“As to methods there may be a million and then some, but principles are few. The man who grasps principles can successfully select his own methods. The man who tries methods, ignoring principles, is sure to have trouble.”
- Harrington Emerson
Lately I have been considering a principal I see come up time and time again: Become Unreactive.
From my readings on stoicism:
"You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass."
- Warren Buffett
"There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond our control."
- Seneca
"If you are distressed by anything external, your pain is not due to the thihhng itself, but due to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any time."
- Marcus Aurelius
From my readings on Charisma:
From: The Charisma Myth, By Olivia Fox Cabane, Page 10
"In fact, charisma will make you more attractive. When instructed to exhibit specific charismatic behaviors in controlled experiments, participants' levels of attractiveness were rated significantly higher than before." ..... "Three quick ways to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:
- Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
- Reduce how quickly and how often you nod
- Pause for two full seconds before you speak"
Later, in the same book:
From: How To Talk To Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, By Leil Lowndes, Assorted Pages
Flooding Smile - "Smiles that are too quick are usually seen as disingenuous. If you allow your smile to erupt gradually into a big, warm smile, you will be seen as much more sincere and personable. The person you are talking to will feel special, as if the big smile was made just for them. Over the next few days, observe the smiles of those around you. Who are the people usually seen as the most credible? These people will almost always have a slow, sincere smile."
Limit the Fidgit - "Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you're fibbing."
From my readings on Power:
From: The 48 Laws Of Power, By Robert Greene, From Preface, Page xix
"Learning the game of power.... Certain basic skills are required..." "The most important of these skills, and power's crucial foundation, is the ability to master your emotions. An emotional response to a situation is the single greatest barrier to power, a mistake that will cost you a lot more than any temporary satisfaction you might gain by expressing your feelings. Emotions cloud reason, and if you cannot see the situation clearly, you cannot prepare for and respond to it with any degree of control."
"Anger is the most destructive of emotional responses, for it clouds your vision the most."
From my readings on Game:
From: "The Shit Test Encyclopedia, by The Illimitable Man" Link: http://archive.is/w8RYY
"Why are they called shit tests? Well when somebody “gives you shit” and fucks with your head to see how you will react." "It’s an unavoidable part of human interaction. We use shit tests to make value judgements about people, likewise they can be used to determine how people cope under pressure. The underlying mechanism of shit tests is to test your mettle."
Shit tests are used to “determine your frame.”
"If you can keep composure/seem unfazed and/or assert your boundaries despite a shit test, generally speaking you will be considered to have passed the shit test. If you get upset, offended, doubt yourself or show weakness in any discernible way when shit tested, it will be generally considered that you failed the test."
From: "How To Get Laid Like A Warlord" Link: http://archive.is/8Vq7F
"Women are attracted to you because you have a stronger frame than they do. That’s all."
"What is a strong frame? Fundamentally, it’s a sense of certainty in everything you do. This certainty manifests itself as calmness in the face of social pressure. Simply put, in a cold approach pickup, the woman becomes attracted to you because you’re more relaxed than she is. That’s all."
What does it all mean?
Simply put, every single one of these quotes, from a variety of sources, from a variety of fields all get at the same core principal: Remain unreactive.
Don't fidget. Don't touch your face. Don't glance your eyes away. Don't fret about things. Don't let your emotions overtake you. Don't constant give re-assurances by noding frequently, or by saying "uh-huh" while talking. Don't rush to speak. Don't smile too quickly or too frequently.
It all boils down to that one simple concept: Remain unreactive.
How do I Remain Unreactive?
That will be a posting for another time, but i would recommend to start by meditate daily. we've taken up enough space here. I'm interested in hearing feedback from the community on their thoughts, and how they've gone about cultivating these principals.
MAureliusTRP
Learn how to speak in public, and learn when to be quiet in public when all eyes are on you. Do it freqently.
I teach yoga so my public speaking these days is either in a group setting, or meeting with clients on the professional side.
My intonation, pacing, and word choice is all the better for doing this. I've also learned that my physical movements play a role. Do I walk quickly and how does that affect my speaking? Or do I slowly ... slowly pace around the room in time with the beat of my voice?
