Dating in Hookup Culture, how to handle this?

philomexa · 2019-01-15T16:54:15+00:00

1.) get off the internet, re-engage with the world, avoid online dating.

2.) up your girl game and become super hot; its the only way to reliably out compete plain Jane's and command what you want. Guys will have casual nothing flings with nameless pudgy girls, but will fall all over themselves and offer commitment on your terms if you're the hottest girl around.

3.) Expand your social circle, talk to men in real life, observe their character and values, spend exclusive time with the guy that strikes your fancy.

4.) no seriously, become super hot. It's a trusted negotiating tool if casual pussy is off the table (and you're not interested in religious men).

The men you're interested in exist, but they won't be found on Tinder or in the average meat market space.

DXBrigade · 2019-01-15T17:46:19+00:00

Honestly, the importance of hookup culture in our society is overrated even in college. A lot of people aren't into casual sex.

WhatIsTheMeaningHere · 2019-01-15T15:15:29+00:00

I see that it’s a big thing while dating, for another person to have sex with others until things are serious.

Mmm no it's not. That seems to be a weirdo thing I've recently learned about here on Reddit (only learned of this place last summer). This place is beyond fucked up for figuring out what's good and what's normal (or not) for dating.

People hate being involved with people who are screwing around and have no idea what they want from partners. I saw a survey about this to check my sanity and I was correct... it's literally one of the biggest dealbreakers for "normal" people (not pilled or some other weirdo people).

Just avoid those people and you're good. Obviously don't screw around yourself (that's a given).

It sounds like you just don't want to put out till you have a connection with someone, and that's fine, most guys aren't sex starved sexually "strategizing" douches. If they really like you (and you're actually likable) they'll wait till you've been on a handful of dates. Just don't expect them to stick around if you're still not feeling it after date 3-4, which should be plenty of time to find chemistry.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-01-15T15:08:20+00:00

Lol@women who claim they have "extreme sex drives" but "dont do this" and "dont do that"

People with extreme sex drives have "casual sex", what are you broads always lying for

CainPrice · 2019-01-15T14:26:37+00:00

So you're 22. You want to date men around your same age, I'd assume. Maybe a little older. You want the dating process to be romantic-only and non-sexual. But you also want the guy who's non-sexually dating you to be completely exclusive with you.

The kind of man that's going to exclusively date you and only you, promising you a relationship and genuine romance, without any sex for a potentially long period of time while you get over your ex (who you were very, very sexual with) isn't going to be the kind of man anybody would actually want to date or end up with.

If you're clear about what you're looking for - real dating versus just hooking up - and you hold out until the standard third date before sleeping with a guy, that's probably a reasonable compromise. You can't not have sex with a guy in his early to mid 20s and expect a guy who's attractive enough to get women to have sex with him to stick around exclusively but non-sexually dating you long-term because you're just so awesome.

flamingoinghome · 2019-01-15T15:45:32+00:00

Look, the internet would have you believe that dating is just this explosion of casual sex and people counting down the minutes until they can screw, and it's simply not true. There ARE people like that, but you don't...actually...have to date them?

There might be some signaling involved, but it's all the obvious stuff--don't agree to a first date that's "Netflix and Chill," maybe dress a little more conservatively in your dating app pics; state that you're looking to take this slow (you can even mention that you've just got out of a serious relationship). Date people you meet through friends, who already have a sense of what you're like. You'll be fine.

Scatre · 2019-01-15T15:22:48+00:00

I don't understand what you even want. You want a non-sexual, sexual relationship? Make friends if you want a non-sexual relationship.

HonestyOverCivility · 2019-01-15T14:51:50+00:00

A man who you have the fortitude to withhold sex from probably isn’t a man you’re all that attracted to in the first place (aka a beta) but he’ll probably commit to you.

Conversely the type of man you’re attracted to at an instinctual level is one you’ll eagerly have sex with right off the bat, but it’s doubtful a man of that caliber will want to commit to you when hookup culture has provided him with an all-you-can-fuck buffet

Dubslav_von_Chekem · 2019-01-15T16:36:43+00:00

If you're not giving a man sex, you're going to have to give him something else he wants.

