My husband wants to divorce me a week before our anniversary

cuddlewench · 2019-07-15T15:28:07+00:00

It's because he's a stay at home dad he can't feel like a man doing what he's doing. Nothing you do will ever be good enough because he can't be happy with himself, so any little mistake you make will be harped on endlessly because that is the only power he feels he has. Bitching about you, trying to make you feel like shit in the same way he does.

Kara__El · 2019-07-15T14:57:46+00:00

You guys sound like endless, insufferable, drama. If he's asking for a divorce, I'd imagine he's done, but it wouldn't hurt to suggest a trial separation (with strict guidelines as to what this means) and counseling, both marital and individual.

51cab · 2019-07-15T14:40:49+00:00

He sounds checked out. I'd recommend counseling. It helped us. It won't fix things on its own, but it'll bring awareness to both people's needs, and tools to address them. It will be up to you both to put them into practice.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-07-15T16:34:01+00:00

You’ve said that you read the books. What have you implemented from them?

thierryornery · 2019-07-15T20:31:56+00:00

Firstly, you can change. If he's done with you, that sucks. Maybe he doesn't have faith in that anymore but you can't give up on yourself.

Kaybee322 · 2019-07-15T20:31:59+00:00

I have tried to not talk to him about any of this stuff at all... A change from my usual pattern. I took my children this morning for a leisurely book reading. Then took them out of the house and for a walk to park. I let my husband rest on the couch. I picked up a beverage for him while out (something I usually don't do because I usually don't leave the house, but I was trying to be thoughtful like he usually is to me). I have avoided him all morning and am TRYING to connect with other wives here and not offload onto him. So far he has been even toned. He has not said anything about last night and I am too nervous to bring it up and have him say "yeah I do".

What really hurts is that he has expressed to me that I don't really want him as a partner and settled, now I'm stuck and I'm truly unhappy. I don't feel that way at all. He says I'm dishonest with myself and that I don't really respect or love him and if I did things wouldn't be the way they are.

I am frequently tired out by drama, and ladies, when my period comes on I have. A harder time coping with my kids. I try so so so hard to be calm with them. I try to show them how my husband and I can work together and solve things together. I have felt in the past like he doesn't listen to me and I don't get to say anything... But when I've managed to not argue, interrupt and genuinely just listen to him and his concerns... I usually see his perspective and can coordinate with him on things. I see this as deffering to my husband (instead of me just trying to be right or defend my position).

My husband has said that... Yes... That can work... But that deep down inside I find it unpalatable and won't ever change. ... I CAN indeed find some situations difficult to be respectful and defer. But that doesn't mean I don't want him or that I'm settling!

I want a third child with him so badly and that our children are blessed to have us. He has said he feels badly for the curse of our relationship on the two we already have. It is this... Flow of me just holding it together and seeing him not upset as "OK", but I don't want to barely survive. I want a passion marriage. But I'm so tired of feeling like he might leave me or I might fuck up or have parenting blow up in my face that I am endlessly tired and can't stay up to even watch a movie with him most of the month. I want more than movies - I want romance and he has said I have to earn connection with him. ... Ok.... I agree with that.... But why can't we just have constant connection? I feel like when he's hurt... It's a forever uphill climb to get it back into a good place... And then a little slip hell say SEE... YOU CANNOT LEARN. YOU CANNOT CHANGE.

I have said.... You must be very frustrated to say something like that... I am trying so hard to see it from his perspective but I feel like I am endlessly guilty of hurting everybody.

just_a_mum · 2019-07-15T17:36:20+00:00

You say that you've read the Laura Doyle books, when was this? How long have you been following the guidelines? If I remember rightly there are 7 steps, right? How far did you get?

i_have_a_semicolon · 2019-07-16T03:54:42+00:00

Do you fly off the handle when you're disciplining your child or flying off the handle when you talk to him? It seems like he is telling you and you aren't fully listening. If you feel the need to talk back or defend yourself, don't. Just diffuse the situation. the whole "ouch" thing makes sense If he is criticising you. It sounds like you are doing a lot of JADE, Justify Argue Defend Explain, which is bad and STFU makes more sense and you just need to act upon things and take responsibility for your emotional state and your outwards interactions with family and your husband. And you need to make intimate time for him. That's really it.