A huge problem, IMO, with yoga teachers is their need to fill the entire class period with chatter - they can't be quiet.
On the other hand, I give my instruction then stop speaking until it's time to talk again. That was difficult to learn, being quiet in a forum where people expect me to talk. I get a lot of positive feedback on it though. The hardest pose to teach is the one where I have to just sit and be quiet for 3-5 minutes.
I hate when the teacher is telling you to hold a pose and be mindful, but then won’t stop talking. They just want to make themselves feel useful, as you said.
I spend a lot of time on stage for small groups. It's absolutely quality over quantity. Also, you're not speaking to a whole group, you're speaking to loads of small groups. Address each of them directly for a line or two as you talk, then move on to the next small group. Rinse, repeat.
Any good yoga channels on youtube you recommend? I want to get into it more for BJJ so lots of hip work would be sweet.
It's all hips, man. I don't know "BJJ" but that doesn't matter.
Go to a local studio, that's your best bet. Take a few "beginner's" or "Level 1" classes.
I don't know good Youtube channels b/c I've been doing and teaching it for so long that watching level 1 classes online won't do me any good.
Goodl luck.
Thanks man, really appreciate it!
It's actually staggering how powerful of a mindset this can be. We subconsciously know that people who aren't phased appear more capable, but we have had the habit of appeasement drilled into us from basically childbirth.
Nod in agreement. Um and Ahh in agreement. Throw in shitty connectives like "of course", "for sure" and I agree, totally" for no reason but to keep each other talking. We're so scared of not being reciprocated that we've conditioned society to require it as a norm.
I remember learning this at a job interview a decade ago. I kissed arse from start to finish, just like i'd been taught. The atmosphere was one where I suppressed my words, just in case. I said too much and made a pathetic impression. I got the job but the dynamic was established with me as a definite underling.
Now I only speak when I need to. I don't grunt in approval. I don't give that typical "job interview" head nod whenever i'm being spoken to. I am much more respected today.
Look at every iconic tough guy movie hero. They are cool, calm and collected at all times. They barely allow any emotion to seep through the cracks. If they do, it is a hint of joy as they crush an enemy. They are unapologetic in their character and firmly believe in themselves.
Or at least it appears so.
This is proof that we as humans are wired to admire men that shit does not stick to.
You have picked up on some powerful tools.
Timely comment for me, got an interview tomorrow.
I realized that it is exactly how my current CEO speaks, never rushing, always calm and paced, seldom using connectives, and he gets directly to the point.
Good on you, mate. Hopefully you can put what you've learned from OP's post to good use.
CEO's are excellent examples of alpha behavior. It takes a special kind of person to handle that kind of pressure. Their frame control is world class.
This is why watching Donald Trump is a body language master-course
Say what you want about him, Donald Trump is THE embodiment of TRP.
i found a smart man and its you
Or Sean Connery, Clint Eastwood, or Steve McQueen.
This is my biggest flaw. I need to practice being indifferent to what I can't control
Agree so much with you on this man, it's like one thing to get what these guys are talking about in an intellectual capacity and another to achieve that state
Nah only be indifferent to things you genuinely couldn’t care less about, that’s true indifference. You don’t need to practice that.
I would heavily advise against trying to act indifferent to something when you know inside that you’re not, it’s being fake with yourself. Nothing wrong with having an opinion on something you can’t control, you don’t have to blurt it out. Still acknowledge how you feel about it and process it and form an opinion cause it keeps you self and socially aware. And should anybody ever ask you won’t be sat on the fence looking all indecisive.
I see downvotes on this, but what I would love to see is a reply. SoA_MC is right. Redpill has a “never invest or commit into illiquid assets” fallacy problem. Of course, if you aren’t invested, don’t act like you care. Just don’t invest in bad assets.
I also think he is right, but that's another use for indifference. The kind of indifference I was talking about is for example, being cut-off in traffic, co-workers trying to put you down, things that happen to you that most would perceive as harmful when they are not. Why bother wasting energy processing emotions when you don't really have to process anything, it's just your insecurities taking control of your mood.