Men who aren't interested in sex but who still want to deal with women for some ungodly reason? Family. Making a family.

Be wife material. What this entails depends on what kind of man you're going to try to fish for.

Or be a sugar momma.

And you don't have an extreme sex drive. If you don't want to have lots of sex, you don't have an extreme sex drive. Don't be stupid.

NullOverLoad · 2019-01-15T14:13:53+00:00

Just be yourself.

nemma88 · 2019-01-15T15:47:14+00:00

I see that it’s a big thing while dating, for another person to have sex with others until things are serious. I have a hard time with that, because I don’t try to talk to multiple people when finding a partner. Theres multiple posts here that talk about hookup culture and how men value it in college so I just want some perspective.

This isn't normal everywhere. I've dated enough I think and have never come across it. You can take on board what might be normal to some people and still do you.

Look for someone who meets your values - because that's who is valuable to you. Ignore anyone telling you your values should be elsewhere, they are projecting.

Edit; I'm not big on casual sex and closest I've ever got it was the guy who held out wanting the promise of a relationship first. I've dated guys who want to get right to it, guys who wanted to wait longer than me. In the real world, men are all over the place in their preferences too. What matters is you want them, and they want you.

beachredwhine · 2019-01-15T18:04:51+00:00

Lots of guys are like you. Lots of girls are like you as well.

To start with you need to define your goal with your next relationship. I assume you had no defined goals with your first one and you just fell until it in high school. So define your goals for your next one.

Do you want to get married? Have children? What kind of man do you want? A masculine one who makes decisions and takes responsibility for them? Or a reckless guy who is good at getting attention, but bad at taking responsibly? Some other combination?

Can't really offer you any advice unless I know what your goals are.

Just an ltr? I mean if that's the extent of your goals I could offer you some basic advice there.

EightyTimes · 2019-01-15T20:11:52+00:00

You weed out those people by being SUPER up-front about your situation.

Will you get turned down/rejected 90% of the time? Yes. That's you actively 'weeding out' all but the 10% you want so it's going to have to be an acceptable risk.

Best of luck.

Pm_me_socks_at_night · 2019-01-15T21:25:34+00:00

I sometimes have this problem and I'm a guy. I don't like hooking up and want to be dating at least a couple months (and know them much longer) before having sex. It seems at my college most girls are just interested in sex and I usually have to decline. It makes me feel like I'm missing out on potential good matches just because we have different time frames of when we want sex. If you're religious (I'm not though) then looking in those groups would probably find people who share those ideas. Also just clubs in general are probably good places to look.

Cristoff13 · 2019-01-15T21:55:16+00:00

She wants a "a masculine guy who takes responsibility" who is also willing to wait at least a couple years for sex (she strongly implies she's both waiting for marriage and yet that she's in no hurry to get married). She wants a male unicorn.

[deleted] · 2019-01-15T14:40:18+00:00

Date men through friendships I guess. It's tough because you'll have to bring up the courage/will to engage men at places other than the regular places (clubbing/disco/drink fests) but it'll eventually work.

Eastuss · 2019-01-15T15:01:30+00:00

I'm not sure to understand.

You want to wait until marriage? Or you want to take it slow? Or you don't want to be polysexual in the early stage of your relationship?

reluctantly_red · 2019-01-15T15:50:06+00:00

I have a extreme sex drive. And love to do acts.

If this is true the answer you seek is self-evident.

[deleted] · 2019-01-15T17:58:14+00:00

You want to be a wife, so act like one. You will have to accept that what you're looking for is difficult to find, especially if you're not religious.

WhatIsTheMeaningHere · 2019-01-15T20:55:50+00:00

The entire idea of waiting until marriage to have sex was for one to be a virgin at marriage. If you just decide to stop having sex and wait until marriage as a strategy, it just seems dumb. You've already been de-purified so just have whatever sex you want.

