I'm 20 and she's 19 - together about 5 months.

I have trust issues around cheating (comes from red pill + insecurity + my dad being a cheater etc.)

My GF knows I have issues, as I've been quite evidently pissed off/ upset when she's gotten back late from a night out.

I have no reason to suspect she's cheating, she is honest and everything

But I have this major issue. She's out tonight and I'm fucking paranoid - as I am every time.

Really I have this fantasy in my head. In many ways I "want" her to do something wrong - I want her to give me a reason to be angry. Because I know if she gets back normally then I have no justification for my feelings - but I will still feel them and therefore I'm in the wrong.

I play out this scenario in my head where I just I guess in a way it makes me feel powerful - if it happened - I know I'd be ready to destroy her and make her feel truly awful. It's fucked up I know.

But I don't know what to do - I can't stop her going out I know. But I'm a very jealous person - and I'm always sat here feeling like shit, wanting to be mad at her.

It's making me have all these negative feelings. I don't want her to go out, I can't help it! I just don't want her to go clubbing and drinking

So what can I do? I know I can't stop her, and she wouldn't put up with it.

Am I being controlling if I ask her to send me a few pics/messages throughout the night? She already knows about my issues - so it's obvious if I ask her to do this it's my way of saying show me what you're doing so I know you aren't cheating

I'm still wrapped up in the whole RP showing insecurity thing. I feel if I ask her to send me messages, she's gonna smell the insecurity even more. And showing insecurity is just going to make her more likely to cheat as it will make her lose respect for me and I'll be less attractive to her.

Like I say this issue has come up a few times before, she knows about it, so "talking with her about it" any more is gonna just lead to her getting frustrated.

But am I really in the wrong? Ultimately she's going out and getting drunk. People lose control of their actions. What about when you get so drunk you can't remember what the fuck happened or what the fuck you did?

You could cheat without even knowing.

What do I do?

Honestly I often wonder whether the relationship things worth all the grief - sometimes I think it's not worth being in one.

This is gonna be even worse when we go long distance soon for a few months and I can't even know when she's getting home