates scenarios for social interactions. Become apart of something bigger than yourself and I believe the rest will follow.

latinasonly · 2019-04-22T00:15:02+00:00

i didnt read your whole post. but the answer to many questions on TRP is :

become someone. become a master in some field that you like , and people will be drawn to you .

Thinkingard · 2019-04-22T00:15:32+00:00

Sounds like you were hanging out with Omegas. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10? How many girls do you approach and bang? You sound like you're an introvert, and unfortunately, the world doesn't give a fuck about introverts. If you aren't extroverted to some degree your social game will suck. Learn how to have conversations with people. Read Day Game if you don't know how. You absolutely have to provide some kind of value that makes it worth it for someone to be your friend, whether it's you paying for things, being funny, having connections, being super smart in some niche, or just have a lot of things in common with someone.

face_north · 2019-04-22T02:45:44+00:00

okay here is my two cents so you better be listening.

You attract people by what you are , not what you want . have heard it countless times right ?

Right now your story is all about you want to attract people. That's a wrong place to start. And yes as you said you can't or don't need to become loud and social overnight but know who you are ? Do you have any passions ? anything you wanted to do ? may be learn dancing, pick up martial-arts , run a marathon ? be it anything ...thats where you start. With yourself.

And as you go about building yourself you will realise 3 things.

1) Its easier to connect with people with similar passion/hobbies .

2) When you tell others that you are learning to play ukulele in your spare time, they wanna know more about you - (and ukulele) . And this makes you interesting, not the other way round (trying to be interesting) .

3) You realise , you are not boring or bland but you never gave yourself a chance.

So in summary : begin with yourself my friend.

CurtyWurty · 2019-04-21T23:21:15+00:00

"very desperate, needy and clingy"-that's your ego talking. "Would pay for everything"-don't be the nice guy anymore. To see if those people really are your friends, keep hanging out with them but don't pay for anything except yourself. People take advantage of people, especially friends because they know the consequences simply aren't going to be as bad, I think most people are guilty of doing this at least once. You simply have to do things that you enjoy doing and meet people through that, whether it be martial arts, sport, gym, seminars, work etc... And there's nothing wrong with initiating the conversation and going to events. Not everyone is like that and that's what TRP makes your realise, a lot of people are faking it til they make it (they never make it). You don't have to be the type of person that people want to hang around, you have to be the type of person that you want to be. Be better than the person you were yesterday. Obviously you already have some ideas of your personality that may be hindering your social activity, so change it. I would recommend you start meditating to break down your ego. Watch some YouTube videos and read more about this topic, good luck.

Irtotallynotrobot · 2019-04-22T01:04:49+00:00

I couldn't imagine going to my grave without being able to play piano pieces from my favorite composers, never running in the Boston Marathon, never completing my travel list, so on etc.

What can you think of that you can't do today? What are the things that you wouldn't care if you ever did? What are the things that you would?

The truth is, almost every friend you make will be among the most entitled people in your life. They'll expect things out of you when they have no right. They'll stab your back in your weakest points. They'll undermine you when you're succeeding and stomp on your head when you're down.

Friends can only be their best when their role is inconsequential to you. You have your own path that you're walking but you could give fuck all about them and their garbage.

Let your friends go. Acquaintences are a currency in the world so make sure to have lots of those. You're on a journey and, at some point, it's going to feel real good to sit down with old buddies and regale them with who you are.

There's a lot to what you're asking. Keep seeking new information and exploring yourself. I can point you in the right direction but there's no handbook on the right buttons to push.

_-resonance-_ · 2019-04-22T01:16:46+00:00

When a person lets others “use them,” it’s because that person allows it. The others may not see it as a problem. They may think you’re just being generous.

Your bigger issue, IMO, is to learn how to say no and advocate for yourself while remaining tactful. Saying no can be hard at first. Are you familiar with codependency? It’s people-pleasing. Until you stop doing that, you’ll never know how others truly feel about you.