Edit: I have a sense that your tone and behavior may be unpleasant, stressful, excessive, annoying, or prying, etc. You're both not great communicators but take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you have to put more work into how you communicate with others constructively and productively while creating bonds. No yelling at all.

pnadlerlaw · 2019-07-17T02:34:31+00:00

Okay, first of all, I want to share a story with you, because this case was personally very heartbreaking for me, and I don’t ever want to see another woman repeat it.

I’m a guy, 33, married.

I was handling a divorce case for the lower monied spouse wife. She was an externally strong woman, very hard working. She had two girls below the age of 10, who she took care of on her own. This was an IDV case (matrimonial and criminal combined), because it was also a domestic violence case.

I’m not going to get into the husband’s financial fraud towards the court and tax fraud, because it’s not important to your question. But what is important is that this woman was internally very weak. She was beyond a doormat. She was addicted to people seeing her as a victim, to getting negative attention from everyone, including her children.

We got to the point where the judge was ready to penalize her husband for willfully failing to comply with months of discovery demands. She was in an excellent position. The day before we appear in court to have the judge hand the husband’s ass on a silver platter, she calls me crying and saying she wants to drop the case. I said, “Are you alone?” She said, “No, okay, I’ll talk to you when I get there, thank you.” When she came to court, she told me HER HUSBAND DROVE HER TO COURT, and was threatening her that her daughters would never want to speak to their mother again (or else he would cut them out of his will, etc.).

She said she wanted me to tell the judge she was withdrawing the case. The judge said, if that’s what the client wants, that’s what you have to do. You’re her lawyer, not her father. And so, she withdraw the case and the husband smirked at both of us and left. At the end of it, she pain my bills in full (waste of money if that’s what she would end up doing), and told me THANK YOU.

That’s the one case that gets me emotional, because even though there was nothing I could have done more, I feel like I failed this woman. They are living separately now, he is having sex with other women, and she is basically a single mom who shares her children with someone who wants to estrange and alienate the girls from their mom by bribing them with material things (not because he cares about the girls, but because he just wants to have control over her).

Not calling your husband abusive, obviously, but my point is this. If it’s not meant to be, let it go. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t be afraid to step outside the warm comforting snugness of the quick sand.

We all go through hard times. I’m not saying a man or a woman has to be a martyr for their SO. But when I was depressed or had a car accident, my wife was there for me and supportive even before we were married. When my wife gained weight and got depressed because of her work and general life stress, I was there for her too.

Obviously, kids are a different animal in a way, but in a way ... not really. If you’re with someone who genuinely have not “abandoned” as a long term partner (work-division-wise, emotionally, aesthetically, sexually, financially, etc.), and he’s ready to call the quits and move on, there is nothing more you can do, and honestly, there is nothing more you should be willing to do if your reasonable max effort is going to be met with that kind of respect and appreciation. And, on the other hand, if you haven’t been putting in your reasonable max, then the resentment may have been building over such a long period of time, now it’s likely too late to save your relationship anyway.

Please don’t be the people who file for divorce 2-3 times over their same marriage. Judges hate that, lawyers hate that, your retirement and children’s college funds hate that. Nobody wins, and I mean nobody.

Don’t aspire to keep a marriage together just for the sake of keeping it together when someone has initiated a divorce. Wind it down and start fresh. Any other man is better than someone who doesn’t respect and appreciate your reasonable max effort.

Kaybee322 · 2019-07-18T11:56:18+00:00

I'm thinking hard about what you've said. What about when he asks rhetorical questions "why is this happening" - but then accused me of recapping! Sometimes I feel I just have to say "I don't know" but then he doubles down "you're not stupid, tell me what's going on with this". And its like being tricked into JADE.

I'M struggling with how to explain stuff without going into a big list of what happened...

