I'm having a hard time accepting that we really are alone, how to deal with fact that most people (even friends) dont have your back?

seducter · 2019-10-25T00:29:00+00:00

I used to feel the same but had an epiphany: if people don’t give a shit about you, then you are completely free to do whatever you want. As soon as I realized this, I started goin to clubs alone, exploring the city, day gaming etc. and the more I did it, the more confident and comfortable in my skin I became. And guess what, people started to gravitate to me, inviting me out etc. You are coming from a place of neediness by “being such a good friend”, which turns people off on a subconscious level, but if it comes from a place of abundance, it is very attractive.

spos909 · 2019-10-25T00:07:05+00:00

Bro keep working on yourself and your mission. You will find like minded souls. You might need to work on yourself to become more magnetic and compelling. Not in a fake way, those things come as side effects of working on your emotional/social skills.

When you do that, you can create more reciprocal relationships. It also sounds like you might be using ‘being a good friend’ i.e texting/checking in with these people to try and make them like you. If you are, you should stop this inauthentic behaviour, it might be pushing them away. You shouldn’t need to ‘check in’ with people for them to appreciate you - I think strong bonds are usually more about laughing/joking or shared interests than stuff like that.

tyronethejabrone · 2019-10-25T01:32:14+00:00

Stop getting in your feelz, do your own thing, and live life.

I’m always wishing the best for others but I’m not one to keep up with people too well.

Doesn’t mean I value a friendship any less.

Just means I’m different than you.

Like, I really like being distant. It gives any interaction I have that much more value and meaning.

notsellingjeans · 2019-10-25T02:52:09+00:00

things to consider doing solo:

Reading in a public area (library or coffee shop or bookstore)

Exercising in a gym

Volunteering time at a hospital, shelter, or with kids (youth coaching, mentor program).

Go to a dance club (not a bar - a club, doesn’t matter what the persuasion or clientele is) if you actually like to dance.

Run a 5k race or do a walk for a cause that’s important to you (Alzheimer’s, etc)

These are individual healthy self-improvement things that naturally build self-confidence and authentically keep you around other people with the same interests. You don’t have to interact with anyone at these places. Simply going and authentically doing the thing (dancing, volunteering, reading, lifting) will make you feel less lonely than texting will. Don’t go with the goal of meeting anyone - go with the goal of doing this thing that you enjoy.

Good luck on your journey. Many people have been in your spot.

thrwy75479 · 2019-10-25T01:14:36+00:00

There are takers, matchers, and givers.

You seem like a giver. Giving, in and of itself, is not the issue, since, based on research by Adam Grant (dude in the video), it seems that givers can end up at the top of the hierarchy.

In your case, give people the benefit of doubt, at least for a while. When people don't notice what you're doing for them, it's not necessarily because they don't care about you as a person. It could be because they have a different value system.

As an example, they may see more value in giving and receiving money, than in asking how someone is doing. They wouldn't notice your gesture until they weren't doing well, at which point their wellness would become a priority. This would especially be the case when you're young because in those years, for most people, health is taken for granted. Everyone feels like they'll live forever.

Of course, you don't want to be a doormat, and would also like to receive what you value (attention, money, love, etc.). The issue then, again, is not giving, rather it's the targets of your giving. It may happen naturally, but you should strive to be around other people who are also givers, or matchers, with similar value systems, so that your contributions are recognized, and don't go unnoticed.

Finally, you should control your giving by limiting, and prioritizing. Limit how much you give so that you're not stretched too thin, and prioritize giving by first taking care of yourself and what you have to do.

KillaJewels · 2019-10-25T10:26:39+00:00

Do you. Friends come and go, so don't sweat it. Sometimes you gotta next em just like girls. Especially the toxic ones, which tend to sneak up on you.

boofboimac · 2019-10-25T04:45:13+00:00

Hate to break it to ya man but everything in this life is based off value; if you don’t have value then no one will associate with you. If you hit people up via text and they don’t ever hit you up then that means they couldn’t care less about you or your opinions. It’s the hard truth but it is what it is, what I advise is to love yourself fully, build a rotation and stay lowkey.

