I think women should offer a paternity test to the father of their child without being asked.

Littleknownfacts · 2019-08-06T22:35:07+00:00

This is a reminder to all the new people that downvoting is against the rules of the sub. Every time you downvote, your just proving the opposition right.

LSTW1234 · 2019-08-06T22:21:46+00:00

I think some men would be weirded out by this offer, particularly those who weren’t anxious about paternity in the first place. It reminds me of the quote “the lady doth protest too much.” Even if he accepts the offer and confirms that the child is his, he would likely still wonder why she felt the need to reassure him of her fidelity without any suspicion on his part.

This isn’t a great analogy but I’m picturing how I’d react if my bf proactively announced he was giving me access to his phone/accounts/location history etc., when I had never even expressed distrust or suspicion, and I think it would actually make me more anxious. I’d wonder if he cheated and feels guilty, or maybe he got a second phone and is doing this as a cover to trick me, etc.

AnarchoNAP · 2019-08-06T22:22:18+00:00

I'm not necessarily against this. It maybe makes more sense to make it a routine thing in the hospital. It wouldn't be the first stupid medical test I've had to take.

At the same time, recognizing that its possible that someone else is the father IS an accusation. The only way it is possible that someone else is the father is if I cheated (or if I hid a rape). I don't want to take this certainty away from men, I'm just having trouble logistically with this being anything other than an accusation.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-08-06T23:00:10+00:00

Granted I can understand that most paternity requests are probably made in the context of an accusation of infidelity, but if that context is not established why treat it like it has been?

there is no way that asking a paternity test CANNOT be an accusation of infidelity

GridReXX · 2019-08-06T22:21:12+00:00

I agree with a lot here, but what I don't get is why women should offer the paternity test.

If i had any doubts about my kids, i'd test them myself, and possibly tell my wife what I was doing. I'm not even sure I'd feel obligated to tell her, and I certainly wouldn't ask permission... but I probably would inform her what I was doing just because I don't like living in the stench of deception.

If the kids are mine legally, I have a right to know if they're mine biologically... that's just how I see it. But I feel like men who do the "the state should do it" or "the mom should offer it without asking" are kinda... pussies. If you think you have a right to do it, just fuckin do it. What is she going to do? Take away your sex? Trust me, women can do that even if you did nothing wrong. I would know.

If you don't have the balls to own up to wanting a paternity test then maybe you don't really believe you're entitled to one. At least, not to the point where you'll do anything about it. I hate when men go through life in fear of women will say or think.

GridReXX · 2019-08-07T00:22:19+00:00

I’m not offering that because men become insecure at the thought of anything here. Why introduce the idea in his mind that I maybe cheated “but phew 😅 glad it turned out to be yours.” TRPers especially will just find it another reason to call women whores they can’t trust. If he wants a test he can ask. Or it can be mandated as an “opt out” test at hospitals. But I’m not offering it up. Seems like more of a mind-fuck than necessary. Most men aren’t neurotic about this in the slightest. Don’t let manospherians cajole you into ruining a good bond you have with your normal man.

i think your POV is empathetic towards men’s lack of finite certainty regarding paternity, but... just offering it up out of no where is going to cause more contention than upside for the typical non manospherian radicalized male

poppy_blu · 2019-08-06T23:52:50+00:00

The mother doesn’t need to “offer” a paternity test to the father. The test doesn’t involve her. He can go get one on his own without her ever knowing.

That said, if I found out mr blu got one, I wouldn’t care that much. I get that you can have your suspicions even in the best of circumstances. If he came at me accusing me of cheating and demanded that I “offer” a test, I’d be pissed. It’s how you do it.

He’s not going to do that though. Jr Blu is a clone of him. I have a scrapbook with each of the their school pictures side by side and it’s eerie.

Also — if I “offer” a paternity test to prove I didn’t cheat*, should he “offer” a lie detector to prove he didn’t cheat?

*And you realize that being father doesn’t mean she didn’t cheat right?

PennnyLame · 2019-08-06T22:05:46+00:00

... my husband would be both confused and crushed at this suggestion. It is both improbable and impossible that any child I give birth to would have any other father because I am not having sex with anyone else. My “offer” for a paternity test, just like him asking me for a paternity test, would fundamentally change our relationship for the worse. Peace of mind is provided by our fidelity.

People can do whatever they like but the insistence that we all live in a Maury episode is bizarre.

