Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and this section. I have been reading a lot about the red pill, about the feminine and masculine nature, and I have been a “spectator” for a long time and now I have the courage to create an account and ask for advice and help.

Buckle up because this will be a fairly long post... (and yes, I using a translate because I speak dutch)

I am a 27 year old woman and as she says in the title, I have been trying since I was 21 to be a good traditional and submissive woman, kind and beautiful, but all those attempts have failed terribly and lately I have been despairing….

I always, since I have memory, that I have set feet on this world, considered myself a “strong female” but…. I could say that in the feminist and Marxist sense of the word, and it is curious because I have always had a visceral aversion to feminism.

  • I am very assertive and direct.
  • I have a taste and inclination to control the situation and be the center of attention, sometimes absolute.
  • I am more logical than emotional, but this can perfectly change course very easily and I will explain it below.
  • I have a very strong character and tend to discipline and order of things, sometimes I can be hurtful and hard.
  • Yes, I am dominant and proactive. I have a natural inclination to get closer to people, to make them feel things and to give more than to receive.

Anyway, the list goes on.

The problem is this: for more than six years, I have begun to feel more admiration for the figure of the traditional, sensitive, warm and submissive woman, compared to my family model, because yes, this comes from family. And this is because I see them and say they are happier than me, they are better than me and they are earning more than me, and they have more virtues than me. Since men love and care for them. And that is what I have always wanted from a man: to feel valued, loved and precious.

That is why I decided to follow that beautiful path of submission and trust to a dominant and masculine man ... ... and I have not been able to achieve it for more than 6 years, I am not fucking ....

I have serious problems that make me feel horrible and totally despised, and they are the mistakes above. I have always had the perception that I as a woman should approach a man and woo him, when it should not be so. I tend to always be the spark of all interaction, and I really like to impress and see how they react to my actions, and that they fill them and make them happy ... ... but I don't want it to be that way anymore, I feel horrible.

That is a problem, this is another: You see, it is not difficult for me to get men, I have even been a girlfriend with alphas. I have said that I have a character and a discipline of the devil that I am very cruel, but the thing is that I am like that with women, but with men I am something totally different. I am kind, patient, cute, playful, charismatic and even fun. I like to make him laugh, I LOVE him, I love to cook him and he loves my food, I love to hug him, and the core of my happiness is to see his smile and his interaction with me, knowing that he is happy with me. I am very affectionate, I love serving him and making him happy, that he is happy makes me even happier. Unlike the traditional and submissive woman, I am the proactive (I have already said above) yes, I approach him, I look for him and I pursue him. Most of the time he likes it, I buy him gifts, I MAKE HAND GIFT, I give him flowers (the flowers are beautiful) and many other things. I never want to make stupid problems, I don't want fights with him, I don't want discord, I just want harmony and happiness. That always happens in the short term of my relationships, and they praise me and love me for that ... But things get complicated when the relationship progresses.....

Contrasting everything above, I am the singing voice of the relationship. I make decisions most of the time, if I try hard I earn too much money, I control finances, I work, and I always take the lead. This used to bother many of my ex-boyfriends, especially alphas. I do this for what I explained above, I like to surprise Him. Yes, sometimes I say "My treasure, my baby, where do you want to go today?" Giving him the opportunity to decide. I like that, but I like to give it mystery and surprise it. The problem is that I always take the lead, and he feels "intimidated", he doesn't feel that he is "the man of the relationship" and he doesn't like that. I also dislike that since I dislike that He feels bad. I always made excuses that I love him and that's why I do this, but now I see the logic and dynamics of the sexes, and really, I can understand. I would like to give him the leadership, but this makes it's difficult me to HELL, I don't know what to do, I love to give him my love, my abilities and impress him, but I hate that he feels bad and disgusted by this, for not having leadership and mastery in the relationship. I eat myself inside, but no more for the following:

There is another one even bigger and it is probably the root of the whole problem and my “kryptonite”...… I am the protector. Yes, since I have memory I am attached to this role, I must be the one who sacrifices herself, the one who hurts herself, the one who is hurt “for him”, and the one who protects him. This is a GREAT problem, because it has destroyed me a lot with my relationships and is in fact, the main cause of them leaving me, because yes, I never abandon a boyfriend, THEY do it. It has already happened several times, I was almost ready to die to save him. I am obsessed with his life, to get him as far away as possible from the grip of death, I care more about him than myself. This especially destroys them. It takes away their natural role of protectors. There are times where my ex-s have had to go out at night, and I demand that they forget it or that I accompany them. This is annoying for them.

