Does "dread" work? Struggling to stop red pill thoughts in relationship

CaptinSuspenders · 2018-04-01T15:06:15+00:00

If you want a true partnership, don't resort to these tactics. By doing so, you're validating your insecurities with action, which will only strengthen their power over you. If she leaves, she leaves. Thinking about how you can prevent that will only make you more insecure and needier, which would likely push her away. If you want her to stay interested, stay interesting. When you feel insecure, reinvest in yourself for a while, do things that make you proud of yourself. This way you'll understand that you're all you need to make yourself happy and safe. Having someone to love and be loved by is just a wonderful addition, and you should treat her graciously for being that for you. Strangely enough, so many red pill tactics feel so beta to me. When I envision a "strong masculine man", I would never imagine him pulling this shit. A secure man gives freely and without expectation, which almost always inspires their partner to do the same, if they've chosen well. If these tactics work on your gf, is that the kind of woman and relationship you'd want to sustain for the rest of your life?

Personally, when a man pulls away and stops engaging with me I feel cheated, and a part of me shuts down and I distance myself from them in response. I have a good self esteem and I don't chase, I only take what is freely given. Only insecure girls respond obsessively to tactics like this. Idk, in my eyes the red pill is only helpful for "basic", emotionally stunted people. Add in some philosophical nuance and their tactics are extremely unattractive.

Do you want love or do you want control?

MoonMuff · 2018-04-01T15:50:19+00:00

Good on you for recognizing what you’re feeling and what urges are emerging as a result of it. Yes, this COULD work in the short term. She might feel bad and insecure and wonder where you are and want you more. But in the long run, it’ll breakdown trust and closeness. Is that what you want? Do you want to be someone who has to make their partner feel bad and desperate in order to keep them? Furthermore, will that actually make her or you actually happy?

Instead, why don’t you try laying down and just feeling the insecurity and anxiety? Breathe deeply and pay attention to the sensations in your body when these thoughts and feelings are around. What does it feel like? Tightrness in your stomach? A racing heart? A lump in your throat? Tension in your shoulders or fists or jaw? Notice that. Keep breathing deeply. Try being kind to yourself- actively kind and caring. Recognize that, yes, this is a painful experience for you. That you’re feeling reactive and scared and maybe angry. The feeling will pass if you feel it fully. Invite it, allow it, befriend it. And if you can, try to figure out why it happened in the first place. Deal directly with that, not how to make your girlfriend feel as miserable as you.

But seriously, be kind to yourself.

Lil-Miss-Anthropy · 2018-04-01T17:29:00+00:00

You might do well to read up on attachment theory. It seems like you have an anxious attachment style, which means you use protest tactics to grow closer to your partner. For whatever reason, you feel like you're not close enough. That's something you need to address with her directly. Wanting to ignore her messages to see if she cares about you is an instinctive response for an anxious person, but it is harmful to a relationship. If you work on becoming aware of your attachment system and practicing effective communication, you may be able to overcome this anxiety and will find that the ideas that affected you are not quite so important as the feelings you are experiencing. It's up to your partner too to make sure that you feel safe and secure in this relationship for it to work. Good luck!

cyranothe2nd · 2018-04-01T17:59:30+00:00

I think Dread will sometimes work on young or inexperienced people because they don't know how to deal with it or don't have enough self esteem to leave somebody over it (I think this is really why RP dudes always want to date younger women). But it is corrosive to a relationship and to the person doing it. It's better to work through your insecurities and be vulnerable in admitting you need time/affection/attention than to manipulate your partner.

As lot of insecurities come from low self esteem. So, look at the feeling and ask yourself first, "Is she doing anything to cause this? Do I have any rational reason to feel like this?" If not, it's really likely that feeling has to do with your own internal disregulation and that shit is yours to own, not the responsibility of someone else to fix.

As to how-- a lot of hard work and vigilance. Replace the mean, judging voice in your head with something kinder. (This is called CBT therapy and there are lots of books on it online.)

Good luck!

glassangelrose · 2018-04-01T18:20:07+00:00

Have you considered therapy? It sounds like you have seriously low self esteem and perhaps abandonment issues

Honestly, redpill techniques only work on girls who have low self esteem and are familiar with abuse. Any girl who has a sense of healthy self esteem and has a sense of what a healthy relationship feels like will drop you so fast.

I'm glad you're fighting the urge to use these techniques. The fact is, there's no magic way to stop someone from leaving. Part of life is learning to let people go; not everyone you meet stays in your life forever.

