One woman’s take on “nice guys”

I came across this question on Quora and found this answer. Confirms a lot of things re. Making the most of yourself in life, personal responsibility, mission, etc etc. Enjoy.

When will girls begin to notice the nice guys? Emily Payton Emily Payton, Psychology student, baby neuropsychologist, disappointment. Answered 14h ago Let me ask you a different question: When will guys begin to notice the nice girls?

Some facts about me: I’m 5′3″, with short legs and an arse so flat you could play bowls on it. My breasts are small, just like the rest of me, and they adorn a bony, birdcage chest that makes a hollow sound when you tap it. My elbows are pointy, knees knobbly and arms twiggy; I am the antithesis of thicc. My hair doesn’t shine, but rather floofs, in whatever direction it pleases. I was late to the puberty party, so my acne still hasn’t cleared up, even though I’m approaching twenty one. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my smile symmetrical, and when I do smile, my eyes (also small) shrivel up like raisins, forming cheery little squints. The only part of me that is big is my Roman nose, which sticks, beak-like, out of my undersized face, and throws the whole minuscule ensemble into disarray.

I’m not hideous, by any means, but I’m hardly the image of feminine perfection. I’m not the heterosexual-male-fantasy that I spent most of my teenage years trying to be.

I don’t get noticed a lot by men. I’ve never been asked out in the street, or hit on in a club. No one has ever used a clumsy line on me, or come up with an excuse to get my phone number. People don’t beg their friends for an introduction. I don’t get stared at, my pictures aren’t popular on social media, and my existence goes largely unnoticed.

But I would like to consider myself a nice person. I’m empathetic, understanding, and I like helping people. I’m positive, give compliments freely, and I always see the best in people.

Is it fair, then, that me, a nice girl, gets overlooked because of my bony bum and bird nose? Probably not. Am I happy about it? Not particularly.

But do I blame men for it? Absolutely not.

Do I expect some poor bloke to settle, to force themselves into a relationship, just to boost my ego? Of course not.

No one can help who they’re attracted to. Biologically, historically, and socially, people are programmed to want certain physical attributes. It’s almost impossible for a man to overcome millennia of evolution, decades of social conditioning and good ol’ peer pressure to force themselves to become attracted to someone they aren’t. Most men are going to have an image of perfection, and if given the choice between her and me, without any intervening personality info, they are going to choose her.

And why shouldn’t they? Why shouldn’t they approach the gorgeous girl in the club? The only reason they’d avoid the gorgeous girl in favour of the plain one is because they assume, based on some outdated 90′s stereotype, that all beautiful girls are bitches. Now, if the gorgeous girl was a bitch, and he knew it, then maybe I’d think less of him for choosing her, but in a club situation, where there is next-to-no chance for conversation and no way of assessing morality, he’s bound to choose the one he thinks is sexier.

In the street, he’s going to steal a look at the hotter girl, because he’s not checking her out for her personality. On Insta, he’s going to slide into the DMs of the girl with the best selfies, because there’s a chance they might click, and wouldn’t that be awesome? If he’s going to swipe right, he’s only going to do it for the girls he thinks are fit, because where would be the point in matching with a girl he doesn’t fancy, on the off-chance that she’s a great person?

No moral imperative is going to change attraction. I don’t expect it to.

So, with that in mind, why the fuck do people keep demanding that women notice nice guys?

The annoying thing is, I do notice nice guys. If they’re hot. If they’re funny, and intelligent, and they dress well and look good, then I notice them. And I do notice their kindness, and it’s a big tick in their favour — probably bigger than most other things.

But if that’s all they’re bringing to the table — they’re just nice — then what’s the point? Nice is dime a dozen; I’ve got scores of friends who are nice. What I want is exciting, attractive, purposeful. How am I meant to select amongst the nice guys without looking at other attributes? Why should I settle for just nice?

And why should I settle for just nice when I would never expect any man to do the same?

I get really pissed off seeing this question constantly come up. Not because it’s a bad question, but because it’s only ever directed one way. People act like men never get into bad relationships, never choose the wrong girl just because she’s good looking. It’s just accepted that men are going to pick pretty, sexy women, even though there are plenty of nice, ugly women. It’s accepted because everyone understands the laws of attraction, and that morality cannot be magically gleaned from appearances.

But when one man gets friendzoned, it’s like ALL women are suddenly shallow Staceys, who are deliberately ignoring good men for no other reason than to spite the Y chromosome. I wish people would get off their whiny, self-victimising high horses long enough to see the illogic of it.

The truth is, women start noticing nice guys at the same time as men start noticing nice women; when they offer more.

And if you think that’s unfair, well, it is. But that’s life. Get used to it.