Scorsone · 2019-10-25T07:17:41+00:00

Become self-sufficient. Autarky the hell out of your life.

You can’t architect Rome over night, but you can sketch a blueprint and chip away at it. The process of doing it is the crucial part, because once you reach independence in one area, you’ll feel lost and possibly alone again. That’s because reaching your goal is the ultimate failure of human drive and persistence.

Simply put the more you have the more you want. A poor man wants to get rich, whereas a king wants to rule the world.

FrozenTreeStump · 2019-10-24T22:17:18+00:00

You need some hobbies if this is an issue for you

strainer123 · 2019-10-25T01:52:36+00:00

The few people that actually care for you are family, and I mean close family, cousins most of the times don't give a fk about you either, sometimes brothers hate eachother, mothers resent their kids, you rarely have a real relationship in this life, its sad but true.

svenfromaccounting · 2019-10-25T02:19:43+00:00

same shit here little buddy. It irked me for years.

mechcoder598 · 2019-10-25T02:58:23+00:00

The question is do you have your own back? When shit hits the fan, can you handle it with maturity rather than panicking, do you have that state of mind? Once you have that (if you don’t already) keep a high standard of people who you hang-out with. If you think a certain someone is not giving you the respect and trust you deserve, you simply move on and stop investing in them emotionally. If they start investing in you only then you do the same.

Treatscatscrave · 2019-10-25T05:22:29+00:00

During college I worked for a spell as an auxiliary nurse in a psychiatric hospital. An absolute education in how little people care about each other. I mean I was paid to care but I'm talking about so-called family and friends.

My tip is to socialise and be kind to others if you can but don't take friendship too seriously.

Better to have 20 acquaintances who you help out and vice versa than one so-called friend. It's naff as fuck, anyway, the notion of ' best friends' in men. That shit's for women.

Whatever, I don't think it possible for anyone to make a bigger mistake than a guy I know who made a married guy and a single woman who he KNEW were having an affair his best friend and girlfriend!!

Naturally, when the gloss of his dick got dull she returned to the married guy and of course it was easy as the three of them hung out all the time!

neverskiplegday1 · 2019-10-25T02:37:27+00:00

Everyone else’s comments here are pretty spot on. For me personally, while it is hard and sometimes we just need a bit of support, I do find it empowering in a way. I feel that it’s up to me to ensure I’m doing/getting/being what I really want, which pushes me to take action and be better. That way I’m fully in control. Keep doing you, but most importantly, take care of you.

kingofclubsmorde · 2019-10-25T08:05:43+00:00

You are giving a vibe that you dont have a life. Stop it immediatelly. You should avoid showing this to both genders because the outcome is the same.

Benny757 · 2019-10-25T13:19:19+00:00

Here's a thing you will learn in life. Nobody really has your back but you. As you describe above, I think you are sliding into "nice guy" blue pill thinking. Beware of that covert contract thing. You doing what you perceive to be nice things doesn't create the necessity that others will treat you back in the same way, or in a fashion which you think you are entitled to. The general rule for sound advice is that you should just be good to people. Generally, people will treat you good as well.

Friendship. Now that's a funny thing. You will find in life that you will truly have very few truly great friends that will have your back. Keep traveling down the road of expectations, and you will have even fewer, if any.

Accept that you have your back first and foremost. Be good. Go, do and be.

YouWannaPutMoneyOnIt · 2019-10-25T02:41:29+00:00

I noticed that you have to find people who are going to stay true to themselves and then figure out who they are and recognize your relationship from the point of “this is what happens if I do this, they do that if this happens”

Just like if you stop your end of the bargain the chicks gonna leave, find a group of friends are who personally invested into their own goals who also match your goals. If you’re of value to them they’ll want to keep you around as you should want to keep valuable people in your own life. If you both stay true to yourselves in that respect then you’ll both realize having a friend who has your back is more important than x, y, or z, and you want betray each other.