The best you can do is listen to her wants/ needs and try to be the best you can for her. If you know she likes a certain type of chocolate, maybe occasionally pick some up for her as a surprise. Have a good sense of boundaries. Don't become emeshed, spend time together but also maintain separate hobbies.

raziphel · 2018-04-01T20:56:30+00:00

"Dread" is literally emotional manipulation abuse. It may work, temporarily, but at what cost? Aside from the pain you cause to your partner, she's going to wise up and rightfully leave your ass, probably sooner than later, and you'd have brought all that misery onto yourself. Not only that, but everyone who talks to her will see you as abusive trash. Anyone with a bit of self-respect will not tolerate this shit. You know that but it seems you aren't willing to listen.

Ask yourself why you feel the need to abuse her to get what you want from her. Is that who you really are? If your fear of abandonment is so strong that you'd hurt the person you love to temporarily mollify it, well... what's that say about you? I mean damn dude, you know what will happen, right? It's not hard to predict. You've just got to overcome your fears and issues, and you can't do that by hurting others.

So no, don't play petty games. If you're feeling insecure, address those mental health issues directly. Find the roots of the problems; not just with this trigger situation, but the deeper things that effect you. Address those in a healthy manner, constructively. Then, learn to communicate it clearly, so that she can actually support you properly and you can work together to address those concerns.

Here's a hint: positive reinforcement works far better than negative.

absolutebeginners · 2018-04-01T14:59:21+00:00

You're 20 and shouldn't have to ask. Don't practice emotional abuse on someone you supposedly love. Its that simple really.

Your insecurity surely isnt helping your relationship either. Get over it.

xxyyccb · 2018-04-02T15:32:22+00:00

I read somewhere. "By being absent in one's life,you are actually teaching them how to live without you". My first boyfriend try this. Sometimes it took two or three days to talk to him. I get fed up with this and try finding new activities to keep me busy while he is avoiding me. Ultimately, I realise that I actually don't need him to be happy. So I left him. Women are also insecure and feel that their loved ones leave them. But you know what is worse than abandonment, the constant reminder that you are replacable. Since you are insecure, you can understand this feeling. Those who want to leave you will leave you. But there are people who will stay by your side nomatter what and because of your insecurities, don't push them to edge where they have to choose between their mental wellbeing and you.

kellyanonymous · 2018-04-01T16:02:47+00:00

Have a look at the clip below about self fulfilling prophecies.

https://youtu.be/p9Me6ZQQUqs

I can't say anything that will counteract your beliefs because you already know the logic behind it and have the self awareness. You know it's false, but can't get it out of your head.

It's the same as any anxiety or obsessive thought. You need to find strategies to help you through it. It could be a mix of the following:

Distract:

keep yourself as busy as possible
Have a list of things you enjoy that you can so when the thoughts start
become aware when the thoughts or feelings start. At the early stage

Dealing with the beliefs

challenge your thoughts during times when less anxious
Don't allow the information that aligns with these beliefs dominate
Spend more time with people who have healthy relationships

Preventative

exercise as much as possible. It'll help settle the thoughts and feelings
download a breathing app. Practice breathing every hour. The breathing is for 1 minute. It'll continue to remind you to be centred and come back to the present
watch the videos I've attached and follow some vlogs.

Good luck

https://youtu.be/wqEsTPaUZF0

https://youtu.be/9VM1UA0pCMQ

https://youtu.be/PrM_prPOqhQ

https://youtu.be/9WDXStamk9A

https://youtu.be/EOYbSDHTYv0

https://youtu.be/gh5VhaicC6g

https://youtu.be/Jp9b2Hf7QWg

https://youtu.be/CmVQuiT0OTw

TheNightWind777 · 2018-04-02T04:02:57+00:00

Dread 'works' in the same sense that Realpolitik and Machiavellian tactics work in business or politics. They achieve selfish ends, but at a terrible price.

Frankly, if your girl is worth keeping, Dread Game won't work on her; and she's not the kind of girl you want if it does. So don't do it. Just have a frank talk with her about what's on your minds.

FixinThePlanet · 2018-04-02T06:03:39+00:00

"Does "dread" work?"

The short answer to that is yes. The longer answer is: "what exactly are you trying to achieve here?"

When TRP talks about dread, it's a manipulation technique that is particularly effective on insecure and abused people. It also tends to be used by insecure or narcissistic people. Not a great combination.

I'm becoming insecure in our relationship, I'm very worried my GF is going to get bored with me and leave me or cheat on me.

This has led me to want to feel I need to use dread a bit. I worry if I don't, that she won't stay excited or attracted to me.

