CMV: the friend zone might be real but you can leave it anytime you want.

Gravel_Roads · 2019-10-28T11:46:49+00:00

Not exactly trying to change your view because I agree (it doesn't make sense to me either; leaving is as easy as walking any direction for 5 minutes and never looking back.)

BUT I can say that I asked a similar question recently about why manosphere dudes don't seem to understand that until they put a ring on it, it's pretty easy to break up with a woman if they don't like the relationship he has with her. And a lot of the answers genuinely bummed me out.

I think the well adjusted normies on this sub don't understand just how deeply these dudes are stuck in their scarcity mentality. They have such paralyzing fear of loneliness that they fear losing literally any social connections at all and would still rather spend time with a girl that friendzones him, or mistreats him in a relationship, than have to be without any company at all. (Or maybe it's that, being an introvert, I just don't feel as much of a social "need" in general. As soon as people annoy me, I wander off and forget they exist. This includes old partners.)

Eastuss · 2019-10-28T11:31:32+00:00

Wow thanks they're cured.

The problem is not in getting out of it, but avoiding it happen at all. The problem is that people are not sexual and flirty enough with the people they want to fuck.

If you wake up and tell yourself today is the day you tell your friend you want more, you should seduce them and try to show yourself as a partner first.

Ant1matter8 · 2019-10-28T12:39:12+00:00

Want to stop being friendzoned?

Stop befriending women.

You realized it after years of existing, took you a fuckton of time but you achieved it. You meet a new girl you like, there is no friendship, you escalate , if by some chance she hits you with the meh but we can be friends you tell her nah and you fuck off.

Let the weak men befriend women, let them give them unlimited emotional support, listening to their useless petty bullshit and little issues.

So i do agree with that view, spot on.

sparksjoy · 2019-10-28T12:19:39+00:00

I must say I'm conflicted over the concept of resolving unreciprocated feelings by burning a friendship.

21F. I had a major crush on a friend freshman year in high school and I think he kind of liked me too but not sure. Then I was informed by mutual friends that guys at his high school were giving him crap over liking a black girl (note: we went to two different schools in the south, and I am very black). I had no idea how to react to that.

Well he eventually started dating another girl. I found out on the day we were both competing in a certain event together. The rankings came out a few hours afterwards. He texted me to let me know he had ranked first and congratulated me on my own ranking (the two of us were friendly rivals who always psyched each other up, congratulated each other on accomplishments, etc.). I was just like "oh that's nice, thanks" and didn't say anything else. I can't remember what he said in response but I could tell he was hurt. I think I might have even said something about letting his girlfriend know so she could congratulate him.

Anyway I felt really shitty afterwards. Yes he was dating another girl but I had still been a major source of support for him and he was always looking out for me in return. So I texted him back, told him I had been going through a tough time, and gave him a sincere congratulations. He cheered up right away, and the two of us basically went back to normal after that. I disabled Instagram for a while though since it was filled with pictures of him with his GF. Annd she was known for getting around and ultimately cheated on him.

Yes, I know. No one is entitled to your friendship or whatever. But going completely cold on someone whom you value deeply and vice versa isn't always worth it imo. Separating feelings from the friendship is difficult but not always impossible.

decoy88 · 2019-10-28T12:16:03+00:00

Here’s the thing. Some people can handle rejection others can’t.

I’ve been rejected by friends before and.... I’m still friends with them.

Why? Because throwing out an entire friendship because they don’t want me romantically is a waste.

I can move on from a crush without needing to cut them out of my life. Others.... cannot.

Acknowledging that throwing out the whole thing is a waste while still lamenting that you can’t get past it is the friendzone.

SerpentCypher · 2019-10-28T12:09:49+00:00

The problem is when the desired person (generally the woman let's be honest) keeps the guy on the hook by throwing out signs that he has a shot, giving him scraps of hope. Making him feel like he's this close to making her change her mind and turn the relationship into a romantic one.

IME of seeing many of these these "friendzone" relationships play out, despite saying they want to just be friends these women don't act like a regular friend would at all, they flirt, regularly compliment the guy, and basically act like a girlfriend would, minus the sex and physical intimacy. They extract favours, money and physical labour from these guys, basically have them doing boyfriend things while never having to reciprocate other than by stroking his ego to keep him happy (and hopeful).