GoldPilot · 2019-08-07T00:53:37+00:00

I'd assume it was my kid by default. If she offered a paternity test, I'd be jarred, confused, and suspicious.

sublimemongrel · 2019-08-06T22:15:33+00:00

How could you possibly not connect allegations of infidelity with asking for a paternity test? It’s literally questioning someone’s faithfulness or at least asking for “peace of mind” aka were you unfaithful?

pngmafia97 · 2019-08-06T23:03:02+00:00

if that context is not established why treat it like it has been?

That's the problem. Most paternity requests are made in the context of an accusation of infidelity. There is no "if" -- a request/offering of a paternity test is heavily laden with that context. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum.

I would gladly take any paternity test asked of me, and would even support it being "standardized" socially, but offering one in this day and age is like opening a can of worms. If neither of us has any reason to believe the other has been disloyal, why would we offer something that is only necessary in the case of infidelity?

A great analogy is offering that you both get checked for STDs in the middle of a long and happy monogamous relationship (given that both were verified clean at the start of the relationship). Like, thanks for the peace of mind, but also -- were either of us supposed to be suspecting something? It would be a mind fuck.

azngirl7689 · 2019-08-06T23:35:39+00:00

I don’t think so. A paternity test would only open up the possibility of cheating. Who did you fuck that you need one? Presumably your SO is the father no?

It just creates drama not dispels it.

pnadlerlaw · 2019-08-06T22:31:56+00:00

The bigger question is, why would a woman who is faithful be reasonably offended by this?

“I’m offended” is basically a socially acceptable emotional guilt trip way of saying, “Shut the fuck up.”

Tomatoccino · 2019-08-06T22:55:20+00:00

It seems strange to me. Why the need to pay for something redundant?

CainPrice · 2019-08-07T00:21:07+00:00

Relationships are built on a foundation of trust.

If a man requests a paternity test for his woman's child, even if it is "just to be sure", he is directly stating that it is a possibility that his woman cheated. He is not trusting her fidelity, based on her word, and instead is choosing to verify her fidelity through other means, then trying to sideways say "This isn't about trust! It's just about fairness on principle! Since you get to know for sure, getting a paternity test puts us on equal footing." Bullshit. If he trusted her, he wouldn't need to verify. Frankly, I don't trust women and if I ever had a kid, I'd quietly paternity test the kid myself. Blindly trusting women is stupid.

But a woman -offering- a paternity test doesn't get rid of this issue. It's even worse. If the guy trusts her and doesn't ask, and she -offers- him the paternity test, that's her saying, "I know you say you trust me, and maybe you even think that you do, but I know you're actually insecure and flawed and don't trust me, you weak little man you. And not only that, but I've probably cheated on you, because why else would I be offering a paternity test? People who aren't cheating don't wake up every morning and declare that they're not cheating and take steps to prove it. I'm being totally suspicious by offering this."

Sure, academically on paper, getting the paternity test to make things equal on principle because the woman always knows and the man theoretically deserves the same certainty makes academic sense. But this issue does not lend itself to some academic solution.

rizenphoenix13 · 2019-08-07T00:38:02+00:00

I don't think it should be offered, a paternity test should be required by law if the mother wants to claim anyone is the father.

Ofourkind · 2019-08-07T01:04:01+00:00

I am certain that my husband would be both confused and deeply offended by that. It seems kinda like accusing him of suspecting me of being a cheater and a liar. Which he doesn't. Because I'm not.

If he came home from a business trip and offered to take a lie detector yest to prove he didn't get drunk and/or cheat on me, that would make me suspicious. He doesn't need to do that, because I know he's not a liar.

PerpetualEdification · 2019-08-07T04:57:23+00:00

Why not just make it part of signing the birth certificate. You have to first test and legally make sure it's yours.

Littleknownfacts · 2019-08-06T21:50:53+00:00

The only potential down side of this I can see is then the father believing she cheated anyway, because why else would she not be certain who the father is?

Raven2002 · 2019-08-06T21:42:14+00:00

As a woman in her 50s who has "lived a lot of life", I think this makes sense.

Saves a whole lot of drama and will finally put that damn Maury show out of business.

Side note: childless by choice.

incelicious · 2019-08-06T22:27:08+00:00

Paternity testing should be automatic, as part of the whole hospital deal. Paternity fraud causes too much damage to too many lives.

abaxeron · 2019-08-06T22:43:21+00:00

"Demographic X should...." is, was, and always will be as dumb of an idea as "Demographic X is responsible for...".

Yes, in an ideal world, women should abstain from drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, not sleep around while in relationship/marriage, not drown/strangle their newborns, be at least open to the idea of her husband wanting and deserving peace of mind, and in general not be psychopathically cold and absent to the idea of their spouses having their own feelings, interests, and fears.

