Gonna give my best description of what's led up to this point. I'm a woman, I was abused as a child by my mom. Verbally and emotionally. My dad was the only good person I had in my childhood. When I grew older (hit 12ish) I started using the internet, browsing youtube, etc. I was unsupervised on youtube so I watched a lot of stuff that was sort of inappropriate, mostly comedy stuff, all of the youtubers I watched were men, and eventually there came a point (as sad as it is) when I felt as though I was being raised by the people on the internet instead of my own mom. I'm 19 now and I still will cite a couple youtubers as having raised me better than my mom did.

And I think this led me into hating women. Because what did a woman ever do for me? I was ignored and spat on by women, and I was cared for by men. I think when I hit 14 is when I started wanting to be a man, rejected femininity, rejected women, just hated them. Because if my mom is such a piece of shit then they must all be. I saw the worst things in them, I thought "look at these girls at school, they're just like my mom, they have no soul. Look how they wear clothes to show off their bodies all the time, how they're superficial and flighty, they're garbage. Femininity is weakness and shameful." And I never grew out of that. No one ever made me grow out of it, I never saw a reason to. Plus people on the internet were confirming what I said, so how could I be wrong. But of course I know what I used to think (and still think) is just wrong. There are good women out there. I've just had a bad time of it.

Personally I have no desire to be feminine, even though I can acknowledge now that there's nothing wrong with femininity. I'm a masculine person, I've looked up to and emulated men my whole life, and I'm happy with that. But I need to change how I look at other people. And I haven't had any success with that. If anyone has advice that would be great. But otherwise I'm just venting.

Thanks for reading guys.