Unconditional security makes women bored?

hopefullyhelpfulplz · 2018-05-25T18:58:42+00:00

In my experience, a relationship that lasts is not built on weird strategies like this. You don't need to outplay your partner like they are your opponent in some kind of weird game. You are both playing for the same team, the key part is to figure out what your goal is and work towards it together.

[deleted] · 2018-05-25T17:36:48+00:00

At the moment I do not have any studies or evidence but my own- women who are put on edge and made to feel insecure about him leaving will get tired of that and leave him. It make take a year or two but she will be out the door rather than live with so much stress.

Don't self-sabotage.

unifactor · 2018-05-25T18:19:52+00:00

You can find evidence for a lot of things in the world if you look for it hard enough. I'm sure there are some people out there that kind of operate this way. That doesn't mean that it's a healthy way for a relationship to be or an accurate model for how relationships work in general. That comment is hard to 100% refute because it is also impossible to prove. People aren't machines that always produce the same output if you enter the same input. For example:

"If she can always sense that at any moment you are willing to say "ok , you're boring me , bye bye" and leave , she will always stay with you and love you."

You don't need to read a bunch of studies to be able to tell that this guy is bullshitting. He is basically saying that if you always give someone the same input (calculated mindgames to give an aloof impression), she will ALWAYS give you the same output (eternal love). This is obviously bullshit because people don't work like that. Everyone is different. The best thing you can do is to work on having good communication with your girlfriend as an individual person.

RedMedi · 2018-05-25T19:19:46+00:00

I've seen a lot of things saying that women will lose attraction or get bored if she feels too secure in the relationship.

A woman won't leave a relationship through boredom with a secure confident man. Such a man can commit fully to her but because he's secure, he has standards and will leave if the relationship isn't meeting enough of his needs.

To contrast, an insecure man offers commitment as a strategy to mitigate his insecurity that his partner might leave him. A man that throws everything into his relationship and becomes a clingy blanket is frankly repulsive. Neediness is toxic to security, vulnerability and relationships.

cyranothe2nd · 2018-05-26T08:09:00+00:00

I have been in a relationship like you are describing (constant mindgames, constantly undercutting my confidence and unwilling to commit, always felt like he had 1 foot out the door.) It was abusive and terrible. Luckily, I have a pretty healthy sense of self-esteem and was only bamboozled by it for a few months before I left. Girls who don't have that same strong sense of self will likely be victims who stick around for longer. But--make no mistake about it--this is an abusive and toxic practice and it will hurt your partner and end up hurting you, too.

Seeing relationships as games that need to be won through manipulation is an abusive mindset, full stop.

I guess the question you should ask yourself is-- do you want to be an emotional abuser who sabotages some girl's sense of self to make her stay with you?

Hopefully, the answer to that is no.

stripeygreenhat · 2018-05-25T21:52:03+00:00

You're asking for evidence to disprove a notion without real evidence for said notion.

You're essentially asking to disprove the existence of a unicorn, which is impossible.

I myself have never seen a unicorn or met someone that appreciated feeling insecure in an intimate relationship. In fact, all of my personal experience indicates the opposite. My understanding is that people generally want to be in relationships because they provide a sense of security.

But I also cannot explore all corners of the universe to objectively observe every couple's intimate Dynamics or identify a unicorn.

trojan25nz · 2018-05-26T04:26:26+00:00

A parallel can be drawn between “women with relationships” as he sees it, and your relationship with your employer.

Sure, at any time you can leave. Some people get stuck in the idea that work will look after them. But if you’re a lower level worker/ someone not worth investing in, they’ll replace you when it’s convenient.

A relationship can have a lot more impact in your life though, like a job where you’re a top manager, friends with the owner, or the co-owner. At that level, it would be stupid to end that relationship. You have as much to lose as they do.

People can take relationships for granted, where one that is really meaningful might, at the time, not seem like it’s worth being invested in.

Or, like those clueless employees that thinks their boss will protect them, people think they’re partner won’t hurt or leave them and ignore the signs that they are ready to end things

Edit: your example of sounds like this situation. Get spurned enough, and you become hardened. Which while not wrong, is probably going to limit you. Employers don’t want to begin investing in someone that is going to last a couple of weeks before they find a reason to end things. Partners don’t want someone who’s going to breakup every time something doesn’t go their way.

claireauriga · 2018-05-26T09:53:25+00:00

I think you're talking about two types of security here.

Personal security is being able to love yourself without external validation. It is an attractive quality because it means that whenever your partner chooses to lean or rely on you, they are doing so out of choice, because they like and respect and trust you, and it feels good to have someone feel that way about you.