We're not in an ideal world, none of us has necessary resources to conjure a major cultural shift, and women usually don't initiate cultural shifts applying to themselves, and when they get subjected to shifts initiated by men, they call it oppression.

Getting a little bit closer to an ideal world is something I hope for. But it's not something I realistically rely on.

bonusfruit · 2019-08-06T23:36:17+00:00

Some form of feminine chivalry is long overdue

SparrowInAHurricane · 2019-08-06T23:57:09+00:00

I don't think I would offer --that seems weird. If I had any doubt in my mind I would have one done myself. If you are being honest that it is a potential question, it should be assumed.

bluepy67 · 2019-08-07T00:15:39+00:00

I think it should just be a step to certifying a birth when the hospital sends information for a birth certificate. By having that be a part of the process at the hospital, it takes away the awkwardness of a guy asking or a woman offering to do it. And considering there is a fair amount of paternity fraud, I think it's worth doing.

UrMomma4 · 2019-08-07T02:08:38+00:00

I did this with my husband. I didn't cheat, but in case he wanted peace of mind. He declined. It wasn't a big deal to either of us, but I thought it nice to offer. It's all how you ask.

jingle_hore · 2019-08-07T03:44:39+00:00

Agreed. I offered one to my husband when we had our son. He declined, but I didnt want there to be any doubt, even though I had been faithful for 11 years.

nemma88 · 2019-08-07T06:31:33+00:00

A man I was dating once got a std test in the middle of a relationship. It created doubt that wasn't there before. Probably a good thing tho as he was actually cheating on me, so you know the brightside.

In a perfect world everyone would go through proof of fitness and fidelity tests when havi g children. STDs as have been mentioned can be devistating for a pregnancy. Fidelity of a man is just as important to a woman, if she finds out later becoming a single mom is no joke, I would be devistated. Did your partner return your kindness by offering to test for proof of fidelity?

I think it could work if there was a media push everyone knew about so it didn't look wierd. But just offering up, as it stands at the moment... For the vast majority of men itS going to cause more doubt than do good.

BleachedJam · 2019-08-07T07:01:56+00:00

I agree that women shouldn't be mad if asked, especially if they already know for certain who the father is and know what the result will say, but I completely understand why they wouldn't offer it up. It doesn't really cross your mind during the whole process.

I knew my daughter was my husband's, so it never once occurred to me that I should even offer a paternity test. Especially in the whole whirlwind of doctor's visits, getting a house baby ready, and then you know, having the baby and taking care of them.

sadomasochrist · 2019-08-06T21:43:54+00:00

Why women though?

I mean it should be standardized at birth obviously, but why them?

The only reason it's not is because the government doesn't want to be paying for 2-10% of the population's kids they can otherwise dupe someone else for.

Lordb0lton · 2019-08-06T21:41:05+00:00

I also don't understand how recognizing that it's possible, even if highly improbable, that someone else may be the father is so insulting.

It's fake outrage to protect the ability to exercise the unconscious desire to engage in a dualistic mating strategy

Orange_Paisley · 2019-08-06T22:36:22+00:00

I would consider to do this if we were not married or living together. Otherwise I would expect a modicum of trust between us.

RaspberryInk · 2019-08-06T22:57:01+00:00

I also don't understand how recognizing that it's possible, even if highly improbable, that someone else may be the father is so insulting.

You don't understand or you don't agree? If you're exclusive, there would be no reason to doubt whatsoever. A paternity test implies the possibility of infidelity, no matter how subtle the insinuation. Understandably, people who are loyal/faithful/trustworthy don't like being accused of being disloyal/unfaithful/untrustworthy.

I guess I can understand the argument, though. It's sort of like doing a prenup even in the context of marriage being forever. The only difference is a prenup is *for the future*, which nobody can predict, whereas the paternity test is about whether both parties were trustworthy in the fairly recent past.

linleyandbebe · 2019-08-07T01:37:35+00:00

I think it's enough that women be willing to take a paternity test without flipping out upon request from the "father"

villanelle23eve · 2019-08-07T01:48:03+00:00

This is probably unnecessary in most cases because as the baby grows, it starts to resemble both parents. That fact coupled with trust and circumstance, makes paternity tests redundant.

rhyth7 · 2019-08-07T04:24:26+00:00

I think if they ask then why not? If no one's cheating or being trapped then why not? It's shady ppl that worry about being found out or being forced into responsibility

Earlybp · 2019-08-07T06:13:26+00:00

Yes. I like this idea if a woman can then secure immediate child support from the father from the point that paternity is proven. She has no choice but to pay for her child. If it is his too, let’s put forward an effort, chaps.