It's still ultimately on the guy to wise up and remove himself from the situation (I don't disagree at all here) but it's not always so simple when the "friend" is pulling out all the stops to get them to stick around and keep validating them.

largepaycheckaddict · 2019-10-28T14:51:36+00:00

As a red pill guy who is Redder than most- who cares? The friendzone is not a bad thing, given there is mutual respect. Some of the best friends I had growing up were girls I had crushes on at first. Sometimes that attraction wasn’t returned but we still had a good friendship. It is unhealthy to stay attracted on an intimate level to someone who does not return that same level of affection.

On top of this, I met some girlfriends and FWBs through these “friendzone” situations. Had I disavowed a friendship over my own silly ego I would have missed out on those opportunities and many good memories I cherish fondly. Female friends can be great to have around.

On top of this, there is a false notion that male friends make “better” allies. This may be true in some cases, but I find this is mostly some mannerbünd fantasy with a lot of guys. Some guys are dogshit who will backstab you, sleep with your fiancé the night before your wedding, talk shit etc.. men can be just as catty and conniving as the toxic female archetypes you see in movies like mean girls. I will say that male and female friendships serve different roles in an individual’s circle (eg.. guy friends are great for toughening each other up, working out together, building stuff together etc). However you need an element of the feminine too- a female friend to grab coffee with, go to an art/museum exhibit, someone to express your feminine side of the soul to occasionally.

Ultimately, people need to get over getting hung up on the friendzone and obsessing over someone who is not interested in you. It is psychologically unhealthy to continue holding intimate feelings for someone who does not return those feelings upon rejection. Female friends are great and can be a lot of fun. The real problem with friendzone situations seems to be the woman or guy doesn’t respect who is in the friendzone and will use their puppy love feelings to manipulate them for gifts and favors or to keep them from dating other women- in which case one should disavow from that friendship. But again, male friends can be just as toxic.

Manny1400 · 2019-10-28T15:01:00+00:00

The friendzone can be amusing ...

Many years ago, a female friend of mine, who was pretty cute, asked me if I wanted to attend the Christmas formal with her at her company (a consulting firm). It was pretty clear that this was a date, and we had made some eye contact previous to this.

Two days before the event, she calls me to say she is going with someone else, and that she isn't ready to date (she was married to a guy for like two years in her early 20s). I was like "uggh ...you are the one who invited me". So she was friendzoning me.

I kept my distance from her after that, although I did see her at events and parties here and there (mutual friends). She started dating my buddy like 3 weeks after she cancelled on me --and she was head-over-heels for him. And then he pump-and-dumped her like a bad habit. She freaked out.

A couple weeks after that, I met my future wife, and this girl saw how happy I was. She was fucking enraged.

Not long after that she lost her job after having a meltdown at work.

A couple years later, I was with my wife in the supermarket and saw this girl approaching. She started ranting about how no one gives a shit about her, etc. My wife was like "that girl has become a real psycho"

The chick has gone through like 3 bad marriages since then, and lives in some shack with some loser now. Has like 4 kids from 3 guys.

Man did I dodge a bullet, and I have to admit, I was amused by how things turned out

DubsPackage · 2019-10-28T17:52:16+00:00

> Twice in my life I have expressed interest into dating or sleeping with girls I was friends with and been shut > down. They said they wanted to remain friends and keep >things as they were. This could be seen as an >example of the friend zone.

Friendzone is when she knows you want to be more than friends, allows you to think you are more than a friend, but uses you as an emotional tampon while fucking other guys.

"Sorry, I'd rather just be friends" is called LJBF (lets just be friends) not friendzone.

erman88 · 2019-10-28T17:47:55+00:00

Seriously where did this myth come from that it's better to be friends with a girl first before asking her out? I feel like it's still getting spouted as solid advice in some circles and it's fucking stupid.

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geyejoe7 · 2019-10-28T14:05:44+00:00

Getting feeling for your friend presents you with a dilemma:

Stay friends and hope the feelings go away or you understand you are confused
Confess your feelings and risk losing a friendship due to tainted motives on your behalf

I've only been in a friendzone once. And it was because I had feelings for a person that was super manipulative. (Getting a bf, leaving them because they got bored of them, then showing interest in me, then rejecting me and so on).