So it's my fault for not being clear, because I wasn't trying to say that one should be indifferent to everything in the world in the sense that you will never form an opinion on anything, but in the sense that you should not react, become sensitive. You should not let those external things make you lose your cool.
So in other words, am I going to yell at a car that cut me off, and almost made me crash, in front my plate? Nah. But I still have an opinion, that guy is an idiot, and I will do more than to call him out if I get the chance.
This reminds me of a popular sports radio personality describing why he felt a new coach for the local football team was a far superior and more competant leader than the guy he replaced. For context, the coach he replaced was known for his emotional displays on the sideline during key points in a game, and towards the end of his last season it had become clear he lost the locker room. The situation being described was in game 2 of the 2014 season.
"On a third and five Golden Tate gets taken down a yard short of the sticks, late in the second quarter. You're just at the edge of field goal range and your rookie kicker has missed every attempt of his career so far, so the obvious choice is to keep your struggling offense on the field and go for it on a 4th and one.
Stafford looks to the sideline like he wanted to beg to stay on the field and sees Bell and Pettigrew marching out to the huddle and Caldwell (the coach) is a statue. Completely unshaken. The crowd is losing it with excitement over the momentum of the game and the high risk high reward situation about to play out in front of them but Caldwell looks exactly like he does on a first and ten: calm, cool, focused.
That's where I started to believe these aren't the same old Lions. It wasn't the fact that the defense only allowed 20 rushing yards in two quarters against one of the best running backs in the game, or that every lineman has at least one sack through only 6 quarters of football played so far. No. It's that Caldwell comes off like a real leader of men, and it shows when his offense can take the field on 4th and 1 and convert it like its routine and he is still a damn statue on the sideline as one of the most exciting plays of the season so far occurs in front of him."
Caldwell actually turned out to be a mediocre coach overall, but his players loved him and played their hearts out for him every season. That unreactive nature he had made people want to follow him. There definitely is something to your post, OP.
> keep your paws away from your puss
excuse the me fuck your pardon
In other words: Ladies... don't finger bang yourself while talking to someone.
I suppose that's technically valid advice.
Sometimes that would be nice tho
Nah bro I don't think putting a finger in after having that wasabi would be a very good idea
Puss can be slang for face, at least where I'm from.
"...keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face..." Context gives it away.
Yeah it's a weird name that Leil decided to give it. Still, keep your hands away from your face. touching your face suggests you're nervous
What a staggeringly brilliant post.
I made a mistake at work a few months ago. I apologised. My manager sent another email degrading me further for the mistake.
I wrote an email reply with further explanation, apology and emotional rhetoric.
I never pressed send.
The following week, I re-assessed the message and deleted it. The mistake was forgotten and life went on. Who knows how much more unnecessary drama would have been created if I had of hit the send button.
Sometimes at work I have to apologize for a mistake I have made. I have learned that instead of saying "oh, i'm so dumb, i made such a big mistake, i'm sorry, i can't believe i've done that", i instead own the mistake and then discuss ways in which to improve: "That shouldn't have happened, and i've thought about ways to make sure it doesnt happen again. Moving forward i'll do XYZ and this shouldnt come up as a problem in the future."
maintain your frame of being in control and in my experience you do fine
Absolutely spot on. I had to do this recently when I got put on the spot. I held the emotion. Explained water under the bridge and made an example of how I could have more professionally handled it and actually, impressed my manager. It was like a huge shit test I passed
Children are controlled by their emotions. Men control their emotions.
Thus, women are children
A step further, many whom we would consider "adult males" are children, as well. Be careful with who you consider a man, as not many make the cut.
The difference is that an adult male who is a child is a person who is developmentally stunted, failed by his parents and society. A childlike woman is what she is. This is her nature.
When I'm my most cool, calm, collected, and simply 'present'...it's amazing how many people ask me if 'something's wrong'.
It's a really interesting thing. As if people have been so socially conditioned to be reactive, put on the fake 'enthusiastic' mask, seek approval and validation etc, than when you are simply present, stoic and unreactive, many people think there is something wrong.
I haven't quite put my finger on it, but I know these comments come after I've been totally fine, so I've been slowly wondering what affect it has on people.