[deleted] · 2019-08-07T06:48:59+00:00

It makes sense. It's a good idea, too. But it needs a cultural shift around it or a third party to oversee it.

It's like when hospitals and governments run campaigns on STDs and health, one of the things they encourage people to do is get tested before starting a sexual relationship. It makes sense and it's a good idea.

But in practice, how many people actually ask before getting into bed? And how many people don't ask for fear of scaring off a potential partner? It could so easily be construed as "I don't trust you" as opposed to "we need to protect ourselves".

Another way is for men to tell women when things get serious that they want paternity tests done. The women who feel insecure about it are not worth having kids with then.

Blexit2020 · 2019-08-07T07:29:53+00:00

I'm sorry, but this is the first thing I thought of when I read this, lol. That just makes it seem like you cheated, are unsure of paternity, and are trying to hide it behind a wall of "doing it for his benefit."

"I totally didn't cheat, babe. This is so you can be sure that you're the father. I don't have doubts at all. Nope! No sir! No doubts, here!"

estusflaskplus5 · 2019-08-07T13:24:51+00:00

imo confirming the father with a genetic test should just be a standard legal process every time a woman gets pregnant. no questions asked, just make the test, release the results and let the parents decide what to do from then on.

adool666 · 2019-08-07T16:48:50+00:00

It's crazy how reddit doesn't care about paternity.

This was a thread on Am I the Asshole. A woman wanting her fiance to get a paternity test.

Everyone thinks the dad shouldn't even know. I never fully understood the whole blue pill thing but this is literally as blue people as you can get.

Fieryirishplease · 2019-08-07T19:55:48+00:00

It can vary greatly I would say. Some may find it suspicious and some may find it to be a comfort.

During the dating and vetting phase my husband and I discussed children and the number of men out there raising a bastard unknowingly. I made it clear to him that I would like to get a paternity test in the event that we had children for his own serenity. It just seems prudent in this day and age especially when I grew up in a family full of half siblings. Only one set of my cousins have the same father. My sister and I only share a mother and my niece and nephews each have a different father to each other.

I have seen some nasty paternity blow ups and would rather square that away 100% before the child is even born. This is especially near and dear to me as most of my family is platinum blonde, I am a pale red head with blue eyes, my husband is Mediterranean with brown hair and brown eyes. I don't think our kid is going to look very much like either of us which can cause some mental discomfort even if you had previously been confident.

[deleted] · 2019-08-11T07:07:23+00:00

I think paternity tests should be mandatory. Fuck if they hurt feelings.

Unforgivin89 · 2019-08-13T20:39:48+00:00

I agree with you 💯 percent while other people think it’s crazy to ask if you can have one. What people don’t understand is the way people in general have unprotected sex now in this day you can never tell.

petrichordium · 2019-08-06T21:46:33+00:00

“I think men should bring three years of tax statements to proposals without asking. Just show up with those puppies in a binder and get it done before getting down on one knee.”

FWIW I personally think paternity is one of the issues where male disposability is most keenly visible. It was a long oversight for me bc I don’t wanna have kids so never thought about it.

But this is goofy. It is incumbent upon you, as a man who cares about this, to make it happen. It is so easy to do in many discreet or sensitive ways. If anything i think it should just routinely be done in hospitals by the staff already doing a billions tests / procedures.

But Asking the woman to be proactive about it is bizarre and grossly unassertive for a male.

BlindingTwilight · 2019-08-06T23:13:54+00:00

It won’t ever happen. Trust is part of a relationship and misattributed paternity is not common. So injecting doubt into an otherwise healthy relationship will just cause grief

shoup88 · 2019-08-06T21:48:05+00:00

Why don’t men just secretly get a mail away paternity test after the kid is born? They get the peace of mind and no one gets insulted.

How can you not see the connection between infidelity and paternity? How could she be having someone else’s baby if not due to infidelity? Surely you can see why from the woman’s perspective why these are not totally separate conversations.

planejane · 2019-08-06T22:41:17+00:00

I plan on doing this myself--however, there is a pretty damn big disconnect between doing it at birth just to squash any potential for doubt if (worst case scenario) things get messy later on in life and requesting it years after the birth when the kids are in school.

I also think I'm paranoid and it fuels this. My ex accused me of cheating when I left him (never so much as entertained the idea) because he was angry. My family is notorious for spinning a request for a boundary as something to be guilty of. I often find myself planning ahead for the "In Case Of" moment. And that's my own personal brand of baggage.

