Advice for (male) very late bloomer?

NoSleepZone · 2014-12-15T10:35:02+00:00

Congrats, it seems like you are doing it right now. Especially that you figured out that some weight lifting is not enough and got into boxing / MMA as well. Excellent choice, as that probably changes your mind more than the weights do, or let's put it this way, they work together synergically. Just keep the right mindset: it is not primarily about learning to hit people, it is about learning to be hit and yet keeping going - it is not as much as about domination as about fortitude, courage, dealing with hardship, and the self-respect that grows out from that.

First of all missing out on a decade of personal interaction is not really a big deal - very often it happens with people inside a relationship, often an overly clingy SO isolates a person from their social circle, binding them to always stay at home and only interact with them etc. it is not healthy but happens a lot. You are not in a much worse position.

My advice would be to work on expanding your social circle and social experience mostly. Join Toastmasters, an absolute must for socially inexperienced people! And find similar clubs/activities.

An unrelated note, but look closer into whether a business school is a good idea. It really depends on your location, prior experience etc. For me and for a lot of people I know it was not really a good choice. We graduated about 12 years ago and could not easily find jobs because corporations were looking for people who can do things, like engineers. Business school grads knew all kinds of stuff from economics to statistics but could not do things, most of things we learned was useful for managers, but we were too inexprienced to be a manager. But we were 21 years old. The issue was that the business school is a manager school basically. If you are 28 and have job experience and you think there are openings in managing that kind of job and a business school degree helps in those then do it. Having previous experience and knowing how to do a job and learning to manage it at business school is a good combo.

fizolof · 2014-12-15T06:35:04+00:00

I mean, the big thing here is that you shouldn't view yourself as damaged for missing out on dating when you were younger. Self-acceptance is good to a point, and, while you seem to be working on yourself, accepting your past for what it is and realizing you aren't that person anymore allows you to let go of it. I wouldn't say just go out and sleep with a bunch of random chicks unless you really want to though. If your heart isn't into it, you won't find it rewarding (i.e. you have to want casual sex to truly enjoy it, just as you have to want a relationship to make the most of it).

My other bit of advice is this. As far as your inexperience goes, if someone looks down on it for some reason, prove them wrong by showing why you are an awesome person who values themselves. At some point, history doesn't matter if you show that you are an awesome person in spite of your past. If a woman is not willing to accept that your past is what it is, I would say it's definitely fine to see if you can do better, since someone like that is looking down on you for your history.

TL;DR: I wouldn't worry about making up for lost time so much as just allowing yourself to live in the now without the burden of your past (which does seem to be a problem)

Edit: As an aside, there is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer imo. All it means is that you needed more time to understand yourself, and that is perfectly fine.

[deleted] · 2014-12-15T10:02:53+00:00

You can absolutely have great relationships starting at 28. Honestly, I think you need to be in your 20s to have the maturity to learn anything about relationships, and once you have that maturity you can learn pretty much everything in a few years. Most of what I learned is what I want from a relationship (self discovery) and a repertoire of cutesy and not so cutesy stuff to keep her happy.

Especially if you are aware of the need to learn, and are on the trajectory you have set yourself on. Also, there is no 'right' way to have a relationship. You set the rules for yourselves between the two of you, and no one else needs to exist in that space.

myfatbrokethewall · 2014-12-15T07:02:01+00:00

I was really surprised by my results. I dated a young woman, who I met through a mutual friend, who is probably a 7 or an 8 in the looks range (by NYC standards) for several dates. I've had women reciprocate interest when I approach in bars and actually had women initiate with me and "use lines" (or at least their introduction came off as a pick-up line), all 6+. Had an attractive 19 year old get very flirty with me (which hilariously seemed to rile some older female friends of mine). This is all mostly in the last 6 months or so. I'm not drowning in women, but the relative ease with which I've been able to maintain some modicum of attraction over time with some hot girls has legitimately shocked me.

I haven't lost my V-card though. The 7/8 I mentioned made it crystal clear that she looked down on men with a low partner count as someone to be very suspect about. This came in the form of advice she gave to a friend of hers, which I overheard, regarding a guy who was actually more experienced than me but still relatively inexperienced. She was a bit cruel about it and basically dissuaded her from being with him. I know it wasn't aimed at me but it struck me with anxiety and I basically stopped pursuing her without giving much of a reason why. That really made me question what was possible for me in life.

Why did something that one young woman said affect you this way? She is just one person. For all you know, she might not be all that attached to her opinions about inexperienced guys and all it would take to change her mind would be one attractive and masculine guy without prior sexual experience.

ArkiF · 2014-12-15T23:14:45+00:00

So you haven't had sexual experience, but you're sure to have had a lot of experiences you couldn't have had if you'd been in LTR etc.

Go forth and do whatever you want to do. Keep improving. And a girl doesn't need to know your past. She just doesn't. If she asks, you say you don't talk about your past.

(Do stop rating women from 1-10. Don't become a jerk.)

GridReXX · 2014-12-15T09:09:59+00:00

You'll be fine. Some good advice on this thread already.

I'll reiterate. Stop caring what people think.

Also on you being 5'6.

Men are lucky in that women on average or naturally shorter than most men.

I'm 5'7 and 60% of my female friends are between 5'0 and 5'4. And they've all dated men around your height.

OccamsRaiser · 2014-12-15T15:59:14+00:00

Non-TRPer here. I guess you could call me TBP, though assigning a colored pill to your perspective on sex and dating is just silly to me.