If your emotional, you are not thinking. A thinking man is always a threat in this society. Stoic men are intimidating to people because they are hard to read. Our society is so effeminate that unless you are smiling people assume you are upset. That's their problem, not yours.
Appreciate the reply.
Amazing how I subtly feel that inner beta thinking 'oh no, will they not approve or like it, and should I be happy and smiling'?
As if for some reason we are conditioned to want people to be able to read us, and know all is ok. As if 'I need others to see I'm happy, for them to be happy, and therefore I will get approval'. It feels like supplicating.
It's becoming easier and easier to kill that subtle urge, though. Running around happy and all smiles feels unnatural. Stoic, unreactive, present feels like the optimal state. I do a lot of mindfulness, and it has had immense effects.
I'm beginning to be more and more comfortable with others being uncomfortable. The only thing I feel like saying sometimes if 'yes, I'm fucking ok'.
This post gave me some instant radar pings because I can relate to a situation that happened just days ago.
The lady I've been chasing (she's 15 years younger but we vibe) came over for a night out with friends on Friday. Which somehow transitioned to her and I inexplicably hanging out all weekend until Monday night.
We did some urban city kid stuff Saturday. A lot of walking, a few restaurants, some cocktails in the evening. We wake up Sunday and it's beautiful outside. She wants to go to her lake cabin, and her parents and brother (who I've never met) are there. Shit test much?
I contemplated it for a hard minute but eventually agreed. She was driving, we were going to the lake, and I had beer to drink. Who gives a fuck about the rest?
Long story short her family is slightly nutty (aren't we all) but I came out shining because I was the coolest cucumber in the patch. Never said much to the fam other than a few conversations with her mom (important to be cool with mom) and was otherwise polite and quiet for the most part.
Her ex boyfriend was a slightly sociopathic omega (I ask myself how? she's 23 and beautiful) but she is used to this hair trigger thing where he would bitch constantly about everything. I bitched about nothing, never complained, never got emotional, never even raised my voice.
Basically the whole weekend I was 'in frame' meaning at times things can get annoying but you never let it rattle you. This whole idea completely blew her away. She commented about 87 times how much stress free fun she was having.
Maintaining frame is fucking critical, especially around women. They are emotional creatures. Like Heartiste said, you are the rock in their stormy waters. Learn to bend, but not to break. Talk a little bit, but not too much.
Great way to put it. I love hearing examples of these things put into practice, helps me to visualize using them myself.
How much should you meditate? 10 mins a day or 2x 10 or 1 x 20 ?
Just do it. Even for 1 minute a day. The point is consistency, not time. Time will come with consistency.
Start with something small like a five minute meditation. Once it becomes a habit that you can do every day without too much of an issue, stretch it out to ten minutes, then fifteen, and on from there. If you go whole hog right away, you'll get burned out and not take any value from it. The value is in the repetition as your brain learns how to focus and observe, not in torturing yourself for hours at a time. It's a lot like working out - more reps over the long term are better than getting in a lot of reps all at once and burning yourself out.
I started off 5 minutes once a day, worked my way up to 10 minutes once a day, and now 10 minutes twice a day. From what i've heard 10-20 minutes is a good goal
That reminds me this which I will try to do:
In Islam, a believer must pray and meditate at the same time, every single day, 10mins (max) X 5 times.
Internal peace and control of emotions.
"Just start laying bricks"... don't worry about how many or what is being built.
Serious question: I love the mindset of being unreactive/stoicism, but I also love to be enthusiastic. How can you be stoic AND enthusiastic?
Enthusiasm is an old concept, the word taken literally refers to Entheosis, i.e. the active presence of God in a man.
Every man should strive for that enthusiasm, among other things, it is infinitely sexy to the women. Unstoppable virility, prankishness, zero fucks given.
The problem is that you're taught to think (in blue pill world) that enthusiasm is that goofy thing Jim Carey does when he plays his characters, or the soyboy wide open yapper. It's none of these things.
I get excited about things, is that Jim Carrey like?
Fake enthusiasm is "fake". Are you always happy? or trying to give off an aura?