I can absolutely see how it would be soul-crushing and crippling to have it demanded of a woman by her longtime partner. Plus if it's controlled by the state, that information is not your own anymore; they're using hobby genetic testing to close criminal cases now and I'm sure at some point in our future we'll be fighting the ethical battle of genetic discrimination in the job market, health insurance, etc. There's a lot of reasons NOT to want this to be the norm, and only a few but very emotionally-charged reasons to want it.

immaculacy · 2019-08-07T00:28:40+00:00

Just be the only guy to have had sex with her. Now you're the father. That's the normal way to do it.

misiepatysie · 2019-08-07T09:23:51+00:00

W do not want children. But if I would by some miracle get pregnant and my SO would want a paternity test, well it would depend on the circumstances. If he was told he was infertile or was snipped I would agree to the test because I know he would be freaked out. If it was a normla pregnancy like - we both are fertile and the condom broke - I would take the test and separate myself form someone who would with no real proof accuse me of having another man's child.

somedayimight · 2019-08-07T12:46:28+00:00

I agree with this. I told my husband years before we had any kids that I wouldn't be offended if he wanted to be extra sure our babies were his. I knew they were mine. He should get that certainty too if he wants it (he never took me up on it).

And as far as allegations of cheating go - no it doesn't prove fidelity, but it does reassure men they're not investing time and resources into someone else's child without knowing it.

fire-breathing-bitch · 2019-08-07T12:49:13+00:00

no, we shouldnt. and if asked id kick him to the curb and abort it.

Xemnas81 · 2019-08-07T13:54:41+00:00

The thing women here are missing out on when they say "a man shouldn't need permission" is that actually, yes, if you don't want him to know that he's raising another man's kid, you can get feminist lobbies to criminalise him seeking it without your consent-or at all.

And yes this has been done.

Zackorrigan · 2019-08-07T15:23:51+00:00

In my opinion the doctor should talk in private with the father for 5 minutes and asks him if he wants to do the test. If yes he then gets the results without the mother knowing.

THE_MASKED_DOWNVOTTO · 2019-08-07T17:51:55+00:00

I am a feminist and an atheist. I also studied genetics in college and my professor of genetics told us that at least 20% of humans don't have the biological fathers they think they do. About 20% - 40% of human males never pass on their DNA to the next generation. It's hard to find reliable numbers on this, but the studies I've read all say different numbers between 20% to 40%.

I believe that there should be a mandatory DNA test required and shown to the "father" before he signs the birth certificate. I mean, he's going to take on a huge legal role in the child's life, should there be a divorce or a split among the parents. I don't mean to make life harder for women or anything but fuck, I'll be damned if this happens to my brother. I told him straight up, DNA Test that sucker in private, without saying anything.... BEFORE you sign the birth certificate.

shoeboxone · 2019-08-07T20:15:41+00:00

Men have to remember that they are not obligated to sign the "i am the father" document, especially if they are unsure about their SO's fidelity. You can ask for a paternity test, and if the mother doesn't allow it, then that's a sign of some shady shit.

shoeboxone · 2019-08-07T20:29:12+00:00

ITT: Women not liking the idea of their man getting a paternity test. Surprise, surprise.

Bntt89 · 2019-08-08T00:32:32+00:00

It's so weird so many women here seem ok with men just taking secret paternity test, so it doesn't seem like we really need this.

hotcaulk · 2019-08-08T15:23:59+00:00

Never trust a woman. Every time I've call a woman out as a liar and started to vet facts and figure shit out. They squirm like a worm on a hook because they know the truth is coming. Take away lying from women and think about what the world would be like.

nevomintoarce · 2019-08-14T07:23:37+00:00

I think women should offer a paternity test to the father of their child without being asked

You're free to do that.

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Whisper · 2019-08-07T17:13:30+00:00

"Should" is just a one word synonym for "I want". It speaks well of you that you want things that benefit only others, but wanting something without a means to make it happen is just so much hot air.

Purecope2019 · 2019-08-06T21:41:51+00:00

Why? Are you that worried your woman is cheating?

Thats mad insecure

ontherailstoday · 2019-08-07T09:01:37+00:00

Nope. When men don't show a little spine and ask for the things they want, that's their problem.

Title	I think women should offer a paternity test to the father of their child without being asked.
Author	hotcaulk
Upvotes	140
Comments	321
Date	August 6, 2019 9:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/cmwk47/i_think_women_should_offer_a_paternity_test_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-think-women-should-offer-a-paternity-test-to-the.254555 https://theredarchive.com/post/254555