[deleted] · 2019-01-15T21:54:54+00:00

i think you just described myself, you and i are pretty similar. and im a man so yes we exist but i dont know if other guys are like me, i have a small group so i cant judge. i live in canada, im not sure if its different where you are but culture can have a impact, from what i understand many people here in my city too are into hook up culture so if you live in similar culture (post modernism) than yeah it can be hard, my advice is date a guy and figure out his goals and dreams. watch his actions and ask him what he wants, see if they align, if the type of guys you go for look like models maybe go for someone with a more unique look, never judge without getting to know someone is my motto.

shonenhikada · 2019-01-15T22:53:06+00:00

How to handle it:

First ground yourself and stop letting your ego get inflated by white knights and pink knights (females telling you how perfect you are)
Take a good honest look at yourself in the mirror and be aware of your relationship value. Write down on a piece of paper what you bring to a relationship and be honest with yourself if a man with options would be content with that.
Be aware that good looking men willing to have sex with you , date you short term and tell you how pretty you are does not actually mean they think that you are worth committing to. A lot of men will say and do anything if it means sex.
In terms of looks, date within 1 to 2 points either above you or below for relationship. So you a 5/10 then between 3/10 to 7/10
Try to have wife qualities that other women do not have in this generation such as nurturing qualities, ability to cook and clean.
Write down on piece of paper what qualities your looking for in a a partner and then write down what is minimum physical requirement your willing to work with on a guy.
Both you and your partner should in future should not be on any or few social media devices.

blackedoutfast · 2019-01-16T01:35:44+00:00

how hot are you, and are you willing to date lower SMV betaish dudes?

if you go after sexy alpha Chads, they're generally not going to want to date for a long time before having sex or to be exclusive right away. but if you find some more beta type guy who doesn't have an abundance of other options, you'll be able to make demands like that and he will probably happily go along with it

wtffellification · 2019-01-16T09:27:24+00:00

> I see that it’s a big thing while dating, for another person to have sex with others until things are serious

Yep, people are very opportunistic these days in a consumerist way, meaning they will try all options before settling down. In truth, these people are avoiding commitment at all costs, because it's easier, short term, not to commit. They believe richness and variety of experience comes from the outside exclusively

Sometimes this makes me feel as if I'm in the wrong, as if I should just 'shop around' a bit more and not be so rigid.. but then I remember, no, I am right. or at least not wrong. I am not gonna be a slut just because everyone around me seems to be

Since I can remember, I could focus on one thing and one thing at a time only; and some people would say this is a flaw, a curse; but I'm realising the opposite; I can actually focus my attention to something and not be distracted by other things. It's not so much an inability to do multitasking, it's an ability to do one task efficiently

my point is... not that I view relationships merely as a task... but when I meet a person who I like and whom I would like to spend more time with, that's it. I value quality over quantity, so one person is more than enough for me. But meeting this kind of person doesn't happen often to me, so when I do happen to find that person, I'm going to commit to them, as soon as I realise their awesomeness... but if they're not up for that, it's ok. I'm gonna say NEXT but sorry, I'm not gonna look behind my back and say "if you ever change your mind..." I also don't have a heart to lead people on just in case plan A doesn't work out for me. So there's that. If this all means I will be alone, so be it

LowCreddit · 2019-01-16T19:11:48+00:00

Make him wait. That is the secret sauce. It's age old because it works. A guy who isn't willing to wait a bit is only looking for a pump and dump. He finds you attractive enough to fuck but not attractive enough to stick around long term. If a guy is willing to wait, then that means you two are much closer in attractiveness to each other. This will help you ensure that there isn't too much imbalance in the relationship. I see too many women these days essentially throwing themselves at men who are way, way more attractive than them and these women become used and jaded. Don't be those women.

So how long do you make him wait? I say that the minimum is 4 dates at least. For men who get around, the rule of thumb is to dump her if she doesn't put out by the third date. You can avoid these men by waiting at least 4. If I was a woman, I would make men wait for at least long enough to know them well enough to decide whether or not they are long term material.