If she says she wants you to fuck her in the ass later, your body language and tone of voice will reflect your level of enthusiasm for it. If you fake it, she will easily know. Also, enthusiasm is something you have to "give" constantly. Like giving flowers, it becomes an expectation. It can be sexy, but what happens the day you don't feel the "enthusiasm"? She will nuke you!
Being stoic is like mental camouflage and keeps "the sexy."
Hence the part of the post about an "elongated smile", and do not forget that not all smiles are done with the mouth.
You just described 75% of my office. Ugh, I hate them so much.
I really like most of the people I work with but sometimes it seems like the most important thing in the world to then is displaying happiness. Look how happy and glee filled I am - and happy to them means getting an almost manic look and chattering. Granted, most of these are women but fall right into it as well.
How do you maintain your interactive masculinity yet be an active part of social environments like this?
I smile a lot, so after that I seem a little bit retarded for people and I lose credibility...
Feminity is a churning sea of possibility. Alone, women are like water, all formless possibility. A man is the vessel that gives her form. Masculinity states what is. Men create the reality of their relationship from the potential of their woman. A man states the course. The woman reacts to it.
That first part sounds like something I read in Julius evolas metaphysics of sex. Couldn't be more true.
omg, I read 'remain unattractive'
It's a great way to practice your game tho, because I'd recently shaved down my hair and it made me look weird and had a very negative impact on my performance but the numbers I got were solely because I'd gotten better skills. Good thing that I did that exactly for that very purpose
Remaining Nonreactive is more of a stepping stone to realizing just how powerful your reactions are.
It's like "Fake it till you make it" The goal shouldn't be to become this underacting, unloving stone of a man.
As someone that took this sort of advice WAY TOO FAR. Remaining completely non reactive to people will quickly end up with you isolated from new groups, usually without a way back in as you'll be seen as boring or worse a drain on the atmosphere.
You want to eventually understand and utilize the power of your reactions for you social benefit.
That's the challenge on where one will fall.
Excellent post. So many positive outcomes in so many facets of life with this mindset. I see others focus far too hard on responding/reacting to shit tests. This post would solve so many of the issues discussed in asktrp. Reminds me a lot Buddhism.
wanna get started on being unreactive?
unless you are directly asked a question, don't say a word. only reply to questions.
women often expect replies to statements. if she says, "I'm tired," do you feel obligated to reply in any way?
in the past I'd ask... "why are you tired... something wrong?" and the testing, bs, and endless yapping would begin.
now... i just remain silent or continue doing what i was doing... like reading.
This doesn’t work in real life conversations. There’s no hard set rules — learn how to read and adapt. Be a good conversationalist. Ask questions, give genuine responses to statements.
Sometimes I read these opinions and shake my head. We preach “alpha,” “holding frame,” “taking control.” Well fucking take control of the conversation!
It’s like dancing: grab her hand and lead her. So much of getting a girl to sleep with you is comfort + sales pitch. If you’re good at selling, you’ll have no problem closing the deal. Girls need to feel comfortable with you. When you sit there grunting or being silent, you look weak and it makes the whole situation uncomfortable and awkward. You need to sell because they need to feel good about sleeping around.
Just be normal and have a conversation. It blows my mind how calculated some people try to make everything.
uh... if I'm busy reading, that's what I'm doing. reading. if you're ass isn't on fire, what do you want?
if she's making a statement of, "I'm tired," then she can fix her situation herself... while I'm reading.
we BOTH know it's her wanting my attention at the moment. don't let your girl train you like that.
If you think someone telling you “they’re tired” is a way of training you, then you’re way too deep down the cynical rabbit hole. The girls I roll with are busy professionals — they’re tired half the time and so am I.
Push/pull man. Give her some attention then take it away. Cat string theory and all that jazz. Just being a dick with zero empathy is ridiculous.
Use a comment like “I’m tired” to flirt. You could take it so many ways. I try and find an opportunity to flirt or build arousal in every statement. I’ll take innuendo to the max. But you have to be quick, witty, funny and not autistic.
do what you have to do... just my opinion and my way.
e.g. she wasn't tired when she was yapping on the phone or stuck looking at the tv watching scandal or empire.
but when you're busy and doing your thing, ie, not available to give her attention, all of a sudden her mood is your priority? fuck that.
you're being trained.
it's not about being a dick. and at any time, if she doesn't like it, she can go. my relationships aren't built around gaming a woman for pussy 24/7. when i have shit to do, i do it. her pussy can wait or she can take it with her when she leaves.