You need to have high value make friends to shit around with.

Well you don’t “need” but you’d be a rare breed to not need social interaction and having high value friends helps with smv and social aspects.

YouWannaPutMoneyOnIt · 2019-10-25T02:42:57+00:00

Or in other words, just be about the money, check, business, goal, whatever your mission is, and help your friends with their missions, otherwise I’m not usually trying to chill unless we’re getting turnt and hitting up bitches.

dxbfmby · 2019-10-25T03:18:13+00:00

Friendship is a tough one. I have friends spread worldwide but the only ones I know would 'have my back' are 2 or 3 old military buddies. Within reason we'd go to fucking jail for each other. . In my years as an adventure guide I've put my life in the hands of many friends on climbs etc but it's situational and I know they're not of the same substance in other situations. . Just remember, every man an emperor. You are your own castle. Have your own back. It's easy to see others with their great social circle but if they've not truly suffered together through some sort of trauma I don't think they'd have each other's backs either, they just project it on Instagram until one pisses the other off and suddenly they crumble.

Thizzlebot · 2019-10-25T06:08:38+00:00

To put it simply be friends with higher quality people. The best way to do this is live an awesome life and people's will gravitate to you.

Black_m0ngoose · 2019-10-25T03:31:23+00:00

Contrary to popular belief among trp, you will find individuals to share your life with as time goes on.

The problem is people in their beta days were only acting to be accepted. Naturally, if you arent being genuine then you'll also attract other inauthentic people.

First, you must start from square one: the fact that you were born alone and will die alone. Once you're at that point, only then can you start recognizing others who would like to be part of your tribe. Not before.

proactive-defense · 2019-10-25T04:09:29+00:00

Bro, we are all alone, but every truth is a half truth. We are a part of a system, The System of reality itself. We all breathe the same air. We all contribute to what humanity is by what we ourselves are.

So, why don’t other people have your back? Well, who cares, why not have the world’s back? Reciprocation is a human trait. If you truly provide value to others they will provide value to you.

Standgrounding · 2019-10-25T07:11:41+00:00

get used to it

ConspiracyPill · 2019-10-25T04:08:52+00:00

Stoicism?

jackandjill22 · 2019-10-25T06:21:06+00:00

Jesusfeminist · 2019-10-25T09:31:47+00:00

Cultivate better friends. And take a very good look at your expectations

mchief101 · 2019-10-25T11:38:46+00:00

stay incognito, go monk mode...

prankster999 · 2019-10-25T12:10:36+00:00

If you want loyalty... get a dog.

Or a cat.

"Man's best friend" for a reason...

Stupyyy · 2019-10-25T14:05:09+00:00

You understand that to have deep meaningful relationship with people you first have to start with yourself.

8008bumbs · 2019-10-25T14:10:49+00:00

Join a club where you have to physically have your friends back. Jujitsu, biker gang, volunteer firefighter are three examples that come to mind. These friends will have your back and you will have theirs.

Thunderbird93 · 2019-10-25T14:19:40+00:00

The Herd and The Higher Man is the answer. Life is transactional, its equivalence of exchange. Dont be part of the herd, find a goal/mission/idea that transcends you and work towards that

LordFa9 · 2019-10-25T14:50:26+00:00

Its called the spotlight effect. You are wired to think the world gives a shit when most of the time it doesn't even notice

Like another poster said; once you accept it, you can do whatever you want, you learn to take care of yourself and respect your limits because there is no bailout or backup for you

MattyAnon · 2019-10-25T14:58:59+00:00

I think I'm a genuinely good friend, I ask others how they've been, text about how their exam went (currently in school), invite them to stuff, etc. However I noticed that if I dont get in contact with them, I won't hear from them until next class session which shows me that we dont value the friendship equally.

Most people are passive.

You make the effort to keep things running, so they don't need to.

If you don't make the effort, they certainly won't pick up the slack and do things themselves.

People are just passive like that. Some of them are friends, most are useless and have no care for you.

