The last few weeks have been rough. Sleep has been difficult. My legs, hips throb. I feel like a newbie again.

Last fall in a BJJ tournament I suffered a Stage 2 Separation of my shoulder. By luck I was on steroids for another illness so inflammation was knocked out immediately (affirming my belief that inflammation is probably the root cause of many illnesses and issues). So my coach/trainer set a plan to improve shoulder strength while I abstained from Bench pressing. Which was and is now the only lift that causes pain.

Flash forward to about a month ago. I was benching a token 225. Feeling good so we add some weight. 315. Instant pain. I am freaked, I’ve got meets this summer! I waste no time in getting into a doc. Xrays, MRI, Ortho within a week. Confirmed. I have an AC Joint widening with bone impingement. Ok could have been worse. The ortho is sports focused. He isn’t telling me to stop lifting and he isn’t diving right into surgery. we develop a plan.

So 3 weeks ago coach breaks the news to me. I can’t do full power events until my shoulder is healed but there are plenty of deadlift and squat only events. If I can make the cut then I go do full power and just do a token 135 bench, make points up on squat and deadlift. Yet that means my squats and deadlifts have to be on point. The organizations that do the squat/Deadlift only require deeper squats below parallel then I had been in before. OK, coach. Let’s do it.

This means getting 4 more inches on my squat. We are talking ass to grass here. I was envisioning adding weight, dropping low, and just grunting it out. I wasn’t prepared for what was ahead. Instead of just doing a 4x8 squat with a set weight, I was now doing 3 differently types of squats on various protocols. First a regular one as deep as i can get. Then another at 50% weight with a 2 second hold at the bottom, the third same weight but sitting on a bench. Every leg day (twice a week) has been painful. I mean I am popping Advil at night so i can sleep painful.

I am also pissed. My squats were up there and here I am now struggling on a 225, later 280, 300,.....this used to be warm up weight. And yeah it doesn’t escape me that most don’t lift at this level. I just have to look to my right and see my coach warming up to do a 989 sumo deadlift. I get it. Still, this is what I judge myself by. I walk among giants.

The gym I train at has a mobility coach. I have to start working with him. So I add him to the payroll. 30 minutes before every workout I am doing ridiculous exercises. Makes me look like I am a beginner. Thing is my coach is there too. He still competes. In fact all the serious guys are there. Doing all these little movements, talking, joking, preparing. We look like a bunch of fags at a boot camp workout. Meanwhile I’m drooling over the heavy weights, the atlas stones, you know? Real shit.

I am anxious to get back at it. But no. I have to do these pussy ass lifts and what’s more they are wrecking my shit. It totally fucks with your head. An experienced lifter wants to get into the complex. He wants to lift the heavy shit, the real work, why the fuck am I rolling a little ball on the wall at arm’s length? Why a I doing duck walks? Monster walks? Why? Because I have to train the small muscles again. Meanwhile some skinny fuck is over there on my power rack (probably one of you unplugging guys).

Sometimes you have to do the little shit to get the big movements. Sometimes you have to go back to the lab when something goes wrong even when you had it locked in. Life is not linear. When you settle for less then you deserve you get less than you settled for. If that means I go back to beginner lifts to make huge numbers, then I swallow my pride and make it happen.

I want to see what my body can do. what it can achieve. Every man has that obligation. You have to do something cool in your life. It has nothing to do with her, your friends. It doesn’t matter what reasons she gave you for not fucking you. None of that matters.

What, matters is what you are doing about it. Get your distance. Get your direction. Get your mission and pursue it like the unmerciful god you are.

I got the 4 inches. My ass is hitting the floor at 350.

Coach told me today... now we go nuts.