Put out good energy and the Universe will send it back. Be patient. Don’t be afraid to lose “friends.” Don’t be afraid to embrace others. Give your old/current friends a chance to adapt to the new you, but don’t blame them if they don’t, because you are the one changing frame. Embrace the newness.

redhawkes · 2019-04-22T14:11:22+00:00

Now, I don't want to change and be something I am not.

Keep protecting your fragile ego, it want's you there, in the comfort zone. That's why you come with every kind of hamstering about not wanting to change.

Guys here already gave you great advice. Shed out the blue skin and start improving yourself. Become man of value, no such a thing as something for noting. Learn to be charismatic, interesting (having hobbies, and no WoW ain't a hobby), lift hard, and cut the losers outta your life.

Most important, stop spamming the sub with every brain fart and take action.

Qba1994 · 2019-04-21T23:06:16+00:00

I would like to get an answer too buddy The type of persona that everybody wants to hang around would always give some kind of values; is it money, free rides, parties, funny jokes, motivation, homework help, life tips etc. I guess one of the answers might be TO BE specializing in ONE topic such as music/fitness/picking up girls/being the guy who throws best parties. Just pick one specialization, achieve point where you are outstanding and people want to look/act the way you do.

It is basically what I’m testing this year. My specializations are: body+diet and playing piano/making music

By following those two people will be jealous of my body (they want to look like me and since I accomplished perfect body, they can turn to ME for a piece of advice!)

Also not everybody can play G-Wagon / Old Town Road and XXX-Tentacion on the piano - You get the point ;)

I chose those 2 just because I’ve been doing good with them and been practicing those disciplines for a longer period of time. So just pick something YOU consider yourself to be OK with and work on being consistent and things & people will come :)

Don’t know if it makes sense, English is not my native. Maybe my advice will be helpful!

independent_rooster · 2019-04-22T01:11:23+00:00

don't get depressed. think about this: you too hang out only with peoples that provide something of value: money, status, social group, fun, etc.

we all all the same. everybody uses everybody. so now, if you see it like this, it won't feel like a big deal. your problem is that you don't like the reason for which you are used. you'd prefer to be used for your wit, or social circle. the problem is that you can only provide money.

so now back to the sidebar: work on yourself. lift, read, learn. see yourself as a developing project. there is no shortcut, there is only one way: hard work and dedication. and patience. and then, one day, you will start to see the results.

KettleLogic · 2019-04-22T01:14:46+00:00

Hit gym and Get hobbies people find interesting.

That'll give you something to talk about. Also change yourself. Dont be like that. It you bought a house that was a rundown slum and could renovate it why would you fucking not? Literally no one would bork at improving the house, no one goes leave it a shithole it how it's always been why would you be any different

tossoutjack · 2019-04-22T01:37:14+00:00

Interdependence theory

resnine · 2019-04-22T05:25:44+00:00

In terms of girls three things will spark their interest: looks, money and status. You need to have at least 2 of the 3 over her for her to be interested, or it's gonna be really tough unless you have master charisma/game. Read this on girlschase last week and it makes complete sense.

I guess the same applies with guys though there are lots more ways to provide value.

celincelin · 2019-04-22T06:13:23+00:00

Now, I don't want to change and be something I am not.

Another BP bullshit that complements “just be yourself”.

Qba1994 · 2019-04-22T08:21:40+00:00

Because you can expand those things. For example you focus on playing the piano for a year a- becomes good at it and you have developed a skill that most people want to also have in their set. You can’t just play the piano all year long without doing other stuff. So that’s why I added fitness. Also choosing one would bring probably better results if you are consistent.

BestOrNothing · 2019-04-22T09:06:55+00:00

You can project value by your body language. Actually, I think your bpdy language have the HIGHEST impact on the percieved value of a person.

jm51 · 2019-04-22T11:13:37+00:00

'Just be yourself' is good advice.

People in your position mistakenly take it to mean keep being the you that you are right now. That's not the real you. That's the fucked up version of you.

Start becoming the you that you would like to be. If you can imagine it, it is possible. Maybe unlikely or even improbable but we don't have fantasies about our future that are not possible.

