Hello, I don't often post on forums and my mind has difficulties going from point A to point B, so I'm sorry in advance if this post is verbose. Recently I have discovered MGTOW, and as someone who has always had trouble with women, have found the overall philosophy to be an empowering one. However, since I'm still dipping my toes into it, I thought it fair to check out this sub before making decisions I may regret.

Like many who have discovered this movement, my experiences with women have been scant at best, and I have placed the entirety of my self-worth on whether or not I am accepted by them. As you can imagine (a commonplace), this has had an extremely negative impact on my self-esteem throughout my life: I have always considered myself a sub-person, regardless of any positive traits I know I have - dismissing compliments from friends and peers as platitudes.

To put this into perspective, I was single child raised by a single mother; my father passed away in a car accident when I was a child. Other male members of my small family also passed away, and before my grandfather's death, I was one of two males in our immediate family. As a result, I was never able to witness or understand relationships outside of my friends' parents. From a young age, I understood I was deprived of something very valuable and set finding a healthy relationship as my number one goal.

Later in life, I was diagnosed with a degenerative neuro-muscular disease, which jumpstarted while I was in high school. The disorder not only left me physically deformed, but in constant pain, fatigue, and stress. Driving was and still is out of the question, and having the physique of a 30-year-old at age 16 did me no favors growing up in a podunk, rustbelt town.

I figured my chances would be better at university, but it turned out to be more or less the same. I went on a few dates here and there, but the overwhelming response pointed to my inability to drive as being the culprit. At the time, I had a healthy social group, so I took it in stride and carried on.

Life happened and I ended up moving to a different part of the country after graduating from college. Unfortunately, I moved to another small, podunk town (a relative anchored my trip) devoid of any kind of social life or interest. I quickly became a recluse, though despite my circumstances, remained hopeful I would still be able fulfill my dream - to finally feel whole or normal.

One day, a girl messaged me on OKCupid, and we hit it off right from the start. A few weeks later, we met and became a couple, which elevated me to start caring about myself again. Best of all, it seemed she accepted my quirks and idiosyncrasies, and wasn't put off when I brought my physical limitations to the table.

The relationship was going places, or at least I felt it was, for a good three weeks or so. Eventually, after two or three months, it became unhealthy: the extent of my disability came into the fore, and with it, her veneer of compassion and understanding faded away. She criticized me for the smallest issues: she demeaned me for the way I cooked; she ridiculed me when I couldn't handle certain physical activities on my own or when I was clumsy; she questioned my intelligence when I occasionally misused a word. These were irritating, but the worst was yet to come. Because of my disability and lack of experience, our sexual relationship became difficult, and this caused her to resent me. I told her I would need more time to get used to her - even going to the grocery store with someone felt a world apart - but this wasn't enough. After one evening, she remarked, "I should have met someone with more experience" and questioned if I really loved her.

She suggested I take pills, but I felt getting comfortable with her would have been a healthier solution. A few hours later, she called me back and dumped me.

It's been over three years since that incident, and despite some significant improvements in my personal life (I now live in a city with great public transit and have advanced in my career path), this pain hasn't gone away. Because of her actions, I have a hard time trusting people, and am terrified I will continue to be neglected or tossed away because of my disability; and because of her sexual shaming, I knew it would cause me future issues. I've been stewing in depression, self-deprecation, and rage ever since.

A couple weeks ago, I had a nightmare about my ex, woke up angry, and took a look at MGTOW, which an online friend told me about some time ago. I was dismissive at first, but after reading the group's messages on self-empowerment, realized my value didn't have to come from a single source, especially one, in my opinion, where the rules are heavily stacked against me. For the first time in 15 or so years, I felt like a human being again: unshackling myself from my idealism and seeing where it could take me.

Which is what I'm concerned about. While I've been lurking this whole time, I've started sympathizing with people who would have disgusted me in my prior life. Their anger is something I can relate to: a commonality I haven't been able to experience since I graduated from college. Deep down, I know it's not a good lot to be associated with, but I feel so compelled to continue.

Ultimately, I think going monk-style would be the ideal solution to my troubles as there's an appeal to snuffing out a source of longstanding misery, and like I said, the self-improvement and value realization has been great. But there's still this lingering that wants me to continue chasing my dreams, painful as it is. This is the big conflict, and I hope by perusing both groups I can find the right way.

I would appreciate any advice on this matter. Thank you for reading my post, and again, I'm sorry if it was longwinded.