In recent years, the popularity of Halloween parties has grown so much that the party scene now spans two weekends of costumed debauchery. Some of you may lament the loss of the “Halloween Spirit” or some other sentimental horse shit but I urge you to instead focus on the positive: girls dressing and acting extra slutty.

So to help my fellow TRPers to get the most out of this glorious time of poon-a-plenty, I’ve jotted down a few guidelines to help you pick out a costume to maximize your chances of having your bedsheets haunted by a naughty ghost or two.

Flaunt It If You Got It

Halloween is the one time of year where square chicks get to unleash their inner sexual deviants by putting on a Chinese-made sexy [insert profession here] costume. They are not hoping to attract Mr. 1500 SAT score with their fuck-me heels and skin-tight catsuits, they are looking for a sexy body to rub up against. So if you have a show-ready body, go ahead and find a creative way of exposing it to the masses.

Hell, going as close to au natural as possible is good even if you’re a fat slob or a twig for the sheer comedy of it. If you can’t make girls lust over your costume, you can always make them laugh. A word of caution to the twigs: You may find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of unwanted male attention if you dress like a manslut.

No Masks, No Face Paint

In my experience, costumes that require you to cover your face either with a mask or excessive layers of face paint don’t fare too well with the ladies. They tend to be scared or otherwise non-plussed by dudes in full-on KISS make-up. I have a couple of hypotheses for this:

  • Face paint beyond a few blood splatters and eyeliner obscures your manly facial features and otherwise makes you look unnatural, i.e., sickly.

  • Full masks de-humanize and impersonalize you, meaning that chicks will be even less likely to go on an sexytime adventure with a strange, masked man. You can't do everything a spider can, so don't expect to be hanging upside down and making out with a Mary Jane Watson if you have a mask on.

  • Face paint requires frequent re-application to look good. Without doing so, your face will be an uninviting mess after a few hours.

All in all, the pros of masks and face paint do not even come close to outweighing the cons if you’re looking for action on Halloween.

Attention to Detail

The devil is in the details. Whatever your chosen costume may be, don’t skimp on the little touches that bring everything together. For example, if you decide to be a Roman, don’t just wrap yourself in a bed sheet and call it a day; find a wreath of leaves for your dome and some Roman-looking bracelets to really make yourself stand out.

Keep It Mainstream

Characters from movies like The Big Lebowski or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, are cult classics because of men, not hot chicks. Don't bother trying to dress yourself like The Dude or Hunter S. Thompson unless would rather spend your night high fiving bros instead of talking to hoes.

Use Props

Costume props can be used to playfully initiate conversations with girls so be sure to make use of them of it is thematically appropriate for your costume. If you're a devil, use a plastic pitchfork to give girls passing by a poke in the booty. If you're a cowboy, use your plastic squirt guns to bukakke your targets (especially any sexy indians). The best part about this approach is that it's very polarizing. Girls who are into you will find your non-verbal antics cheeky and funny, prudes and bitches will not.

Costume Ideas

  • Lifeguard: Floaty thing, red shorts, zinc oxide on nose, beach sandals
  • Roman: Short toga, wreath of leaves, sandals.
  • Caveman: leopard print loincloth, giant bone/club
  • Any male stripper costumes
  • Streaker: flesh colored briefs with a cardboard cut-out of mosaic censoring over your junk. Add running shoes and athletic socks for extra hilarity.