A Life Of Happiness, Part 3: The Presence Desideratum

Happiness is a mirage: it brings hope to the desolate but eludes those who seek it.

Happiness isn’t something that we can achieve by itself. What we have to do, and what I hope to enlighten you to, is how to craft your reality and practice certain habits to bring about happiness. It isn’t something that you can will yourself to be, nor is it something tangible that you can point to exactly. Happiness is a state–transient and elusive. Yet it is essential to our very survival. And apart from constant growth, and personal freedom, happiness can only be achieved through the practice of presence.

So What Is Presence?

I’ve written about it briefly before, but I shall explore deeper into the concept of presence. If you talk to different people, the concept has very different meanings to each individual. Yet there are general characteristics which underlie “presence” and these can be split into two camps: extrapresence, and intropresence.

Extrapresence

It’s something you can see in someone’s eyes when you first meet them–how alive they look. One thing I find that is lacking in most people is intensity and focus. I would admit, I am an extremely lazy person. I would rather laze around and do nothing all day, and procrastinate on important things. However, at some point you have to gather yourself and dust your ass. You have to do things. Nothing comes for free. Realize that there is no end to achievement, but don’t let that halt your ambition. Stagnation is death of the soul.

In the social world, extrapresence is magnetism. You will notice that charismatic people have a certain intensity to them. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they are hyper-expressive (though that is a common physical manifestation of it). Imagine a character like James Bond–how he walks into a room and commands attention; how he speaks with confidence and sureness that draws people in. That is extrapresence. It is the state of being fully present and alive. Watch Kobe Bryant on the court, or Tony Robbins when he speaks, or Eminem when he is on stage. Some call it fire, others call it passion. It is the moment when all of life’s bullshit fades away and your only concern is with the now.

Extrapresence is related to masculine energy. It is like the ship that cuts through the waves to get to its destination. It is the crux of seduction. It is primal. Just imagine the charming smirk of the playboy that melts the hearts of women–that is extrapresence.

Intropresence

Intropresence is the flip side of the coin. It is meditation. It is calmness. It is introspection and reflection. Your body and mind contracts. It is not laziness; you are still aware of your surroundings. You are just in a higher state of consciousness. There is only you in your reality. Your mind contracts inwards and paradoxically into a whole new universe of unimaginable possibilities. You feel as though you are one with the world. You are free from worry; free from concern.

When interacting with people, you are centered in the midst of chaos. People feel at peace with you. They find that they can connect with you on a deep level. This is intropresence. When everyone else is worried, your mind is still. It is not empty–thoughts flow through, but you do not grasp on to that which is not important. You understand the fleeting nature of everything. Just like extrapresence, you are alive–but it’s different. Intropresence is refreshing where extrapresence drains you. It is the foundation of building deep rapport with people. You listen with genuine interest and a non-judgmental attitude. It is like water: flowing and free.

How Does It Help You?

We all cycle between extreme motivation and rest. This is what RSDTyler calls “expansion” and “contraction”. As mentioned in the previous articles in the series, growth and freedom is the foundation of happiness. Presence is the key to achieving the two. Using the boat analogy once more, if you merely focus on extrapresence and neglect intropresence, it is equivalent to rowing the oars on the left side only. The vessel moves, but it is going in circles and it will tire you out–ultimately achieving nothing. But alternate between bouts of extreme intensity and the highest introspection and you will propel your ship forward.

In the pursuit of ambition, relying on inspiration is not enough. Octavia E. Butler says that “First forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you’re inspired or not. Habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won’t. Habit is persistence in practice.”

Inspiration comes in moments of contraction. It is the cumulation of your knowledge and experience rising to your conscious mind. Our brains take in more information that we can process, and most of these get stored in the subconscious until intropresent moments. However, to rely on this to achieve success is not enough. Habit, which is doing even when you don’t feel like it, is extrapresence. It is capitalizing on your inspiration and making it tangible. You can’t have one without the other.

Habit without inspiration is rote; inspiration without habit is unfulfilled.

Put It Into Practice

  • 1. Plan Your Days

Set aside alone time to think. This is why great men exalt the virtue of meditation. It is the fuel for creativity. Creativity which you will then put to action. Set aside time to practice. It is commonly said that guys who are introduced to game take about three years of devouring information without doing. Then they take two more years of practice to get good at it. This was exactly what my path was like. But you can subvert the extremely lengthy learning curve by doing both concurrently and getting the most out of it. Plan your days and stick to it. Procrastination is fine, but laziness is not. No matter what it is, always be working towards your goals.

That being said, rest is the most important part of intropresence. You hear stories of people receiving revelations in their dreams or when they least expect it. That is because when you are resting, your mind has the time to sort out everything and put your knowledge in order.

  • 2. Surround Yourself With Like-minded People

Just a few nights ago I was having beers with my friends and we talked about our life journey thus far. MC said that it’s interesting how even though he, Scar, and I have different personalities, perspectives, and ambitions, we can still journey together. This made me realize how important it is to surround yourself with like-minded people. Scar is someone I respect for being highly motivation, perhaps to a fault. He is one of the most hardworking people I know, and even I get lazy, just watching him push through pain periods inspires me.

MC on the other hand, motivates me as well, but in a different way. His optimism and energy drives me when I feel down. He’s always relaxed and doesn’t take shit too seriously most of the time. Without him, I would have spiraled into depression a long time ago. It is precisely both of them that keep me on my toes and going. Without one, I will most definitely shift too far into either extrapresence or intropresence.

  • 3. Don’t Resist

The core principle of presence is awareness. Resistance causes unhappiness. Worry is the antithesis of presence. If Kobe Bryant took his troubles to the court, he will most definitely fumble the ball and lose the game. Likewise, someone who is constantly worried will not be at peace. Focus on what’s in front of you (extrapresence), let go of worries and just let them pass through your mind (intropresence), and you will most certainly achieve a state of happiness.


Be the man who commands attention through exuding an aura. A man’s presence speaks louder than his words. It is more powerful in the art of seduction than any other tip or technique you will find out there.