The most bitter and painful experience of the redpill is the acknowledgement that your bluepilled dreams of the past can never come to pass. No matter how noble or selfless those dreams may be.
For many the realization comes from the shattering of the illusion towards our oneitis. I had that.
But there was another dream. I dreamed to be free.
Like the monkey's paw, you must be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.
For most of my life, I chased pussy. Every girl I've ever been with I have fallen in love with.
There was a single guiding light in my life. My father. But what set him apart was one thing that made all the difference.
He was redpilled.
As you can imagine, I was always asking him questions and he always had an answer. He never moralized or sugarcoated his answers.
"Its just your turn, son."
"That's just the guys she counted, she's slept with more men than that."
"I know you love her now, but like a sickness you'll get over her."
I stumbled across these forums years ago. I rushed to my dad and eagerly explained everything I found. He listened patiently.
I finally realized that the most meaningful connection you could have with another human being is from one man to another.
From one brother to another.
From one warrior to another.
From one father to his son and vice versa.
After years of abuse and neglect i had inflicted upon my dad in my bluepilled delusions, i was ready to transform into the warrior monk I felt destined to become.
I was ready to go out into the world. Armed with the redpill knowledge bestowed by both my father and these forums.
There was one problem: my dad had run out of time. He was dying. And I didn't realize until it was too late.
I lost weight. I did keto. I did intermittent fasting. I devoured the knowledge here and absorbed everything i could from YouTube and audible. I took up weight lifting and MMA. i desperately searched out the holy grail that would save this man's life.
"After all the time ive wasted. For the first time im finally ready to spend it with someone who would appreciate my love unconditionally!"
"This cant be happening! Finally my eyes are open and im ready to go on adventures and now he's dying!"
I quit my job, sold everything I had, left all my past relationships behind, moved into a trailer and became his caregiver for the last 2 years.
In the beginning things were tough and there were times where i wanted to surrender. But i grit my teeth and clenched my fist. I knuckled down and told myself through the tears streaming down my face " i am not a boy. I am warrior and this is nothing i cannot handle."
I watched my dad wither away over the last two years. In the end he breathed through a tube and ate through another tube. He endured surgery after surgery in an attempt to fix the numerous health problems he suffered from. He wanted to give in many times. I would hold his hand and gice him a brave speech about tenacity and relentless endurance.
I spoke of the dreams of moving up north. Of him walking on his own two feet again. Walking with his redpilled son by his side. I could see the fire spark in his eyes, tears streaming down his face.
But in the end, I had committed the most cardinal sin a man on these forums can commit: i used redpill teachings in an attempt to achieve a bluepilled dream.
Last night. My dad held me close and yelled in my face in anger "son! Let me go!"
"Im ruining your life!"
"You dont need me anymore."
"All my life ive thought that people were nice but i could take em or leave em at a moment's notice."
"But you changed that, son. You showed me that you can find true love in this world."
"You are my rock, son."
"No matter what you said, no matter what you did, i never stopped loving you."
"I searched my whole life for a true best friend and could never find one. That's when i took matters into my own hands and made you, son."
"Youve exceeded all of my expectations. I truly dont know how youve come this far."
"I am so proud of the man youve become and the new friends youve made. But i cannot go with you to where you need to go. I'm too sick, son. Im never getting better."
"You have your whole life ahead of you, son. And im just holding you back!"
"Just let me go!"
I yelled back "its my life to waste! For once in my life im with someone that matters! I promised you that I'd never give up on you! its my life to waste damnit! This was my choice!"
"Ill be waiting for you on the other side, son. You knew this day had to come. Dont you remember what you said? Those who cannot sacrifice anything cannot change anything. Its time to pay your price. I'll always love you my son."
And then he closed his eyes and never woke up again. He became limp. I carried him to his bed. I gave him a chunk of pain medication to ensure that he wasn't having pain.
As his breathing became shallow, i stoically held him in my arms and whispered in his ears how beautiful the north was. How i couldn't believe he was walking again. How all those years of PT made all the difference. That he was right. That i had found a nice girl and we were having a kid. All lies.
As he pulled his last breath, i kissed his forehead and told him to not be scared. I told him he was free. I told him I'd be fine.
Once his heart stopped, i dropped to my knees and cried like an angry, dying animal.
This was the price i had to pay to be free.
A man only becomes free when he has no attachments and has nothing to lose.
The price i had to pay was with my dad's life. The life of the only human ive ever truly loved.
In the end, we only have one life. His biggest fear was me leading a mediocre, angry and bitter life, a slave to a woman through divorce rape.
He sacrificed his dream of dying in the Philippines, surrounded by new kids and beautiful women in his sunset years to die in a shitty trailer park, and a nowhere town with only his son by his side.
He died so that i could live.
I will alway be aware of the enormous sacrifice paid by our ancestors for me to be here today. Never take another single day for granted. Live your life to the fullest. Because before you know it, it can be too late.
I finally achieved the dream of every redpilled man: freedom with the tools and wisdom to enjoy it.
All it cost me was everything and everyone ive ever loved: including my father who was my best friend and like a brother to me. He died so that i could live.
Was it worth it?
All i can do now is prove that his death wasn't in vain. The only way we can honor our comrades that die in battle is by living our lives to the fullest. We honor their lives by making our lives count. Thats the only way.
Time to go north.
Thanks for reading.