Background:

Thanksgiving and other Holiday celebrations are coming. I'm sure we're all doing the right thing. Taking the lead and making sure shit gets done in preparation.

/u/reddreng posted something related to this in his OYS this week.

Took the lead on getting the house and backyard ready, and neither of us have ever done a turkey before, so will figure that one out too. Coordinating with my friends on what to bring.

It reminded me of my own role coming up next week and led me to thinking about sharing a time honored tradition from my family that you gents can use at your own gatherings.

As far back as anyone can remember in my family, the patriarch at the time led us in sharing what we were grateful for at Thanksgiving. That in itself is not overly special.

Looking back now with RP eyes however, I can see HOW my grandfather and great-grandfather really leveraged the hilt out of being the AMOG in those situations and anyone following their process could do the same thing.

Rather than just post this as a reply in /u/reddreng's OYS ... I'm going to use his gathering as the example here and give the rest of you guys the chance to leverage at as well.

Using this approach you will:

  • Be setting expectations in advance on something to be done.
  • Go first, leading in front of a group of people.
  • Be setting an example. People will see demonstrated in front of them, how they should behave.
  • Cast a positive Frame on the gathering and be inviting other people to join you in it.
  • Demonstrate a character of generosity and magnanimity with those who are present.
  • Invite your wife to assist you in a way that elevates her among her peer group.
  • Generate Big Tingles ...

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Execution:

Tell the people who are coming that each person will be expected to share one thing (just one) that they are grateful for that's happened over the previous year. They should be thinking about it ahead of time and keep it short. Let them know you will start that time by sharing what you are grateful for. It's generally best to start after eating is done so that everyone is fed and there's no distractions.

Once the moment is right, here's how it will go ...

You will start by sharing something like, "I'm grateful for our new baby. I was concerned about her being born several weeks early but she's fine now and is the light of our lives." If you take less than a minute, everyone else will generally take less than a minute. Keep your moment SHORT but even more important... make sure it's absolutely authentic. A moment like that among friends and family is bonding.

Next, ask your wife to share. She should join you in keeping it short and authentic. At that point most people will get the hint on how they should act.

When your wife is done, you invite someone else to share. You are controlling the decision making on who gets to speak.

Important - Ahead of time - share with your wife your concern that some folks may talk a long time or get off track. Ask her to help you by being sensitive to when those moments are happening and stepping in to politely wrap those moments up. You can give her a look when it feels like things are dragging. Women are generally better at this type of thing than guys and you're giving her a role to play in the process. When she does well (she will), be sure to smile and nod. Reward her for helping. Be sure to thank each person after they share. Your approval and generosity sets you up as even more of a leader.

Regarding kids. Do NOT underestimate how important it is for children of all ages to participate. If you are setting the right tone, they will want to share their thoughts as well. Do not force them to do it. If they decline, that's fine. If they do, however ... it can be some of the most powerful moments you will experience. Kids are nothing BUT authentic. They will absolutely set the bar on being real. If they are seeing true gratitude being expressed ... they will follow that lead.

A few years ago during our sharing time my son shared how grateful he was for how hard his mother and I were working to take care of our family. It was during a moment of extreme financial pressure for us and both my wife and I were concerned that the kids were upset. It was impossible for our kids to not know what was going on ... so we did our best to manage what happened and keep things moving in a positive direction.

Hearing my son express his thankfulness made all the sleepless nights, and ass dragging days worth it. It also bonded our whole extended family together. Everyone knew the situation we were in and of course all the aunts, uncles and grandparents were concerned for the kids as well. Hearing the words my boy shared ... brought relief to everyone in the room and gave him a relief valve for some of the emotions he was feeling himself. Years later, our whole family still refers back to that moment.

Allow the process to take time. With 20 people each taking 2 to 3 minutes, it may take an hour to do this. THAT'S OK. You are creating a special moment for everyone there at the dinner. As everyone sees the moment unfolding, if you do your job in setting and managing the tone well (Holding Frame), you will literally watch everyone sink into that moment you created. More than food, you are gathering as friends and family. Creating a moment like this is what the whole dinner is about. It's what life is about. I guarantee the rest of their lives won't be full of moments like this. GIFT them that moment.

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Final Notes:

This approach doesn't have to just be limited to Thanksgiving. Any gathering will do.

  • When someone is retiring at work (and everyone will truly miss them).
  • Graduation day
  • A rehearsal dinner
  • Use your imagination. Feel free to add suggestions in the comments below.

Don't eat so much that you're tired. You want to be ready to go after everyone heads home and you get alone time with the wife. Done well, you will have delivered a big bag of AMOG FEELZ. Nuff said.

Good luck, fellas.