Kaybee322 · 2019-07-18T17:10:17+00:00

This morning I put on hold our morning coffee to help my kids with something, which... He was irritated at being ignored but said it's fine I was helping children. Later he went to research things on the computer for our upcoming trip... And I wanted to be in the same room to finish a sewing craft. "now everybody's down here" he said, and went upstairs for some peace and quiet. Well, ok... But it's raining and I have a late start for work today.
Thinking about him - he usually complains that we don't go out in the morning as a family to "get out of the house", and everybody needs "variety". Me? I'm content getting shit done at home. I don't need entertainment when there's a dozen of messes around the house (which he also complains about... How it's constantly a mess). So... After sewing, I only went upstairs to be proactive. "should I get us ready to go out?". "im in the middle of getting us ready to go on a trip... I'll entertain everybody once I'm done." "OK... I don't need entertainment...I just wanted to check and see if you wanted to go out cause it's a rainy day and you usually say everybody is stuck at home but I get to go to work" (face-palm here, hindsight- this is defending myself right?) "i am trying to get stuff done... I only need what I ask for and you don't give it to me." (I feel myself bubbling internally with "you ask to leave the house all the time and I rarely initiate and why do you have to be so irritable!"). But I STFU. THEN HE GOES ON. "I can't be downstairs, you guys follow me and the kids are making noise and I want quiet to concentrate." "OK.". I. Get it. Tons of previous years of me feeling THE EXACT SAME WAY AS HIM, with the burden of work, children, cleaning, relationship building.... Always feeling like I wish I could just have some peace to focus on the really important stuff. BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO NOT get irritable. I do. He does and I feel... Gets away with it? But I get how he feels, and in that moment... I wanted him to have the peace that I have often wished for in the past. So I get up to leave.
I go to close the door and he and I both simultaneously say "Do you want the door open or closed / Don't touch the door Leave It The way you found it" And I say, "OK... You were just saying you needed quiet so I thought I'd aaas-" "I want things the way I had them. You know what I would do if somebody walked in on me? Leave things the way I found them." Well now I'm pissed. I'm trying to be considerate even coming up here in the first place to make sure he doesn't feel ignored, isolated,... And I can't help but feel now this is beyond make directness, and he is just being short and annoyed with me. And I'm trying so hard! And I lose my STFU. "You know what I would do? Id ask a question so I don't mind read you.". Dammit.
But now I know we are full on arguing so.... When he said "Leave- Me - Alone.". I just walked away. I'm going to go apologize. Succinct. Sweetly. Empathetic ally. No defending myself. Just explain I understand.

Right?

Kaybee322 · 2019-07-18T17:58:12+00:00

Well... Follow the advice of a poster here... I followed the script of STFU... And then made sure to vent here.... And decided I was just going to apologize for a small misunderstanding. I HAD TO REMIND MYSELF no blaming no explaining no justifying - just show understanding and express regret. That's it.

"hey- sorry to interrupt but I wantes to say I know you're teying to make a nice experience researching and I can understand why you just wanted some quiet."

He looks up and makes eye contact with me.

I go on.

"and... I didn't mean to cause any argument. Hope you were able to get back to what you were doing."

And then I looked down to busy myself with something else.

He said,... "yes... I was. I think I found some nice experiences in this town down the way. I'd like to change it up from the way we usually do this trip."

"oh? That sounds nice. :)."

...

Oh my God

We just moved on with the morning. He received a genuine apology followed by the action of genuine LISTENING by me,... And I didn't trigger any poor responses because I didn't engender them with JADE.

Not trying to say that when he's irritable with me, it's his fault for acting that way... He should totally have control over his abilities to be kind and calm with me Too. But... What I did do is control myself.

Is this progress?

David-Yonnas · 2019-07-21T03:09:39+00:00

> working a late afternoon job.

>my husband stays at home with our children.

Found the problem.

