One day I feel like girls arent the innocent unicorns we should use them as plates and focus on our own goal. I get motivated and realise lifting, getting lean, fixing my grooming and shit will do the trick to get my foot in the door.

Another day I go outside and see everyone with gfs, short guys with gfs, ugly guys with gfs, guys who dont even probably know what grooming is with gfs, guys who aint got shit for them and got a girl, then I feel like gym aint the answer, but my face.

But then I realize just a few months back I had this hot chick really into me and I had shit going for me besides my funny idgaf college attitude, I aint got gainz and my face is not the best (crooked teeth, getting braces soon) but my groomin is on point and I kinda think to myself "maybe it isnt the looks..."

And im spending every day like this. One day I feel like girls are just girls, are fun to have around, its awesome to have a gf, and all I need to do is to go out and meet girls, have a chat with them to they see im not a random creep and if im into her check if shes into me and thats it. Another day I feel like girls are this evil creature that everything she does if totally fake. She texts you she loves you lots bla bla while sucking dick while writing it. She goes on a date with you and goes home and if you didnt fuck her right she calls up her homeboy to dick her down. If she isnt replying to your texts she isnt busy she is just being dicked down. If she flakes on you its because tyrone over there texted her to dick her ass down and she goes for it. Other days I feel like im just plain ugly and all the stares I get from girls are they admiring how ugly my face is and thats all.

Im kinda on this tri phase thingy (kinda hard to explain but I think you get the gist of what I meant), and its eating away my insides.

I had and probably have a lot of mental baggage from a fucked up teen life, think of an incel times x1000, it took 2 years for me to make a move from being incel to plain average. People look at me and dont become digusted or dont want to be friends anymore they actually interact with me, it took 2 years for me to finally at 21 years old be able to have a date with a girl because before it was just not plausible in my head. So you see, I had a lot of problems and I worked damn hard to fix them, a lot of pain was present because I didnt want to change. I learned a lot of theory but applying it is where im most bad.

I help a lot of guys here with theory cause of the reason I explained above of the 2 years but when it comes to applying it I have trouble myself because its kinda like my mood changes from day to day. I checked with a endocronologist and everything is 100% fine with me except vitamin D which is crazy low and im on supplements right now (he was a awesome doc and understood my situation and made sure everything was fine in relation to this side of the table) and the doc recommended I check up with a psychiatrist to check my mental side for it so i'll probably check that because its just that I have opportunities to date chicks, I have chicks on my dorm room to bang here and there and cute too but I just feel so... not worthy that I never make a move. Thats why im a virgin at 21... I didnt make a move everytime I could and I made the girls frustated. I feel so damn not worthy that everytime a girl looks at me I feel like shes judging my appearence and not interested in me. I want to get lean because I need more confidence. And honestly I dont know what to do anymore. Im fixing myself everyday, hair on point, beard on point, fixing my crooked teeth with braces soon, getting lean, learning good posture, eating healthy, getting my blood checked, good career, good social life, im doing it all perfectly but I just cant feel worthy. This year I had 2 chicks date me for months on end everyday just IOIing me and I always pussied out and then cried at night literally because I didnt know what was wrong with me for not making a move and I always said next time was the time but I never made the move and then they move away and I feel so unworthy that I dont approach any more girls. I never got a honest compliment from a girl saying im cute or shit like that, a close girl friend of mine rated me out of looks alone a 5/10 and im on point on fashion and grooming, my teeth fuck up my smile and shit yeah that alone would be like 2 or 3 points on the smv scale because it makes my face not symetrical and shit and it just fucks up my inside confidence. And braces will take like 3 years to work so I feel helpless until I put them on but then again I managed to get a hot chick date me for like 5 months and shit without me making a move and every date she gave the kiss eyes big time then im doing something right, right? I just dont know anymore...

EDIT: This post turned all over the place, but for those who read it I think you get the point im trying to share here, and please state your opinion on this