But if you needed them, perhaps one in ten would actually be there for you. Not sure if this is good or bad news.

[deleted] · 2019-10-25T15:42:29+00:00

Nobody cares if I live or die, and guess what, the feeling is fucking mutual. -stolen from fight club

BurnoTaurus · 2019-10-25T20:08:09+00:00

You give a crap about you. Thats the first place to start. From there you begin building a stronger and stronger you, so that the You that cares about you is even better at defending you.

This is why we lift. Its not to get girls. Its because eventually you start to realize that you fucking matter. You have invested all this effort into yourself and suddenly you have the incentive to stand up and fight for that. thats what self esteem and confidence really is.

Eventually you'll come to realize that the majority of the people in this world are too weak to be genuine people. Most of your friends realized long ago how pathetic they actually are and just doubled down on placating "I want people to like me" behaviours. Theyre so deep into that pathology that all they really are is a mushy turd man, a beta, a person who attempts to conform to whatever social standards are presented by their immediate surroundings. these people by nature cannot be genuine, because their only genuine desire is not to be killed, eaten or exiled

Polojames123 · 2019-10-25T04:11:00+00:00

Well, I have 'close' friends, and I'm a known 'asshole' but I have a 'good heart'.

The way I know my friends have my back? It's simple, I have my friends due, stupid, immature, jokes, etc... Every time we meet, and as long as they still do it, I know I'm not alone, and we're still boys.

For me, it's making them make humiliating bets, or giving them wedgies (we're older too), like a big brother or brotherly love sh*t. Immaturity is what keeps male bonds together, so you gotta stay friends, the phrase 'take the piss' out of them. That's what I've always done, and my friends, think I'm stupid, they laugh, they tell me they won't do it, etc... but they do.

They laugh, and they remember me. I'm different, but to do that, you have to be insanely loyal, and always helpful. That's the price you pay, to make fun of your buddies, and they don't care if you get a laugh at their expense, since you'd actually save them.

I have a friend who gambles (quite a bit), I don't like it, so to teach him a lesson, we make bets, but not money. He wins I get him a bottle of alcohol, he loses, it's something humiliating or stupid, since I tell him, "this is what gambling gets you, buddy, so you shouldn't gamble like that", and though he hates it or is made to do something stupid, he knows it's coming from a caring place, and he loves me for it. His wife knows I do it to teach him a lesson, and she doesn't mind, since she hates him gambling.

Point being, loyalty or friendship, is shown by putting others first, being strong, and eating last... Most people can't do that, I hated doing it, but I decided to embrace it when I was around 21, and it's helped my life. Friends will call me, people want to see me, since my aura is chill, I never hate, I want to help and encourage, and I genuinely want my friends to be happy with kids, or happy with riches, or content in art.

But, loyalty has to be tested, same as friendship, and the way I do it, I act immature funny things, and people remember me, and remember how immature I am, but then they remember how good I am too, loyal, and straight forward. Hence they remember me. I may not be the 'best man' but I'm in the top 5 usually, and there is a reason for that.

Good luck, loneliness isn't true since if what you say is true, we'd have never built this society, guilds, clans, etc...

Loneliness is a choice if you want friends as a male, DO SHIT. I suggest Rugby(the easiest sport to get mates, if you work hard, even if you suck, they'll take you in.. Football is more, "if you're good". It's not like that for the rest)

[deleted] · 2019-10-24T23:27:12+00:00

Hop on Youtube and watch Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot. Then do it a few more times, if you need to.

Good luck, bro.

Two_kids_in_a_coat · 2019-10-25T00:37:55+00:00

My friends got my back. Don’t know why you suck at making friends.

Title	I'm having a hard time accepting that we really are alone, how to deal with fact that most people (even friends) dont have your back?
Author	salsamasterer
Upvotes	182
Comments	55
Date	October 24, 2019 9:40 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/dmnaut/im_having_a_hard_time_accepting_that_we_really/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/im-having-a-hard-time-accepting-that-we-really-are.292591 https://theredarchive.com/post/292591