I have been on the edge one other time of ruining a friendship due to loneliness. A girl I dated and I became friends, because neither of us wanted a relationship. Later we were single and I was lonely. So I thought about confessing my confused feelings towards her.

Luckily I didn't. And it was a good decision. Because I have an actual gf now, and kept a good friendship.

corey_trevorson · 2019-10-28T14:51:13+00:00

Yeah man it's better to be a bit lonely for a while than to be someone who grovels at a woman's feet. Have some self respect...

jayval90 · 2019-10-28T15:07:40+00:00

Most guys can't do this because "women are fierce delicate flowers who don't need no man except Prince Charming to come rescue them from their wildly successful empowering careers that you don't make enough to compete with."

Confusion makes them orbit. Only very confused guys go around in circles like that.

Kos_-_Omak · 2019-10-28T16:25:30+00:00

Yeah if it's some rando chick that you just met you can simply cut her out of your life like that. The problem is that often this kind of thing happens when it's not easy to cut the other person out of your life without a lot of drama: guys legitimately starting out as just friends but then catching feelings for the girl, catching feelings for that chick they see every day at work, etc.

There's also the issue that a lot of women will either get super pissed at the guy and cause drama, or they will try to reel him back in to keep him in orbit

whibbleymoondanc · 2019-10-28T16:26:20+00:00

I think there are two problems with the friend zone. One: when men are interested and then shut down, they leave. The woman is offended that they dissent stay and consider all men are jerks. But if I applied for a job and didn’t get it, I’m not hanging in the lobby. Two: women keep men in the friend zone but string them along pretending like they have a chance, using them. I have several women friends, including my best friend. It there was never interest tremors. The timing was always wrong and might have been something, but ultimately nothing even was attempted.

cxj · 2019-10-29T00:11:50+00:00

100% agreed, the only exception being when girls feel entitled to friendship on their terms, and blow up at the dude for not hanging out anymore, responding to her texts etc, and in some cases try to rope the dude back in. This is probably like 1/10 friendzone cases, and unfortunately I think these at some point were/may have been genuine friendships, and it really does suck to lose a friend, so I can understand why these occasional women feel resentful, but 9/10 women will not notice in the slightest when you fade out of their lives.

The best advice I got on this was "yeah bro be friends with her! The kind of friends who never talk or see each other. Like when she says hi to you in public don't be weird or avoid her, just be like 'oh hey yeah whats up haha' and fade out as soon as you can. 'oh yeah i'll totally call you tomorrow!' then just don't."

QueenCousland86 · 2019-10-29T00:20:34+00:00

This is very much better than the alternative. I've had male friends linger after I told them it wasn't going to happen, only to become resentful and jealous. If you genuinely can't move past your feelings, it's better for everyone involved that you give each other space.

ThorLives · 2019-10-29T03:27:10+00:00

It should also be pointed out that sometimes that person you like is part of your friend group. I remember really being into this girl in my friend group in college. Ghosting her would've meant abandoning most of my good friends.

I did end up ghosting her (and that entire group of friends) my last year of college, after we had a brief fling and then she ended it.

But, yeah, it can require ditching a whole group of friends, which isn't easy.

MuleFool42 · 2019-10-29T20:01:17+00:00

Well, I'd love to change your views but I fully agree. I never stayed friends with someone I was attracted to for more than a friendship. I would cut off contact and move on. It's exactly as you say, I'm not going to be a friend when that friendship is tainted by my own attraction for that person.

Besides which, I'm not going to subject myself to watching that person cycle through a bunch of bfs while being their 'friend.'

Screw that, I'll move on and find happiness somewhere else.

I really don't think that guys keep orbiters they way girls do. They don't have people waiting in the wings to feed their egos, they have good friends, or nothing. There is no in-between. I've understood, through my own observations, that Friendzoning is primarily a female practice/tactic. Not solely, but primarily.

Title	CMV: the friend zone might be real but you can leave it anytime you want.
Author	OursIsTheRepost
Upvotes	54
Comments	96
Date	October 28, 2019 11:27 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/do7iuj/cmv_the_friend_zone_might_be_real_but_you_can/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-the-friend-zone-might-be-real-but-you-can.293062 https://theredarchive.com/post/293062