When it comes down to it, some women are just going to assume the sex will be bad or awkward because it's your first time. That's probably due to personal experience, or the anecdotes of others. They may remember awkward high school sex, or a guy whose v-card they took who got very clingy afterward. That's just how it is, regardless of whether or not that accurately describes you.

I don't think you're obligated to be totally forthright that it'll be your first time, but I don't see an issue with letting the woman know that it may take some getting used to for you.

I'm the type of guy who usually has trouble the first few times with a new girl. I overthink, get a little self-conscious, have trouble letting go and a lot of times, it's hard for me to finish (or in some cases, even get started). After five or six overnights, I'm typically comfortable enough that it stops being a problem permanently.

My solution has been to be pretty honest that the first few times probably won't be impressive. I tell the women that I'm the type of person who gets more comfortable as I learn more and more what they like when it comes to sex, so there's a bit of a learning curve.

I have no doubt that some women would bail after this conversation, but surprisingly, many of them are totally on board with the process. I've done this six or seven times and each girl has been very happy to stick around long enough for things to get good, so it can definitely be a good strategy.

You might want to explain to the girl that you find you need a little bit of practice before things get good. Given the fact that it'll be your first, it's probably an honest assessment. And if they're not on board, don't get upset. They just happen to be looking for something that you can't offer.

[deleted] · 2014-12-15T08:15:32+00:00

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CausalDiamond · 2014-12-15T07:05:52+00:00

There is no easy solution. You can get the veritable monkey off your back but that won't make up for the lack of psychosexual development. You're stuck in a conditioned and self-imposed state that you are "beta" and "omega." It's difficult to snap out of it. I would know. I had a promising start in the romantic/sexual realm, only to devolve significantly and have struggled to reverse the course. The term I see used a lot, and applies most appropriately is "inner game." That is what you and I lack. It is like anything, it has to be trained and developed before it becomes a default state. First, get the monkey off your back, experience sex so that you can stop thinking about it like some transcendental act. Just see it for what it is, a pleasurable physical act that won't profoundly change your life. Once you see the ordinary in it, the veil is lifted and it becomes a thing amongst other things. You will then become naturally more at ease. A good analogy is someone's mentality before a big performance. The rookie will be thinking "everything hinges on this" and they will overweigh its importance. Now, someone who has already performed will view the performance as part of a regular routine and won't be as affected by nerves.

SirNemesis · 2014-12-15T06:12:27+00:00

It's not even really about being a virgin anymore. The obvious suggestion is to go to a professional to get it over with. Even if I did so, it wouldn't change the fact that I missed out on a decade+ of interpersonal relationships. How do you overcome that kind of a gap? I don't think you can "fake it til you make it" when you're lacking that much. I can sense almost intuitively that most women are still on a different level than me when it comes to experience and expectations. It makes me feel "broken" and it seems disingenuous to pursue women, when I know they'd be turned the hell off if they knew about my omega past.

If I were in your place I'd be doing all I could to make up for lost time. It sounds like you could lose your virginity to one of these girls if you wanted to (they wouldn't know you're a virgin until you start having sex with them).

meehan666 · 2014-12-15T07:38:33+00:00

Yeah the main thing holding you back is how much you care and put stock into what other people think. What you need now is an IDGAF vibe. Do what needs to be done to close with one of those women. Keep her along until you find someone better and then move on. You will find that running your notch count up is a great way to stop feeling anxiety about your ability to perform. Also what is this about making up for lost time? You still have some good years left man. For women, in general, they start to panic around your age trying to lock someone down. Use this to your advantage; feign genuine interest until you are bored of her, and then again, move on. You will find that after doing this for a few years, the experience difference between you and them will have dissipated. And then, if you want, you can focus on locating and locking down a quality woman. With all the experiences you had accumulated by that point, you will know what you want, know how to get it, and won't give in to the pressure to settle for less. GL.

cxj · 2014-12-15T08:06:58+00:00

Sounds like you're on the right track. I'll offer a plan to improve your confidence: get into a fwb/LTR with a girl you feel comfortable with. She does not have to be a 10. Or even an 8. A 6 who feels good to cuddle with and who does not shit test too hard would be fine. Get some practice banging her until you feel confident enough to branch out. Do not let yourself get too emotionally involved. This relationship, whatever the context is, should not last more than 3-4 months tops. Just bang her on the reg until you feel ready to move on.

And TBH, I've never known anyone in any situation ever who managed "long term happiness." I've known wise, hardened players who were just as miserable as the WoW playing virgins, but not as miserable as the married/LTR betas slaving away fruitlessly to make their woman happy.

Happiness doesn't exist imo. Pleasure exists. Pain exists. Therefore, incentives exist. Pursue yours as best you can, just don't expect there to be a point where the euphoria takes over and you are at peace with the world or whatever. Anyone who tries to promise you this is lying and trying to exploit you.

SquidwardsEuphoria · 2014-12-15T19:30:53+00:00

TRP has a lot to offer and obviously it has helped you do better with women.

As for your partner count, I actually consider a low partner count a good thing for men. A high partner count freaked me out when I was single. I'd suggest just not telling anyone you're a virgin. They don't need to know.

Where I depart from TRP is the whole anti-monogamy, never-trust-a-woman thing. If you want a family someday, forget that whole aspect of it. Yes, marriage is risky for many reasons but so is avoiding companionship and spending your life drunk with prostitutes.

[deleted] · 2014-12-15T11:55:17+00:00

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Title	Advice for (male) very late bloomer?
Author	NoSleepZone
Upvotes	9
Comments	62
Date	December 15, 2014 6:02 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/2pc2z9/advice_for_male_very_late_bloomer/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/advice-for-male-very-late-bloomer.284101 https://theredarchive.com/post/284101