I’m not even sure what you’re talking about anymore. I’m talking about the original comment of having a conversation with someone. If you’re having a conversation with somebody and they say “I’m tired,” I’m having a difficult time finding your logic in how that’s training anyone.
I've just started grunting in response to pointless noise like that.
I've developed a few grunts, one of agreement, one of dissent, a neutral one ...
i give eye contact for about a second or two... a look that says, "aaannd what?"
those open ended statements are a weak way to seek validation... esp when they see you're busy and don't need them at the moment.
don't validate. just look... then back to your business.
"I look horrible" I replied "you look beautiful!" Now, i'm considering i was looking for approval
What is the correct course of action when being accused of being a heartless robot? I know it's a kind of shit test and I saw a good suggestion to it somewhere (maybe in the that big guide to shit tests in the sidebar?) but can't find it now. I've had this one pulled on me a couple of times. People suck.
If it truly is a shit test, remaining unreactive helps you pass it:
if you get upset and defend yourself, you lose (reactive) If instead you maintain a playful frame (if thats what you had before), then you win (unreactive)
Agree and amplify is the easy go-to.
I get that a lot, too. Don't even think of it as a shit test. Treat it like banter with a close friend. Some women dig the robot facade. The trick is finding them.
But they do it meaning to hurt and provoke. I suppose one could "agree and amplify" but that doesn't seem like the most effective way to shut this down and it usually happens during a stressful argument, not when you can easily inject some humor into the situation.
If this bothers you at all, which it does, then you're faking it. They can sense that you're faking it.
It isn't just being non-reactive, it's a fundamental awareness and understanding that flaring emotional responses and needless comments are a waste of energy and offer no inherent value for you or others.
Once you get that, they won't call you a robot and if they did you wouldn't care.
Excellent post. It’s a breath of fresh air, a lot of shit has been posted recently. Great format, got right to the point and highlighted the best points from other sources.
One thing I’m trying improve on is balancing enthusiasm and stoicism. Women are attracted to fun but stay for security. Pull bitches at clubs by being fun, and keep them as plates by being stoic.
Texting is difficult in balancing the two. If I am stoic over text then I am boring. Being fun on text is difficult too because it’s just words, there’s no emotion, no enthusiasm, no feeling behind the carefulwords. It’s difficult to switch the conversation atmosphere. Key and Peele made a great sketch about this. That’s why TRP teaches that texting is for logistics, but I’ve had success with it before so I’ll keep tuning it. I don’t rely on just texting to game women, but it is a way to build some rapport and practice. Be careful though, because it can be easy to settle for just tinder hoes. You have to work on all aspects.
Anger has always been a boon. The LEGIT angrier I get the more silent, focused and precise I get. I carefully stoke my anger to get work done or deal with trying shit.
I’m currently dealing with someone with emotional issues who finds it hard to cope with my lack of emotional response, the concept is so foreign to him that he thinks I’m doing it to wind him up further.
Like the motivation. It also resonates with the principle I had learned years ago from a good physician friend of mine: Master profoundly how F = m a governs the universe, then apply it appropriately in each context whenever you need it (be it electromagnetics, fluids, optics, etc.) instead of trying to master each sub-domain independently.
Be the rock in a hurricane. Great post.
I asked someone if they liked me today. She responded with "I have a boyfriend". I could help but do nothing but look confused.
"Who's talking about being a boyfriend" You failed a shittest.
Epictetus' Enchiridion is a bible of stoicism. I recommend it to people all the time because it's so fucking good. I guarantee you'll get fantastic value from it if you're looking into stoicism, it's practical and it's short.
This should be in a sidebar
Waiting for your next peace. I'm very emotional right now, fighting oneitis with a bps woman. Thank you
Thanks!!! This already helped me in many situations since I read your post!!!
I have very glad to hear it :)
How to remain unreactive: give no phucks