However, we are all human, and no one is 100% personally secure. As long as someone is healthy and non-manipulative about asking for help with their insecurities, it doesn't have to be a turn-off. People get a lot of pleasure from helping a loved one - it's only when the helping becomes an obligation, not a choice, that it turns sour. The best way to make sure your personal issues don't interfere with the relationship is a) to get help from professionals as and when you need it, and b) to ask for help from your loved ones, but allow them to help on their terms, with what they are comfortable with. I have personal experience with this and going through mental health struggles has brought us closer together. It's important to communicate. It's also important how you communicate.

Relationship security is about being happy with and trusting your partner and the life you have built together. For many people, knowing that you have someone on your side who loves you, who chooses to help you, and who will be there with you long into the future is a massively important part of happiness in a relationship. It certainly is for me - it's kind of the point of having a long-term relationship.

Relationship security is an ongoing work between people as they share their lives. It takes time and commitment and practice.

[deleted] · 2018-06-05T03:34:18+00:00

Your job in life is to put yourself first, look after your own emotions, inspire yourself, so that it over flows and you can share wholesome love with your partner. If you got in a relationship with your partner from a place of self love, then likely you've selected someone (or some people if not monogamous) to do the same with you.

I'm not sure why anxious attachment, insecure and other types of people are telling mass groups of people how they should act in relationships.

If you're a secure person, you love yourself and you're confident, you *trust and believe your partner loves you* and if they leave it won't destroy you or cause you to lash out, destroy others or turn to faulty philosophies about life that encourage you to be a victim of life. TRP and PUA is filled with victim mentality philosophies that are all about "getting back" at women for being x, y, z. No secure, and truly self confident people even entertain these ideas. They are happy in themselves.

If you want to understand how to have good relationships, learn from people with secure attachment. Not from people on the internet. Maybe also find out what your own attachment style is, so that you can do some healing if you need it.

Hera81 · 2018-05-26T20:55:47+00:00

Don't go the path of shit-testing your partner with intention to make her feel insecure in the relationship. You have better things to do than doing that, your GF has better things to do than having to go through that.

You have identified the real problem, so good for you. Work on this instead:

Also I've read about girls finding men who are insecure very unattractive.

This is bad for me as I have a lot of issues with anxiety and obsessive thoughts and my GF knows a bit about my issues but I'm scared about revealing too much because I can just see in my mind her losing attraction to me.

See? Deep inside, you know that this all has nothing to do with her, but everything to do with you and your baggage (no need to worry about this, everyone has baggage on their own). What you need to figure out is how to work with that baggage. Do something to make it lighter, do something to enable you to carry it well, do something to enable you to push it aside sometimes, so you can truly enjoy baggage free moment with your GF.

Ways to do that. Therapy, meditating, reading funny stories, gaming, chilling, sports, martial arts, arts arts, music, etc..etc... My personal way to deal with my baggage is singing and swimming laps (not at the same time). I hope you can find yours.

SpazzedMarshmallow · 2018-05-26T21:40:02+00:00

I knew a guy who had this attitude and it was really unattractive. It actually took me a bit to figure out what it was , I thought maybe it was just in his personality to be emotionally aloof, which fine that is some people's personality , I'm kind of like that too . So thinking that maybe he just has trouble with growing relationships with others, I put more work into engaging with him. But then he dropped a comment that was in line with this philosophy and I realized that he was trying to manipulate me into ?? I don't know. I guess paying attnaetion to him? Because I am really nice, I guess he thought my trying to get him to talk / do things must have been working?

Also if you just agree with everything someone says, or are too needy , yea it's annoying,but that doesn't mean you have to be a disagreeable ass that is distant to be exciting. Good conversation that challenge a person respectively goes a long way.

Lilly077 · 2018-05-27T07:11:06+00:00

1) it can be true in some cases.

2) it's equally true for men (women worry a lot about not appearing clingy or desperate - this would never be the case if 100% security in a relationship was attractive by default to men).

3) it's mostly true for emotionally immature people. If you give your gf security and she leaves, she did you a favor. The lesson in it for you, if you're looking for something serious, wouldn't be to give less security to your next girlfriend, but to ask yourself what got you hooked to this immature person in the first place.

Ojmayoweedsmokingass · 2018-07-18T11:40:21+00:00

In relationship you need to relax and stop thinking all this redpill drama queen shot

Title	Unconditional security makes women bored?
Author	tfhc1234
Upvotes	5
Comments	15
Date	May 25, 2018 4:40 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/8m36d2/unconditional_security_makes_women_bored/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/unconditional-security-makes-women-bored.300082 https://theredarchive.com/post/300082