Another thing I will throw out there since you are 22. Marriage is a race. All the good candidates are marrying or dating their future marriage partner at your age. Waiting until your mid to late twenties to become serious is a mistake. Prince Charming isn't going to find you on your 25th birthday in order to date for two years, marry at 27, and have your 2 kids before 30. You have to find someone marriageable who is around your level of attractiveness, kidnap him in a marriage sack, and drag him to the altar. This is very, very hard these days. The later you start, the harder it is. The last thing you want is to try to marry in your 30's. All the single people in their 30's are leftovers who are so jaded and set in their ways that only the terror of dying alone motivates them to do anything about it.

Rawrringg · 2019-01-21T05:39:53+00:00

If he leaves after pressuring you for sex and not getting it, the honest truth is that he wasn't planning on sticking around anyway.

Plus, men in their 20s rarely have their sh*t together, are generally looking to mess around, and don't want to give up their freedom or settle down.

Your target demographic would probably be men over 33, and specifically in areas where the male-female ratio is in your favor.

If you have enough male dating options, then you'll realize that if a man pressures you to put out, you can drop him and there will be plenty of other men you can date who aren't so douchey. Look at the percentage of males to females on online dating apps. There are way more males, and most men are unsuccessful. Anyway, when you think about it from the male perspective (men dumping women if the woman pressures him for commitment but feeling perfectly okay for using her for a one-night stand), there's no need to feel guilty about dropping men if they pressure you for sex.

Keep your standards. Dropping your standards, looking desperate, and looking to men to validate you is the perfect recipe for getting yourself used/pumped and dumped for a short-term fling. Look up the TRP definition of "plate." You really don't want to be that woman.

Also, red pill men have an agenda of making it seem like women must do this or that. So honestly you'd probably do best avoiding getting advice from forums where red pill men tend to congregate.

CatchPhraze · 2019-01-15T14:46:52+00:00

Don't plan on being exclusive with a man from the jump. You want to take sex slow he's got a right to take comitment slow.

Do make sure you have that comitment before you have sex. Trps act like all men are sluts and they really aren't. Lots of guys will call you back for a forth date if you don't sleep with them.

As for the "nobody you'd want to date" bit, who wants to date a man slut who's probably got a big serving of issues like they are. You aren't missing the cream of the crop with this lot.

Just remember that genuinely good men are taken as you get older. So don't wait to long to get back in.

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exit_sandman · 2019-01-15T15:33:18+00:00

I saw a post on Instagram of a woman asking if it’s possible to date without sex, and a guy responded saying yes as long as he gets sex somewhere else?

What did she mean by that? "Dating" as in "let's start by going on dates without immediately fucking" or "can I have an extended dating life without having to spread my legs, eew"?

Christian_Kong · 2019-01-15T16:38:25+00:00

Theres plenty of guys willing to wait. The guys who get a lot of action(your most attractive ones and smooth talkers) will most likely not. I can't really tell you how to navigate that though, since you can always run into liars/manipulators. Your best bet is to date within your circle of friends and try to stay away from the online dating. I know that is hard, but it's easier to fake who you are in the online dating scene.

reluctantly_red · 2019-01-15T17:29:24+00:00

If you are still a virgin after a 5 year relationship, I would imagine that you could find men willing to wait for marriage.

If you've already had sex but want to not have it again until you're married: well, Ciara got Russell Wilson to wait I think. Become Ciara?

slavicgypsygirl · 2019-01-15T18:47:59+00:00

I enjoy dating & my advice is always look cute, have fun, leave when you want to :)

whitetrashcarl · 2019-01-15T19:50:29+00:00

If you can go without sex without being mentally distraught or unable to focus on anything else , then you do not have an “extreme” sex drive. If you can forego sex, you do not have an extreme sex drive

[deleted] · 2019-01-15T16:14:06+00:00

I’ve felt like there was something wrong with me and not liking hookup culture.

I’m not big on casual sex. I have a extreme sex drive.

the two are polar opposites. you have a normal female sex drive, governed by social norms. You don't need to say you have anything else. You don't need to do anything else.

Title	Dating in Hookup Culture, how to handle this?
Author	yoyo01323
Upvotes	16
Comments	181
Date	January 15, 2019 2:11 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ag8vlv/dating_in_hookup_culture_how_to_handle_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/dating-in-hookup-culture-how-to-handle-this.257817 https://theredarchive.com/post/257817