Third wave feminism pushed me to anti-feminism, which left me looking at the red pill and the alt right. Met my ex when I was 16 and just coming out of a communist cultural marxist phase where I thought everyone should be beige, genderless etc etc.

He and I discovered the alt right together and he became this pseudo red pilled alpha male. He had me thinking we were going to live in rural Arizona and own a homestead and that I was going to be his little baby making machine. He completely turned me against homosexuality, university, other women, you name it.

He dropped me at the end of 2016 and ruined my life. Turned out he did it because he found another me, a 20 year old psych grad with only one previous owner, if you get me. He enjoyed antagonising me with her because the level of control he has over me still is unbelievable. She has long hair, a womanly body, no 'issues' or dodgy past, lives in his little fantasy world with him while asking no questions. Whereas I have short hair, I'm build like a little boy with more than enough issues. She is his idea of a proper woman.

My life has been hell this year. Haven't left my house in 8 months. His control over me is so astounding that I can't function without his approval. So during this year I spent hundreds buying all the clothes I saw her wearing, tried to be her completely. Because maybe if I acted more like her and like a lady he'd take me back. Didn't happen. Whenever I start to get over him, he worms his way back into my life and talks shit about her and tells me I'm his true love. I told her about it. But she, just like I am, is completely under his spell.

He spoke to me just before New Years, basically berated me for being a 'degenerate'. Hypocritical of him, because I'm trying to change, I'm trying to get well and be happy but he still tries to groom little girls into being his alt right wife when he's an alcoholic divorcee who lives in his stepmother's house with his cat.

I fucking hate alt right redpill men. NEVER AGAIN am I doing this. I feel like shit. I feel like no good man would want me, I feel like men will hate me if I speak up or if I just 'be myself', I feel like society think I'm stupid for perusing a career in anything other than a STEM subject (I'm going to be a social worker), I feel like men would be turned off by me having short hair, that I HAVE to shave, I've only just gotten over feeling uneasy about my dress sense (I'm female but quite gender neutral regarding my clothes and name (Alex) )

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or not, I have no idea why I'm posting here. I'm just so glad there's other people like me. Thank you so much for reading.