Hardest part I guess will be getting out of your comfort zone. It's going to be nerve wracking but no promised land if you never lose sight of the shore. Much safer to stay at home and not try.

Then again, you're going to feel fucking miserable no matter what so why not put yourself out there and risk getting embarrassed?

DANYboy52 · 2019-04-22T12:35:19+00:00

You are right, people always want something. But that can also be intangible things like humor, confidence, or enthusiasm. People feed of positive emotions like a calf from a nursing mother.

From what I'm reading it sounds like you are dealing with low energy. Have you always had problems with fatigue or am I understanding you wrong? Don't think that having vitality would betray your personality. Right now you may be the wrong version of your true self because you are draining your body through some form or another. This can be because of excess porn/masturbation, a high carb diet, or sedentary life style. All these things are unnatural. When I bring them back I start to feel like a zombie again and life loses it's color. I also lose charisma! Think about your health on a deeper level and understand the implications it has on your social life

[deleted] · 2019-04-22T14:44:33+00:00

If you genuinely want a thriving social life then, yes you do have to add social value or you quickly marginalized. I realized I don't actually like people that much, and therefore, my social life is almost non-existent outside of casual bar conversations (that the other person usually initiates). I'm a bit of a schizoid and i get more enjoyment from music, podcasts, books, and predictable sources of entertainment.

Again, if you genuinely feel a sense of urgency to be socially successful then you HAVE TO CHANGE. Become a DJ, throw dope keggars, be the nucleus of all social activity. Be the go to man for "where are all the bitches." Furthermore, you have to maintain your status. It doesn't just sustain itself.

StoneHurk · 2019-04-23T00:57:36+00:00

Do interesting things on your own, then bring people along for the ride. You have to not give a fuck about being judged. Yes it's going to come off as a tryhard but some of that is in your head. You can't let the fear of being seen as a try-hard stop you from achieving what you want in the end. The reason why people don't like hanging out with a boring guy is because boring guys are fucking leeches. All they do is take take and take without giving any value back. You may think that people are leeching off you by getting rides/money, but you in return are also leeching off your more sociable friends in a different way.

As a former boring guy in your situation, I know exactly how it goes. You expect your more sociable/extroverted friends to do all the work of setting up hangouts or gatherings while you just tag along and freeload off their connections. You gotta stop being the guy who just waits for the invitations and start taking more initiatives. Inviting people out and organizing group events is gonna a pain in the ass at first. You could do everything right and meet everyone's needs accordingly but you'd still get people flaking on your ass because people just flake. You have to get over that fear of being flaked or rejected by people and just not give a fuck. Focus on the activity that you wanted to do, not the people that don't show up. Also appreciate the people that do show up for you, eventually you'll see which ones are better to keep as friends and which ones are the leeches that needed to be dropped.

In a group conversation, you take zero risks at adding fun banter/opinions to whatever you talk about because you're scared of disagreeing with the hivemind and wanna avoid getting ostracized by the group. This results in you coming off as boring as fuck to talk to with no real sense of identity. So in the end, if you don't bring any social value to the group, the only value you have left are giving rides/money. Next time when someone tries to pull that shit on you, you gotta enforce hard boundaries. A guy with real boundaries garners more respect and people now know what's okay and not okay to do to you as a person. Next time for people asking you for a ride you can just assume that you're automatically invited to whatever it is they're doing. If you are actually invited, then cool, now it's up to you to not being a boring fuck in whatever the social setting is. If you were just being used for the ride, you can either play the victim and make them feel as guilty as possible or you can just straight up tell them to hire their own fucking uber because you're not their errand boy.

Title	Realize that no one likes/cares about you unless you provide some kind of social-value? How to improve personality without supplicating/being something I'm not?
Author	resnine
Upvotes	176
Comments	73
Date	April 21, 2019 9:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bfu6fj/realize_that_no_one_likescares_about_you_unless/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/realize-that-no-one-likescares-about-you-unless.235661 https://theredarchive.com/post/235661