Maybe someone reading this also went through something similar and can share some tidbits of wisdom. Or maybe I can reach someone out there who is in the process and inspire them? Either way, I have to get this off my chest anyways, since I hadn't told a single soul about this whole ordeal until now.

I was born as an only child into a dysfunctional, albeit loving family.

Cast:

Dad: Helicopter parent. Can't express emotions: never saw him kissing/hugging my mom even once. Only emotion he knew was anxiety and anger whenever he felt cornered Although he made it a point to not be like his father, so he never hit me, not even once!

Mom: Bipolar. Often depressed to the point where she only got out of the bed to eat. Occasional manic episodes with delusions.

Uncle: Actual incel until he died at the age of 55.

Those were the only three adults I had contact with on the regular. My parents never separated in order to provide for me. I still do feel some resentment, although I do realize that my parents did the very best they could. I've accepted that I'm in control of my own fate at this point.

Anyways, here it goes:

When I was a toddler, it was already painfully obvious I shyed away from other kids. When I got into kindergarten, the teachers would complain to my parents that I hit other kids although it was believed I acted in self-defense since I was so stressed out.

So at only a couple of years old, I got into therapy for troubled youth. I was told by my parents not to talk about it since it was a taboo (maybe in their generation? because my peers are pretty open about this kind of stuff). Got tested for ADHD and Aspergers, but turned out I was neither of those.

I don't remember much about elementary school. If I recall correctly I had 2 friends throughout the 4 years there. We got along pretty well and my parents arranged play dates occasionally.

Shit went south pretty quickly when I got into middle school. I was bullied relentlessly since I made an easy target. In those 4 years I had 1 friend, 1 frenemy and maybe 2 people I talked to. Also my parents stopped arranging play dates since I wasn't a little kid anymore. Which meant I had pretty much ZERO social life since I was too afraid to ask people to hang (couldn't handle rejection). Even the aforementioned 1 friend I sat next to in every class and talked to at every opportunity.

People bullied me for various reasons. "You stink" they said. Truth to be told, I showered like once a week at that time and it wasn't until YEARS later that I started showering everyday. It didn't occur to me that maybe there was a kernel of truth there. This was the start of the Me vs Them mentality.

People also called me gay because I didn't express any desire for girls. Of course I was a horny boy back then, but I also had this houlier-than-thou attitude going for whatever reason. You see, I always despised the things I couldn't have. When smartphones first became popular my parents wouldn't buy me one, so I would constantly talk shit about how unnecessary smartphones were. Same thing when kids my age started playing CoD and Battlefield. I couldn't have it so I went on tirades against FPS games. And of course, the same thing also goes for anything sexual. I was a "good boy" and everyone else was just filthy, immoral and immature. I tried SO HARD not to be a teenager, because those were the "bad boys", instead I put on an act and pretended to be an adult (or rather my own, very warped, perception of what they are like).

Then came high school... Also might mention that my daily routine at that point consisted of school, immediately heading home after (without hanging around to talk to anyone ofc) and going on the internet. Of course I was 50 pounds overweight, had a bowl cut and wore terrible looking clothes my mom bought for me.

Anyways, I met this girl who was totally into me despite me looking like a potential school shooter. I got female attention and I didn't know how to process it, so I was totally heads over heels within a couple of days. I spent the next years whiteknighting her until she lost interest in me eventually. I had like 2 YEARS to make a move before it was too late. When I realized that it was too late I started finding THE RED PILL looking for ways to somehow get into her panties. Of course it did nothing except make me a passive-aggressive cunt.

Whatever, when I was about 17 another girl got to know me through a friend. She was a creep just like me. I liked her looks (blonde, short and stocky) although most guys considered her ugly af (and a total creep of course). But she gave me attention so that was enough for me to crush on her. Over the course of the next years she ended up making all the moves to the point where she'd sleep over at my place almost every weekend. She'd literally get undressed, cuddle up to me in bed and yet I was too afraid to make a move. Also whenever we went out I didn't show any public displays of affection. We never kissed, not even pecking lips, but she got me to bang her eventually. I can totally understand that she eventually got fed up with all my pussy bullshit after one year of sticking to me like glue and not getting anything in return. So she eventually started ghosting me. (to this day I still couldn't tell anyone irl about this story because it's just so pathetic and if people knew I had a crush on her I'd be ridiculed until the day I die)

This set off a chain of events in me. I was already deep into TRP and alt-right at this point. But after this, I became a Hitler worshipping cunt. Spent hours every day browsing alt-right related subreddits, Voat and other Nazi websites. I started creating memes and fashwave art. I had graduated school at this point so my whole life was this shit and working 2 jobs simultaneously to keep my mind off the crushing loneliness. How ironic that I spent most weekends smoking insane amounts of weed with a bunch of friends.

The only good thing that came from it was lifting which became my sole passion in life for a good while. I went the Looksmax route and can confidently say that I look better than at least 80% of the people my age. And guess what, it got me exactly ZERO pussy HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That's what I get for avoiding my issues and listening to TRP. It was so bad, the first semester of Uni I made ZERO friends. There was not even someone I had talked to twice.

Anyways. Eventually I got into psychedelics and over the course of a couple of trips my blind spots slowly became illuminated. The drugs ripped the mask I had so carefully constructed right off. You see, I lied so much to myself. I didn't know a single thing about how I felt or what I was. While tripping on acid I came across this TED Talk on YouTube from Christian Picciolini: "My descent into America's neo-Nazi movement - and how I got out". I clicked on it, and 20 minutes later I was in tears, realizing the errors of my ways.

From this point on my life slowly got better. I stopped blaming (((them))) for everything that was wrong in my life and took responsiblity. Fun fact: My parents stopped forcing me to brush my teeth at some point, so I rarely ever brushed my teeth from the ages of 15 to 20. That's how pathetic I had been. No passion at all.

Fast forward a couple of months. By chance, I got hold of a flyer from a student union. At first I was afraid of showing up, but then I decided to check it out. Good decision, I immediately joined. Now I help them organize events for new students and foreign exchange students. Picture this: a couple of months ago I was listening to Nazi marching songs. Now I was listening to some turkish dude explaining quantum computing to me.

I'm forcing myself to tackle my issues head-on now. Looking people in the eye. Actually smiling and showing emotion. Being grateful and telling people I appreciate them. Doing smalltalk on a daily basis, etc. Of course I do want to get laid, of course I'm still desperate. But my best shot right now is working on my social skills in general and establishing a large network of people I know and can have fun with.

I'm still misogynistic as shit. Most likely due to the terrible illness of my mother, causing this image I project onto every female in my life. But TRP definitely amplified it. I really wish I wasn't like this, but it's been ingrained for way too long and will take time to change.

Also, remember how I mentioned therapy. I've been going there for 15 years, so my therapist has known me forever. And the last time I visited him he told me "just keep doing what you're doing!". This makes me genuinely happy, it's like finally seeing the light at the end of a tunnel after almost 22 years of absolute misery and isolation.

tl;dr: Make use of occams razor: You're not getting laid? Stop sitting at home and be social! Leave the jews alone, it's not their fault lol