I am (well, I was) quite strong, I have always been training and gaining muscle strength, in turn I am heavy/robust and I have even female curves, I am very tall (1.87), so protecting him would not be a problem, but IT'S is a problem now I see, because now I know that it is not my duty and is counterproductive.

This drives away the men I loved, because of how I am, and I feel horrible, BUT I CANNOT AVOID IT AND THIS SAME DESTROY ME. I love him so much, so deeply that I feel that I must immolate myself in his name, that he is more important than me. I always wear those excuses, and now I have these internal fights, where I know I am wrong, but my soul tells me that I should not listen to it.

I admire so much the traditional woman, so submissive that she doesn't have these characteristics, that they make her men happy without getting so complicated. That is why I want to be submissive, but it is difficult for me to be submissive, it is difficult for me to give up my leadership, and it is difficult like odyssey for me in NOT being the protector.

The fault of all this I think has been my family. This is familiar as I said, my family is not dysfunctional, on the contrary, it is quite harmonious and happy, but it is not normal from what I see, and now I realize. I grew up in a rural environment, surrounded by nature, my Mother adopts and has always adopted the role of hunter and provider, while my Dad is the "householder". My Dad is a man full of goodness, love and wisdom. I loved him, it was heaven for me on earth. He is a patient, warm, hardworking and a simple man. He has taken care of me throughout my childhood and has watched over me in my teens. My Mother has instead been a role model for me until 6 years ago, before my decision to change. It has been very hard, disciplined and rustic. Her word was strong, proactive and a "very strong woman." She taught me, along with her relatives and the women of my family, to have strength, courage and be braveness, and in turn, they taught me to love men, to adore and protect them. The root of my extremist spirit is for them. But a long time ago I moved away from them and decided to live in the city, with a more civilized and less wild life. My Mother told me not to do it, to stay with them and not to approach civilized people, since "I will pay the consequences."

Now I can see that, really, I have been brainwashed, and they did their job very well. Because of them I can't have a normal life, I can't be in the long term with men, nor with normal women, and that's another one, because I always demand that women do dirty work, in which they should get their hands dirty. Now I know that they hate it and that I promised me that he would never do it again, but it did not happen, I always have that impulse, to demand them, to intimidate and impose myself, as when I demand myself to protect my man. I don't know how to control all this, like being a normal woman, a traditional and feminine woman (because for me those are normal and healthy women, not feminist sows or career women, much less women in my family) and that's why I need help.

I'm complexed with this and I don't know what more to do to change, to be more feminine, to be receptive, submissive and not given to risk or "self-destruction." I want to change, I don't want to make excuses but my heart and soul slow me down, make me complex and make me despise myself, and even more so when I decided for years to stop training, to exercise, and now my muscles are weak, vulnerable, so to be more feminine (AND I FEEL GUILTY AND HORRIBLE FOR THAT WHEN I SHOULD NOT!)

I am beginning to hate my family, for washing my brain, for making me live in such a miserable way, of having masculinized myself so deeply that it becomes difficult for me to be purely feminine and just female. Even more when I told them this and they answered me. My Mother told me, explicitly:

“You are a crawling crap, I warned you not to interact with the “foreign people”, with the stupid and affeminate civilized rats and you refused, you are fool and stubborn. You made your Dad cry, and I cannot forgive you, if you want to be a woman of low rank and inferior then do it, destroy yourself, you are cursed, sooner or later you will walk in the shit and you will become a monster. Don't look at my face again, don't beg again, because if you come back, then all that awaits you is quick death. You will die slowly now, and I will not grieve for losing you, I do not feel sorry for the weak and sick women, and I hope that our Gods will do everything possible so that you do not reproduce.”

I need help, I want to have children especially, which as they saw my Mother does not want (it is an evil and cold amoral person for what you saw), but I can not if I am an androgynous and amorphous monster with two heads. I want to be just a woman, I want to be female. I want advice on how to stop being like that. I am crying for just trying (crying is good, right?), I want a man of high value that will last, with whom to start a family and have beautiful children.