plainjanename · 2019-07-21T05:14:17+00:00

I got very weird, uncomfortable vibes from that. It is not a child’s responsibility to play ANY SORT OF ROLE in an adult relationship. At the end of the day, you are both adults. Grown. So if need be, correct your child!! You don’t have a responsibility to walk on eggshells around your grown man husband, but you do have a responsibility to raise your child right and ready for the world. Teaching her respect, but also healthy relationships, and how two people in a marriage should act. Your husband says he is tired of the arguing, yet it sounds like he is the child. Grow up. It sounds like there are WAYYY deeper issues at play here. It is so sad to see how you put yourself down. Girl, I don’t know you but I’m hoping and rooting for you in that I’m sure you are a good decent human being. It takes 2 to tango, so it’s pretty odd you and your husband are finding you at fault solely. Listen, I lived with a mother that put men first, let them push her all around, the constant constant arguing, bad energy, stress, and so forth. And let me tell you, a child and teen would rather have parents who are divorced, than ones who can’t get it together; yet want to play house. Maybe your kid takes digs at you because she is resentful of the situation that she’s in. Bc to me it sounds like, husband blames you for “doing nothing right” rather than look deeper into that whole issue, you blame your kid (only internally tho right?) and it comes out in small gestures, your kid resents the position she’s in and makes small digs at you. I was that kid, my moms idiot trash partner was jealous of our relationship,so he sabatoged it. Even family friends would see and say it. My couldn’t stand to be alone desperate mother let it happen. Consequently I left, and didn’t speak to her for 2 years. So if you care about your kids, re-examine this whole situation, everyone’s roles. Get therapy and don’t be a doormat.

loner589 · 2019-07-21T10:14:32+00:00

Not playing proper roles.

gs_cookie · 2019-07-29T07:04:36+00:00

Your husband needs to get a job and get the hell out of the house and out of the way. You don't have control of your household because your husband does.

He also needs to harden the fuck up and let you fight it out with and break the kid. Its like letting the dog out of the kennel when it cries or taking the baby our of the crib. By having you disengage when it gets too annoying for dad you're conditioning the kid to start shit with you to get its way.

Are these all both of your kids? It almost sounds like they might be your kids? Or at least maybe the oldest is just yours?

Anyway, good luck. If he's already threatening divorce I'm not sure you can possibly communicate this to him. Tbqh he sounds like a little bitch but you seem a bit neurotic so hopefully you can work things out instead of ruining two more people's lives if you split up and find new partners.

OnWarmLeatherette · 2019-08-03T05:17:48+00:00

As someone anti-red pill but pro-female and pro-human happiness (and certified therapist), I would like to offer my suggestion that some of your wording makes me feel as if you may naturally be viewing your own humanity as weakness and therefore as a fault, and it breaks my heart that so much undue burden has been placed upon you in your time of need.

In my experience with alpha red pill males, they try to use the human (male or female) need for mental peace as a sign of weakness, and to use “victim complex” as an insult insinuates to me that this person becomes defensive when their partner expresses their feelings in a fair way that THEY happen to take as a slight to their ego, which I hope you can understand is an incredibly big sign of a man who is emotionally anorexic and who is manipulative.

It sounds as if your whole relationship is based on making this man happy because you were taught to believe that your role is to be an ideal partner for a man you feel is good for you, and you in turn will feel horrible if he criticizes you, is not satisfied with you, or tries to make you out to be the weak one when you express feelings he doesn’t want to hear (when in reality, how weak must you be to get defensive at someone you love sharing their FEELINGS?)

My first reaction is to implore you to understand that you have been giving fucking 300% while he, as great as he is when he’s good, has been giving 50% at best. The relationship you are describing is not a healthy one by any means, and it is clear there is nothing you can do to change his mind— and mind you, if you are in the position you are in, you don’t WANT to change his mind. Never beg anyone to be with you; when you reach that emotional point, you need to know that it’s done. It’s not what you wanted it to be and you need to let it go.

And there’s no shame in thinking about how much more free you’d feel if you could be with someone who excites you, loves you, and makes you proud WHO ALSO respects your concerns and will not respond to them by blaming you for not thinking the sun shines out of their ass. I pray you find it.

Zegiknie · 2019-08-26T15:24:31+00:00

Parenting a difficult one can cause untold distress.

Divorce does the same to your kid, usually.

The naggy reactive mess you're in can be fixed. Don't focus on the relationship for now. Red pill theories only work as well as your emotional health. A child who stresses you out is a red flag for parenting and that seems to be the root here.

Title	My husband wants to divorce me a week before our anniversary
Author	Kaybee322
Upvotes	22
Comments	77
Date	July 15, 2019 2:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/cdi1fl/my_husband_wants_to_divorce_me_a_week_before_our/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/my-husband-wants-to-divorce-me-a-week-before-our.245556 https://theredarchive.com/post/245556