When you use dread on your girlfriend, aren't you trying to make her feel exactly this way? You want her to worry that you don't care about her, that you might leave her, that she needs to work harder to keep your affection.

Why do you want to put her in that position? What if she decides that she isn't interested in running behind someone who doesn't care about her and breaks up with you? What if she decides to dread game you right back and you both are stuck in a terrible feedback loop of pretended indifference?

Don't you want your girlfriend to choose you voluntarily, because the two of you are compatible and work well together? Don't you want her affection to be given to you freely and not because she's afraid you'll leave her if she doesn't? Are you afraid of showing her affection because you think that makes you vulnerable?

Relationships are about communication. Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her you care a lot about her and sometimes you worry you aren't exciting enough for her. Ask her what you think the two of you can do to keep the excitement going. Be honest about your insecurities and needs, and invite her to share her own. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her to make her feel more loved and valued in your relationship.

Telling someone that they are important to you is not a weakness. Be confident that she chose you for a reason, and you are important to her too.

<3 good luck

Edited to add: I saw the stuff about cheating history in your family. If your GF doesn't know about that, definitely tell her. Therapy will help, and so will keeping your GF in the loop about where your insecurities come from. It's not pleasant thinking that your BF doesn't trust you, so her knowing where that fear comes from will help.

izi_ningishzidda · 2018-04-02T07:14:46+00:00

Depends in the woman, if they are unhealthy and codependent, yes, denying them attention will make them pay attention. With me though I have an easy time letting go so I just assume the person is no longer interested and I move on. My boyfriend who I later married once saved our relationship by just being honest and telling me he appreciated me texting him everyday even if he didn't say so. But he was an aspie type, so he had an excuse for being a bit inept. I look at redpiller relationships and just see a bunch of shallow, codependent unhealthy insecure people on both sides of thr aisle. Self actualized people don't play games. I don't reciprocate attention unless I'm truly interested, and I pay attention to cues that mean the relationship won't work, meaning, if they begin to ignore me I just take that to mean they are not interested, and I start opening up to other possibilities. So if she is healthy she may start thinking that your inattention means you are not the one. When I was away from my late husband both he and I couldn't stand it, he texted me everyday and I him, we just enjoyed each others company so much.

You see, we had no fear of being alone. Theres another side to this and its not insignificant. You should be able to go without texting each other if its not necessary. We didn't need each other to validate each other but it was just spontaneous affection. If you have to try to enjoy someone's company or show appreciation what's the point? They should just be able to bask in who you are without constantly being reassured.

Anyways, you're codependent, BTW. A lot of people are.

Rocky_Bukkake · 2018-04-02T09:06:53+00:00

there's a lot of long replies here, and i'll counter with a shorter one:

i live by a simple rule when it comes to love, and that is, is the source of my actions coming from a place of love?

ask yourself, is this action because you love her, and are able to face the possibility she might leave someday? or is it because you're afraid, insecure, and distrustful (the precise opposite of love)?

sure, intentionally ignore her if you want. in fact, i think from time to time, ignoring a text for a few hours isn't a terrible thing to do; you don't need to be available all day, after all. just know it typically causes more damage than helps, if you turn it into a common habit in the relationship.

Catch11 · 2018-04-05T04:23:19+00:00

Ah I felt called to this subreddit. I knew it would be for a reason. I had this exact same situation when I was 20. Go look in the mirror slap yourself, go workout and eat a bag of mixed nuts. When I stopped doing red pill completely, and started getting my own life things changed so much. One thing I learned is how much what I put in my body and what I do affects my thoughts. Do something that puts you in a good mood, go do a group activity and ignore those weirdos at red pill. I could go more into this, but it's dumb. You have hundreds of millions of years of evolution, you don't need that stuff. Also ask yourself if you want a relationship where you two are doing this stuff to each other? No, you don't.

Naya3333 · 2018-04-09T17:11:50+00:00

Dread works, but only for a short period of time. It's true, if one's partner starts to pull away or if one realizes that his or her partner has options, he or she will usually get scared and start putting a little bit more effort in the relationship (for some time, at least). However, if you'll keep "dreading" your partner for a long time, they will get tired of this and leave.

[deleted] · 2018-05-26T00:53:55+00:00

It doesn't work for a healthy relationship, no.

Rian_Stone · 2018-04-02T13:23:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Does "dread" work? Struggling to stop red pill thoughts in relationship
Author	throwow1234
Upvotes	12
Comments	50
Date	April 1, 2018 2:22 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/88r41y/does_dread_work_struggling_to_stop_red_pill/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/does-dread-work-struggling-to-stop-red-pill.300110 https://theredarchive.com/post/300110